The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
Zorro, the Gay Blade
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: Contains profanity and high fashion hijinks.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: July 17, 1981
The premise: In the 1800s, Mexico was a harsh wasteland of injustice, poverty, despotic rulers, and, apparently, more than one Zorro! When Don Diego Vega finds out that he is next in a long line of masked vigilantes that fight for the people, he accepts his fate with aplomb. Unfortunately, he stubs his toe or something, and needs his flamboyant twin brother, Ramon Vega (fresh from the Royal Navy and now called Bunny Wigglesworth), to also accept his fate.. Also with aplomb. But, like, spelled “plum”.. And also, "lemon" and "scarlet", too. Together, they set Mexico on fire.. And I don't mean in a gay way.
A lot of people don't know this, but Zorro used to be illiterate. True story. Most people don't realize that the real reason he carves the letter Z in everything, is because Z is the only letter he once knew. He's only gotten slightly better in more recent times. For instance, Zorro actually wrote the narrator's script. Here's a peek:
Narrator: "He'z Zexy!"
(Zorro macking on a fine mami until zhe is no longer conzcious from all the Zor-mack-ular homicide!)
(Zorro macking the camera like Cezar Romero in Captain from Caztile!)
Narrator: He'z Zenzational!
(Zorro macking Captain Ezteban up and down the palace floor like I'm Tyrone Power wrecking Bazil Rathbone'z day!)
(Then, I want you to zhow zomeone being ztupid! Like.. I don't know.. zomeone not knowing what a Z is!)
(They will think it iz a number 2! Hah! That will be hilariouz! Yez! Do that!)
Narrator: No! It'z the zign of.. ZORRO!
All of a sudden, Zorro is famous again! Finally back from the dead to terrorize terrorists, to vilify villains, to down dons, to capitulate captains, to dictate.. dictators.. Or something. My point is, he's back! And finally getting the respect his father deserves! 20th Century Fox brings to you a 19th century tale of a Mexican hero based off of a 12th century French fox.. Who, typically, runs around annoying the aristocracy with his pencil 'stache and magical trickery powers.
George Hamilton plays Don Diego Vega, aka Zorro, aka Señor Cut Your Pants off-Without Batting an Eye. He also plays Zorro's twin brother, Ramon Vega, aka Bunny Wigglesworth, aka Zorro, The Gay Blade! Together, they remind the world that you don't have to live under the thumb of tyranny. You don't have to be ashamed of being in destitute. You can rise up! And you have the right to look fabulous!
Wait a minute.. So these guys team up and gallavant around the wilderness so they can take down an unfair, unjust system of laws and statutes that were put in place by an outlandishly dressed authoritative figure and his army of troopers? A figure that bumbled after them with inept helpers, and was defeated at every turn?
The two brothers share one destiny. Their motto becomes: "To help the helpless. To befriend the friendless. To defeat.. the feetless?" I'm pretty sure that is actually a pretty easy job.
The narrator starts a tirade about things you can do with your friendly neighborhood Zorro.. Things like: "Thrill with Zorro!" Or "Swing with Zorro!" Not to mention you can "Fall with Zorro!" Or, most disturbingly, "Catch a few Zs with Zorro!" Zorro is apparently, also "Out of the night, out of the past, out of the legend!" Whatever the hell that means..
As the trailer winds down, the full cast is introduced. Obviously, George Hamilton AND George Hamilton are the couple of Zorros. Lauren Hutton plays Charlotte Taylor-Wilson, straight Zorro's love interest. Brenda Vaccaro is Florinda, wife of Don Diego's childhood friend, and arch-enemy of Zorro, Captain Esteban (Ron Liebman). How very Spider-Man/Green Goblin II of you guys. Also: a Cast of Peasants!
This movie looks tits-out exciting! I've always loved Zorro and his adventures, and now we have a wholly new take on the legend! We all know that Zorro is going to swoop in and save the day, we know that he's going to mischievously run around making the Captain's men look silly; we know that Zorro is going to win. But now, Zorro has a gay twin brother! I think more heroes like this should get grittier, gay reboots!