The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown Doubledown for
February 14-22, 2013!
by Jeff Finck
Okay, I seem to have missed a couple of weeks again, there. Near as I can tell, all I really missed is that Beyonce' broke the Super Bowl with sheer aggression, Russians do not give any kinds of fucks about five-story death-asteroids, Fallout: New Vegas is becoming a reality, people finally gave Harlem its just desserts, Frosty the Snowman violently came on the entire Midwestern United States.. Also, I've been to the movies a few times these past couple weeks and Qualcomm keeps claiming that a small dragon is going to ejaculate into my phone this summer. So.. That's terrifying.
I'm going to do a quick wrap up for the last couple weeks in cinema. I've been absent too long and I need to rant! Let's see, there was some movie that came out that I.. I can't seem to recall.. I'm sure it will come to me.. Anyway, I've missed Escape from Planet Earth.. You know, that animated flick where Americans are portrayed as bastards towards illegal aliens. (You know: Real life.) Safe Haven.. That Nicholas Sparks story where the handsome white guy falls in love with the pretty white lady. (You know.. Every Nicholas Sparks story.) Beautiful Creatures.. That one that looks like True Blood fucked the shit out of The Craft and gave birth to a young adult novel. Like I said, there was another movie that came out last week.. I can't quite remember the title.. Hmm.. It had something to do with cowboys and being difficult to kill, maybe?
Oh well, we'll come back to it. This week, though, Snitch came out. That's the one where The Rock does that thing where he's that guy that fixes all the problems with his eye brow and broad shoulders. Also, Dark Skies.. That's the one where a single family is targeted by a malevolent group of space aliens, but is totally NOT Signs.. I assume because these aliens are smart enough to NOT invade a planet that is 71% water and 50% doors, when their only weaknesses are getting wet and an inability to open doors. Now.. What was that other movie? It came out last week.. It had something to do with guns and Christmas.. Or something?
OH YEAH!!! NOW I REMEMBER!!!
A Good Day to Die Hard: Motherfucking Die Hard in Russia
More like Die HVrd, am I right? You know.. Because a V looks like an upside down capital A.. And a V is also the Roman Numeral for five.. And this is Die Hard Part Five.. And.. I DON'T HAVE TO IMPRESS YOU PEOPLE! Sorry.. Yes I do. Sooooooo, last week, A Good Day to Die Hard came out, much to enjoyment of every action movie buff's stimulated nipples! This time, McClane finds himself working for the CIA and is on a secret mission in Russia to.. Bad guys.. Gun fights.. And stuff. By the way, I fooled you! That McClane I just mentioned? He is actually John McClane's son, John McClane, Jr! Junior is played by Jai Courtney because..
John McClane (senior) travels to Russia to meet up with his estranged son, only to realize that, any time John McClane (senior) so much as sneezes, every terrorist within ten miles gets an erection for more than four hours and must call McClane to get rid of it.. Permanently.
And, here's the rest of what you may have missed:
Snitch (February 22)
You've heard the phrase, "punishing the children for the sin of the fathers", right? You haven't? Go read The Bible, then. Or, you know.. Don't. But you'll never run across nifty quotes like that one.. Or: "No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of God." But I digress.. If you have heard of that first quote, this movie is the opposite. Dwayne Johnson plays John, a construction company owner.. Guy. His son, Jason (Rafi Gavron), gets caught up with the DEA and must snitch on his homies or else the police are going to give him charlie horses.. Probably. Wanting to spare his son the embarrassment of having welts all over his arms and legs out in the prison yard, John agrees to snitch for Jason against the cartel who set his son up. And because it's Dwayne Johnson, he literally loads mortars up with human excrement and rains shit down upon the whole cartel.
Dark Skies (February 22)
Felicity and Win a Date With Josh Hamilton play Lacy and Daniel (respectively), two parents trying to make ends meet in a new town, all while an alien presence begins possessing them all. From the director of such award winning* movies as Priest and Legion.. And the cinematographer of three (count 'em, THREE!) episodes of Deadwood.. Comes the new hit TV show:
*Priest and Legion have never won any awards.. Ever.
Beautiful Creatures (Feb 15)
Have you ever seen Dynasty? How about Dallas? Knot's Landing? Party of Five? Small Wonder?! Well, this is the same thing (probably).. Except it was based on a book and has Jeremy Irons, Emma Thompson, and witches.
Escape From Planet Earth (Feb 15)
When Brendan Fraser hears of a distress call on a foreign planet, he runs off willy-nilly and must be saved. Don't worry, though, this is a cartoon. It's not actually Brendan Fraser.
Safe Haven (Feb 14)
Nicholas Sparks wrote a book and it was released on Valentine's Day. Have you seen the movie Enough? It's kind of like that, except romantic.
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown brought to you by fools that John McClane has cooked.)
A Good Day to Die Hard
Escape From Planet Earth