The pReview Re-viewing of..
watching the trailer and then reading the review is highly recommended
(warning: Contains cursing.. but hey, ZERO presidential puns!)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: June 22, 2012
The premise: Abraham Lincoln is a vampire hunter. Okay, okay.. There's a bit more to it than that. This is based on the book by the same name, and mashes up two of the greatest things in history. No, not Teddy Roosevelt and whiskey.. but Abraham Lincoln and vampires! (Seriously, though, vampires have gotten pretty lame in recent history, but only because Twilight and teen fiction in general have pissed all over their blood craving history and left us with sparkling, whiny, vapid husks of their former Gary Oldman, Bela Lugosi playing selves.)
These are vampires:
These are NOT:
So the plot goes that, as a child, Lincoln's mother was ripped from his life by a vampire. He then learns from his father that vampires are real and have been plaguing his family for a generation, at least. As a result, Lil' Abraham decides to become the bastard amalgam of Buffy Summers and Blade.. uhm.. Bladerson.
The trailer starts off with Johnny Cash's Revelation-ary quote from his song When the Man Comes Around. This, of course, implies that Johnny Cash is a vampire and must be destroyed by Abraham Lincoln, like, whenever he gets around to it. (He's a very busy former President.) The voice over carries us through a swamp on a quiet night during a freak thunder storm where a younger Abraham Lincoln stands proudly amongst the trees, posing with an axe. Like a stoic lumberjack modeling for Outdoors Magazine, he sits vigilant against the darkness and its forces.
Tim Burton's name flashes onto the screen as a vampire lady starts interpretively dancing at Lincoln. This, apparently, offends, and so he takes his axe and cuts her clothes in half like he's the fucking Fruit Ninja. Of note, in this scene, is that in the background, there are a few dead bodies lying around the floor. It is not known whether Lincoln did this with his axe and anger, or if the lady vampire did it and he's avenging their deaths. If it is the latter, perhaps Lincoln was the actual first Avenger?
(Upon further viewing.. it looks like they actually show Lincoln, Milla Jovovich up a wall, turn around and slice open two foo's with his axe that seem to match the aforementioned dead bodies.. possibly making Lincoln the original Foo Fighter instead!)
Another voice over begins with a whole bunch of naggy negatives. It seems to be that of Henry, Abe's vampire benefactor from the novel, and also the reason we now have this very factual, very real account of our 16th President's past. He talks to the president like a petulant child and warns that if all he seeks is vengeance, that mankind is completely boned. Everyone knows that if you seek revenge, you should dig two graves: One for your target or vengeance, and the other for when he inevitably rises from the grave and you have to kill him again.. but don't want to, you know, dig the grave AFTER that second fight because you're, like, tired and stuff. The call to arms speech, via voice over, ends with a plea to fight the war against the vampires, not for vengeance-- not even for the betterment of the United States-- but for the entire World. (But mostly the United States.. seriously, the main goal for abolishing slavery in the book is that it will cut off the vampires neverending supply of cheap FOOD. Seriously.)
The whole third act of the trailer is full of exciting scenes of violence and fire. After reading the book, I have to say that I cannot wait to see this movie! The book had decidedly less action in it, but I feel like turning this into an action movie is going to help reach a larger audience because leaping over infernos and wrecking peoples' shit with an axe on top of a train translates way better than the internal struggle of a man dealing with his own and his country's own mortality. Seriously, though, hitting things with an axe is pretty much the best thing ever.