The pReview Re-viewing of..
it is highly recommended to view trailer and THEN read!
(warning: Contains absolutely ZERO Twilight jokes.. but there is cursing!)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: June 1, 2012
The premise: In a world, not unlike your local Medeivel Times restaurant, there lies a kingdom that consists of some beaches, a scary forest, and also a giant castle.. and that's about it. This kingdom is ruled over, ever so gracefully, by a queen of God-like power and inscrutable beauty, played by Charlize Theron. Apparently, she wakes up every day, as self conscious as the next all-powerful, magical queen, and asks some gold mirror if there's anyone fairer than she is. Well, one day, the magic mirror tells her that there isn't anyone fairer JUST yet.. but there will be.. like.. later.. eventually. The queen finds out that this person is none other than Snow White (Kristen Stewart). Which I was going to call bull shit on, because Charlize Theron constantly looks both cute and hot all at the same time, and Kristen Stewart constantly looks enormously bored and angry all at the same time. As it turns out, though, I cannot see the future and do not know if Kristen Stewart will eventually be super hot, or remain that little boy from the Panic Room forever. Oh.. and Chris Hemsworth plays Thor, a Huntsman who is hired to cut her heart out, but will inevitably turn into a werewolf and fall in love with.. no! No! I told myself I wasn't going to do it. Let's pretend we ended this paragraph on the Panic Room joke:
The cold open of the trailer begins with a voice over of our not-so-benevolent Queen. As she begins her monologue, some birds fly onto the screen, then explode into thousands of more birds. The idea of this happening in real life is utterly terrifying, and would make even Hitchcock shit himself. The voice over continues as a kind of, "Hey guys, I wasn't always a cold bitch. I mean, I used to, like, you know, be cool and stuff. Vote for me!" Yet, then shows a few scenes that completely negate all those years of kindness. There's a quick battle scene, in which, we realize that if you have soldiers made out of glass, you will probably break a lot of your soldiers. This seems like a horribly poor choice as a war time strategy.. but maybe the ultimate goal is to trick the other team into taking their shoes off and stepping on all of our broken soldiers. That'll teach 'em!
We also get a glimpse at some of the powers the evil Queen possesses when she preps a choke slam on some poor peasant girl and sucks the life out of her like some life sucking, vacuum cleaner.. sucker.. thing.. shaped like Charlize Theron. Satisfied with her evil deeds, she admits that now that everyone is all sc'urred of her, she is stronger for it. Like if Popeye realized that if he stopped eating spinach and started eating human brains, he would become even stronger. (This is, of course, ridiculous.. because if you can eat spinach, you have the strongest gag reflex in the world.. and if you have the strongest gag reflex.. I honestly do not know where I'm going with this joke.. please forgive me.) We also find out that she likes to bathe in yogurt. Which seems like a great idea at first, but then you realize that yogurt isn't that sanitary to bathe in. How do I know? Well, Wikipedia told me what it is and now I want to vomit. This whole voice over tirade ends with the queen claiming that beauty IS her power.. but I've never seen Jessica Alba donkey punch Mike Tyson into submission. (I'd pay to see that, actually.)
In the iconic Mirror Mirror scene, Queen Something or Other starts talking to what looks like a golden gong.. which then turns into a seeping, golden man.. that looks like if Alex Mack and a demon from Guillermo Del Toro's imagination was crossed with an Auric Goldfinger victim. The man with the golden.. well, everything.. tells the queen that Snow White is running around in the woods like a well armed hippie and that if the Queen eats Snow's heart, she will live forever. The Queen will live forever.. not Snow White.. it'd be a bit odd if eating Snow White's heart caused HER to live forever. I mean.. that'd be like a totally different story!
Well, apparently no one wants to take the mission to go into a place known as The Dark Forest, battle whatever the fuck resides in there, hunt a helpless girl and then cut her heart out so the Queen can feast upon it, all so this wicked witch can live forever. The Queen then summons the mighty Thor.. I mean Huntsman! He and his hammer, Mjolnir.. I mean axe.. that has no name.. hunt Snow White in the Dark Forest. The topic of refusal is brought up, but we are shown that refusing would only result in the Huntsman being stabbed repeatedly in the rib cage by about 4,000 spears and then the Queen screaming in anger so hard that mirrors shatter.
When the Huntsman finds Snow White, he force feeds her a poisoned sleep apple with his axe and then trots off on his merry. After a while, she gets bored with all that sleep bullshit and wakes up to fight a forest troll. And meet the Prince.. who is probably a vampire and is going to.. NO! And no again! I refuse! Anyway.. she also joins an army.. I guess. This frightens the Queen, so she retreats and then turns into birds and then the birds turn into the title screen. The end gets a little surreal for me, but hey, it is from the Producer of the new Alice in Wonderland. There is only one thing I was disappointed in.. the fact that this was clearly left out by mistake: