The pReview Re-viewing
Slam Edition of..
300: Rise of an Empire
Click below to view the trailer!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: I don't think this is very Sparta. We're lucky if this is even So Raven.)
by Chris Ringo (featuring Jeff Finck)
Release Date: March 7, 2014
Hello one and all. Its TV's Chrisblkchris and I am back again for another pReview Re-view. This time I will attempt cover 300: Rise of an Empire. This.. This is not going to be pretty.
The 300 gang is back for more fun, hijinks, and slow motion murder. And the gang is all here.. Minus everyone who died in the first one.. So, no one, really. I mean, there's that lady.. And that one guy that survived. But some lady and that one guy does not a sequel warrant. Yet, here we are watching 300 Part 2: Freshman Class. Historically speaking, it makes sense to make a sequel to continue the war that actually happened, but after watching three different trailers I don't see the need for this movie. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy slo-mo fights, huge battles, and abs as much as the next guy, but come on. The hard truth, though, is the movie is coming out.. And now we all have to deal with it.
Once again, we see the Hot Pass and it is just covered in dead or dying Spartans. Xerxes, riding on his horse (that some of you may recognize from not existing at all in the the first movie), cuts off Leonidas' head. Right off the bat, if you haven't read a history book, comic book, or seen first movie .. This is a huge spoiler at how the first movie ended. Then Lena Headey begins reading her vengeance poetry about wind and murder. The rest of the trailer we are bombarded with images and random dialog from the four corners of Sparta. As it turns out, Eva Green's character (named Artemisia) seems to be behind the whole Xerxes the God-king schtick. I'm not a fan of that because now it seems that the entire first and second movie is all a woman's fault. I guess the message is: If women get involved in politics, they turn men into murderous tyrants.
There are also a few lines of dialog that give us some semblance of motivation for this movie and they all boil down to either revenge, freedom, or conquering. Those are the reasons for every character to be in this movie. Which is bad because it looks like a lot of unwanted story will be forced in just to poorly explain these people. On the other hand, you should be very distracted with all of the slow motion fighting.. But even I have problems with some of that. Actually, it's really just the one scene where the guy jumps off a cliff but is unharmed because he lands his intended attack like he just air-assassinated someone in Halo. Is this how physics work, now? Is this what's hot on the streets? There are also horses jumping from boat to boat while on fire and boats tag-team ramming other boats.. All in SLOW MOTION. Also, when Eva Green states that she will attack the Greeks with her entire navy.. You're at war! Why the hell *wouldn't* you attack with everything you got!?! Maybe I'm just being picky.
In closing, I know this was less funny and more of a rant, but let's be real: This is a sequel to a movie in which every character you cared about is already dead. And like I said: Sure, all of the fighting and killing and abs will look great, but it's pretty much the story around all of that, filling time, that annoys me. While this could be a fun movie, I'm really worried this will just be a 102 minute visual explanation of why this movie shouldn't exist.. in SLOW MOTION!
300: Rise of an Empire (2014) trailer and screen shots courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
300 (2007) screen shots courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
Kim Jong-un courtesy of Lunacy
Pinhead from Hellraiser (1987) courtesy of New World Pictures
Katharine Merkle in the Pillow Fight World Cup (2011) courtesy of Reuters
All credited images found on Google Image searches