The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
November 2, 2012!
(warning: Don't try this at home!)
Clicking the movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
So Disney bought Lucasfilm for 4.05 billion (with a B) dollars, eh? Well, I'll be damned. And they're going to crank out Star Wars Episode VII?!?! AND THEY OWN MARVEL?!!! AND THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP MAKING MARVEL MOVIES, TOO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Well.. Disney just won at winning. That's right.. They won at something they were currently already doing. Now, all we can hope for is that they somehow manage to use their Disney magic and re-release Episode IV, V, and VI as it was originally shown. Oh.. Not to mention what we all want them to do with Episodes I, II, and III..
Speaking of Disney and winning the golden dick out of things.. Wreck-It Ralph came out today! You know how Disney just managed to secure monetary immortality by snagging Marvel and Lucasfilm Ltd.? Well, with Wreck-It Ralph, they're going to make another several million dollars off of video games, too. Congratulations Disney, we get it.. Now calm the fuck down and make a damn sequel to The Incredibles!!!! Speaking of incredible, The Man With the Iron Fists is going to fist its way into the box office today, as well. Speaking of getting fisted.. wait.. I mean, speaking of movies that came out today, Flight came out.. You know.. The one where Denzel Washington communicates and keeps up foreign relations? You know, giving physics the bird.
Sure the preview seemed a bit sappy.. And, yeah, the entire heart and soul of the movie is tolerance and finding your place in the world. And, why not? This movie seems like it's aimed at children. But if you saw the scene where M. Bison, Bowser, Dr. Robotnik, and Evil Lord Neff were in a self-help group and didn't literally and figuratively shit yourself with glee, you apparently do not suffer from v-GIBS. What is v-GIBS? Video Game Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Shut up. That's real. I made a pamphlet for it and everything! Click this pamphlet to read my full trailer review for Wreck-It Ralph!
The Man With the Iron Fists
There's an old legend that says:
"If you live in a village in the middle of the jungle in the middle of China, there will be a legend that says that there will be a fabled treasure buried deep within your Chinese jungle village."
The legend goes on:
"And if you are a man in that fabled treasure holding Chinese jungle village.. You will get iron fists. And punch people's eyes out. And.. Also.. Jamie Chung and Lucy Liu."
Another legend says that if you click this image, you can read my full trailer review of The Man With the Iron Fists!
Denzel Washington plays Whip Whitaker. No he's not the captain of the 1950s high school football team/date rapist. No, he's not the 1935 third baseman for the Detroit Tigers.. And no, he's not the 63 year old senile homeless guy that hangs out in the alley of your building.. You know the one.. The guy who tries to give you live rats when you take the trash out. Nor is Whip Whitaker an ace pilot from.. Wait.. Actually, Whip Whitaker is, in fact, an ace pilot from. After his plane breaks up and begins to crash, Whip pulls his pants down and lets his massive set of testicles turn the plane over and lands it safely.. Ish. But saving almost everyone on board of a disintegrating plane just isn't enough for a bunch of negative nancies, and so, when blood is found in his alcohol system(?), Whip is under the microscope as investigators try to find out what actually caused all of this fuckery. My guess?:
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown brought to you by the good folks at Will it Blend?)
Seeing as this is an ode to video games, it's nice to know that even the Will it Blend? guy rage-quits.
And don't forget, if you watch this movie and then you decide to rage-quit,
make sure to make a big scene and cry about it. Wuss. This is a kids movie.. Calm down.
The Man With the Iron Fists
Movies love to show us how fragile the human condition is.
And in a flick filled with dismemberment and disembowelment,
they're going to show us just how fragile our stomachs are!
Now, I couldn't find this guy blending airplanes..
But Transformers can turn into airplanes, right?
So fuck 'em! Maybe play with this one at home.
Did I mention that Disney bought Lucasfilm, before?!?!?!?