*when your nose starts bleeding, you know you're feeling it.
The pReview Re-viewing
Slam Edition of..
The Legend of Hercules
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view and THEN read)
(warning: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!? If you watch this movie.. Probably not.)
by Chris Ringo
@paintmyart images by Jeff Finck
Release Date: January 10, 2013
Hello one and all to my very first entry on the world famous Premiere Re-newing-- I mean pReview Re-viewing! I'm TV's Chrisblkchris (CBC for short). Duffy was gracious enough to allow me to share my two cents on his site, so without further ado, let's get this train-wreck going.. I mean the trailer, not my-- Never mind.
Today I want to talk about the movie, The Legend of Hercules.. in 3D! Anyone remotely aware of Greece knows that Hercules is the demigod son of Zeus and, if you're not an asshole, you're aware that he had Twelve Labors. Anyone who has read a book or Googled him knows that the Twelve Labors were Hercules' atonement for that one time when Hera (his moody stepmother) drove him crazy and he killed his wife and six sons.. Also, he was especially dumb. Way to hide the truth, Disney!
The trailer starts off with an army walking across a bridge straight out of Lord of the Rings, because.. Well, Peter Jackson designs good bridges and no one ever asked Renny Harlin to be a trailblazer. This army meets up with another army to have the world's largest.. one-on-one fight? The two armies' generals fight each other while everyone else watches. I mean, they get all dressed for war just to watch their bosses fight? Wasteful. King Amphitryon of Thebes (played by Scott Adkins from.. Movies) wins and then holds a banquet for his-- and his alone-- victory.
Amphitryon then announces an arranged marriage between his heir, Iphicles (played by Liam Garrigan from no other movies), and the Princess of Crete, Hebe (played by Gaia Weiss, also from no other movies). The shocked Hebe makes a face like, "OMG you guys!" and Hercules (played by Kellan Lutz from.. Other movies) makes a face like "Dude!"
It's implied that Hercules and Hebe are lovers with their reactions, but you don't see that until after the announcement.. So.. You know.. No one cares at this point. Then the trailer says, "One man dared to follow his heart", which is immediately followed by a scene with Hercules riding a horse which I thought was a weird transition..
In the next scene, they show Hebe riding next to Herc, so then I was like, "Oh yeah.. They're in love.. Makes way more sense." This pisses off, not only the king, but also Iphi (we're frenemies.. I'm allowed to call him that), so they exile Hercules to fight in Egypt. Now Moses-- I mean, Hercules is fighting in Egypt and is either so good or so bad at fighting, that he is immediately caught and sold into slavery as a gladiator.
(The pReview Re-viewing editor's note: Also of note, is that the trailer also says that "A hero is exiled", which I thought a bit strange because, not only has Herculania not spoken a single line, yet, they have yet to tell anyone why this guy is considered a hero.)
So, Spartacus-- I mean, Hercules fights in the arena until he makes enough money.. or fame.. or friends.. Or, I don't know, Pog slammers? ..to get out. He apparently does, and then goes back to Crete with his new gladiator friends! There, the new and improved Maximus-- Uh, Spartac-- Dammit! I mean, Hercules gives a speech to rally his men. (CoughLeonidasCough) When faced with overwhelming odds, we see a woman who is, apparently, his mother (but looks old enough to be his younger sister) tell him that he is the son of Zeus and to depend on him. Hercules looks at the sky, where there is lightning (because, of course) and that's enough for him. Lightning strikes his sword, empowering him, and Percy Jacks- I mean, Hercules uses the lightning to whip some guys in metal jackal masks' asses because, fuck those guys.
Then, Hercules gets caught.. Again. This time, by the king that exiled him! After he's chained to some pillars, the king mocks him (because, of course he does), which only enrages Herc (because, of course it would). Now, Samson uses his God-given powers to break the pillars and-- Hercules, dammit!
You know what? Nothing about this movie says Hercules. Not the Moses-like exile. Not the Spartacus-like arena fights. Not the 300-like slow motion. Not the Percy Jackson lightning attacks.. Or the actor, Kellan Lutz, who never looks more than vaguely interested in anything that is going on.
At the end of the day, I look forward to renting the movie for free from the library.. And then using it as background noise while I read or play World of Warcraft.
(The pReview Re-viewing editor's note: Personally, I cannot wait to huddle in the back of the theater with my portable device and watch this simultaneously with the other Hercules movie coming out later this year, Hercules: The Thracian Wars, pointing out all the differences.. loudly.. to everyone in a six seat radius!)
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- The Legend of Hercules poster, trailer and screenshots courtesy of Summit Entertainment
- Accident à la Gare Montparnasse (1895) courtesy of Studio Lévy and Sons
- Kellan Lutz modeling shot (2010) courtesy of Calvin Klein advert
- South Park screenshot courtesy of Comedy Central
All credited images found via Google Image searches