The pReview Re-viewing of..
Fast & Furious 6!
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(I highly recommend clicking the word bubble at the bottom to turn off notations)
(it is also highly recommended to watch the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: I live my life a quarter Fast and the Furious quote at a time. Also, fast cars and furious cursing.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: May 24, 2013
Just in case you are reading this and are completely unfamiliar with the story up to date: Once upon a time, there was street racing.. And then, all of a sudden, everyone was really, really good at pulling Ocean's Eleven level heists. It's a natural progression for your common street racer. To get a full and 100% complete rundown of how they went from The Fast and the Furious to Fast Five, click this incredibly jolly Paul Walker!
After being run out of Brazil by Johnny Law (aka Luke "the Rock" Hobbs aka Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson aka The Rock "the Rock" Rock), Dominic "Dom" Toretto (Vin Diesel) is living the good life in Palmtree Nakedladyland. Then, out of the blue (and totally not keeping with the whole naked lady/palm tree motif of Dom's newfound home), Hobbs shows back up wearing the tightest t-shirt known to man and tries to rope Dom back into the world of.. Whatever the fuck it is they call mixing street racing and heists. Apparently, it was really easy for Hobbs to find Dom.. But, as it turns out, Toretto wasn't even hiding. Which is good. Because, if Toretto was hiding, it would probably look like this:
It may take some serious convincing to get Dom on board, so Hobbs breaks it down for him: A team of very talented drivers (not unlike Dom's previous crack team of very talented drivers) have been pulling off road heists left and right through twelve countries (again, not unlike Dom's previous team, plus or minus nine countries), while Hobbs traipses along behind them like a Hulk'd out Inspector Clouseau. Still needing proper motivation, Hobbs shows Dom a picture of his dead girlfriend, Letty (Michelle Rodriguez).. Except she's alive again! Aaaaaand, apparently, still heisting-- and dancing-- it up, zombie style.
In the quickest montage sequence ever compiled by a movie trailer editor, anyone intimately familiar with this series knows exactly what the fuck just happened.. The Avengers have just assembled: Brian O'Conner (Paul "the Wall" Walker), Mia Toretto (Jordana "Punky" Brewster), Roman Pearce (Tyrese "Gibbles and Bits" Gibson), Han Seoul-Oh (Sung Kang "the Conqueror"), Gisele Yashar (Gal "the Gal" Gadot), and Tej Parker (Ludacris "Chris" Bridges). Now that the gang's all here, Hobbs needs to convince them to stay.. Because, apparently, a group of people who have been intrinsically tied to Dom for just over a decade needs more of a reason than, "To help Dom's ex-dead ex-girlfriend stop making poor life.. Erm.. After life choices."
The leader of the bad guys is a disgraced Special Forces soldier called Owen Shaw (Luke Evans). Shaw has been doing bad guy things in Europe for quite some time now. He's always been considered small potatoes.. But now that he's mounted a big metal spatula onto a race car in order to scoop cops out of his getaways-- as well as recruiting and brainwashing one of Dom's own-- Owen Shaw is now big potatoes.
After the team secures a deal for full pardons if they stop Shaw (and get Letty back), they kick it into classic Fast and Furious mode and.. You know.. Like.. Try to stop Shaw. And get Letty back. The trouble is, this time they're not dealing with cops or drug dealers, like they're totally used to. This time, they're dealing with something completely new. But look: The target may have changed, but I guarantee, no matter how big the problem, they are still going to try to use street racing and anger to solve it.
When street racing angrily head-on into the Shaw's operation is just too much for him to bear, Shaw sics Letty on the team. He's all, "Oh my God! They're way too fast and furious for me to handle.. ::whine noise:: Oh, I know! Send someone equally fast and furious to handle these dicks!" And then Letty shows up with a gun and handles everyone's dick. With bullets. And despite the fact that many-a-guy wouldn't mind, do NOT let Letty handle your dick. She will shoot it.
Despite nearly having his dick shot off (dicks are in the upper torso, right?) by his cold-hearted ex-girlfriend turned Shaw henchwoman, Dom maintains his blind faith that Letty still loves him and he can get her back. I assume that there will be some kind of montage of him driving by her house late at night, writing break-up poetry, and having it all end with him holding a stereo outside of her window.
Shaw doesn't handle failure, betrayal, or losing his girl-that-he-stole-fair-and-square very well because Shaw is white. And everyone knows that white people are sore losers. So Shaw sends in a tank to ignite a vehicular war would make Dick Cheney have another heart attack because of all of the blood rushing to his tank-boner. The final Bad Meets Evil montage of action gives us all an adrenaline-flavored taste of cars, car fights, women, women fights, flying Dwayne "the Rock" Johnsons, explosions, and cynical Tyrese Gibsons. Then, in the climactic finale, the whole team humbles the very deceased testicles off of Howard Hughes by bringing down a massive plane, roughly the size of the Cloverfield monster's dick.
When all is said and done, this movie makes me smile. Hell, even mentioning this series around people, whether they've seen them or not, makes people smile. Sure, it's mindless action.. Sure, the plots are usually as convoluted as trying to explain circular logic to someone who has short term memory loss.. And is this movie going to win any Academy Awards? No. But hey.. Are these flicks entertaining? Fuck yeah, they are! That's all that really matters. All I know is, on May 24th, I'm going on a white knuckle thrill ride full of attractive actors, fast cars, and good times so hard that my spine is going to explode through my back, grow a pair of nitrous testicles and ride all over town like fucking veiny boss. The rest of my body will probably need to be retrieved by a Hazmat team, though, because my blood is full of radioactive toxins. Unrelated to the movie. I can't wait!