The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown Doubledown for
February 1st and 8th, 2013!
(warning: Two Friday Breakdowns, one blog. And I'm not even charging extra! ..send me your reaction vids.)
Clicking movie posters will open their official websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
There has been a whole lot of buzz about J.J. Abrams taking over the Star Wars franchise in recent weeks. A lot of people are worried that, since he's also driving the Star Trek franchise like a sleek, stylish, 350 mph bulldozer over the past Star Trek franchise (in a good way!), that he's going to do the same thing with The Wars. I just hope that he decides to blow everyone's minds and that finally, someone will have the balls to place both Star Wars and Trek in the same universe!
This week, I was blown away by the ridiculous amounts of film being hurled at us, fed through the greasy machine known as "Cinema".. Or, as the Italians call it: "Cinema". (Pronounced, I assume, with a "cha") I'm just kidding. This week, the only things coming out are some Melissa McCarthy on Jason Bateman action in Identity Thief, and another flick called Side Effects.. Which is a Stephen Soderbergh psychological thriller, I assume, riddled with blurry establishing shots, a 1970s score, and George Clooney in the background of every scene.
And in case you're interested: Last week's movies!!! Last weekend, you had to decide whether or not you wanted Sylvester Stallone to put bullets in, on, or around your head in his new Rainbow/PUSH Coalition friendly, Bullet to the Head. Or maybe you wanted to watch Christopher Walken, Al Pacino, and Alan Arkin all sit around and be completely fucking awesome at each other in Stand Up Guys. Or, in Warm Bodies, you finally got your What If? fantasy-story spawned from the minds of necrophiliac fans of Romeo and Juliet!
Basically, this is a call-to-arms for the world to rise up and personally vigilante-justice (totally a verb) your way through the agonizing situation that is identity theft. You can't simply rely or even expect anyone in a position of authority or security to come to your rescue! Identity Thief explores that very notion, by having Sandy Patterson (The Snarkmaster General, Jason Bateman) go on a life-journey as he rabidly hunts down his nemesis, Diana (Melissa McCarthy.. Who is so aggressively funny, my nose bleeds every time she makes me laugh). So this is kind of like a Midnight Run meets Due Date.. And then both of those are urinated from-up-on-high by large doses of Planes Trains and Automobiles.
Take a trip through the world of psychological medicine as Emily (Rooney Mara.. Now with 100% more eyebrows!) begins seeing Dr. Jonathon Banks (Jude Law). She's dealing with some issues because her husband, Martin (played by the only Tatum who currents Chans), is getting released from prison. Then one day (in the trailer), everything becomes completely fucked. And four hundred movie stars all try out-acting each other in a very dramatic, very Oscar-worthy way.
Bullet to the Head
France has given us some pretty boss things in the past: French toast, hot accents, a giant rusty green lady, wine, cheese.. Constipation. Now: A sweet, all-American, Sylvester Stallone action flick! This is based on the French graphic novel, Du Plomb Dans La Tete (translation: The Plumb Dances All Over the Trigger of a Gun that Shoots Heads).* Sly plays Jimmy Bobo, a hitman that calls New Orleans home when he's not out murdering people. He must team up with that Asian guy who eats all the time from the last three Fast and the Furious movies (Sung Kang). Together they track down some douche bag who killed their respective partners. Kind of like Tango & Cash.. Except with dead partners! Or like Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.. With dead partners. Or Judge Dredd! ..with dead partners.. Or like this joke! With a dead horse.
*not an actual translation
Stand Up Guys
Al Pacino plays Val (I assume his last name is still Pacino), a mob guy who just got out of prison after 28 years. Christopher Walken plays Doc, another mob guy.. Who didn't go to jail but has been plagued by questions from a wily rabbit for the past 73 years. Another different mob guy.. The mob "boss" if you will, puts a hit on Val and orders Doc to make it happen before 10am, the day after Val gets out of prison. The next 24 hours will probably be filled with old-timey ancedotes, Old Spice-ian bravado, and Christopher Walken rants (Soliloq-walkens, as I call them). Either that.. Or it will be full of whatever the fuck is happening here:
Point of fact: Zombies only have warm bodies when they're on fire. Title aside, this follows R (Nicholas Hoult) as he ambles aimlessly through his beloved stomping ground.. An airport, apparently? He must have had some bad Cinnabon or something. He's friends with zombie Rob Cordry and together, they scam for chicks in a forgotten city. The story also tags along with Julie (played by attractive Kristen Stewart aka Teresa Palmer). Julie lives in one of the last remaining human cities. She and her boyfriend (Baby Francs aka Dave Franco) scam for supplies out in that same forgotten city. One fateful day, while eating Julie's boyfriend, R catches eyes with Julie from across the room.. And in the same vein as Romeo and Juliet, I assume the rest of the movie takes place over the course of 3 days and ends about one quarter of the cast's lives. In this, a big twist is that zombies start turning back into humans because they're just not good enough to live in "people" cities. This should seriously be brought up at the next NAAZP meeting.
Final Breakdown Doubledown: (In this week's Final Breakdown Doubledown.. Christopher Walken movie rants!)
"I feel like a little boy who's lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth-fairy to come. Only two evil burglars have crept in my window, and snatched it, before she could get here... Wait a second, do you understand the CONCEPT of the tooth-fairy? Explain it to them... Wait. She takes the god damned thing, and gives you a quarter. They've got my tooth. I want it back."
- The Rundown
"Guys, if I don't bleed to death pretty soon, I'm gonna die of boredom."
- Suicide Kings
Bullet to the Head:
"You watch those nature documentaries on the cable? You see the one about lions? You got this lion. He's the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He's laying under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He's so big, it's so hot. He doesn't want to move. Now the little lions come, they start messing with him. Biting his tail, biting his ears. He doesn't do anything. The lioness, she starts messing with him. Coming over, making trouble. Still nothing. Now the other animals, they notice this. They start to move in. The jackals; hyenas. They're barking at him, laughing at him. They nip his toes, and eat the food that's in his domain. They do this, then they get closer and closer, bolder and bolder. Till one day, that lion gets up and tears the shit out of everybody. Runs like the wind, eats everything in his path. Cause every once in a while, the lion has to show the jackals, who he is."
- Poolhall Junkies
Stand Up Guys:
"The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you."
- Pulp Fiction
"When you're in love with a beautiful woman, she can tell you that Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'll believe her."
- Man of the Year