The pReview Re-viewing
Wednesday Breakdown for
May 18, 2012!
(warning: Contains profanity and 6% less fat!)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
written: 5/16/2012
I was dared to talk about the Indianapolis Colts' cheerleaders. Here's the thing about dares: I fucking love dares.. Most of the time. I generally don't have much shame or sense. When I heard this dare, I immediately took it as a dare to actually become an Indianapolis Colts cheerleader. So, I started watching some cheerleader routines (read: Bring it On!) and realized just how much work goes into this lifestyle! I also realized that I don't think I could ever be a cheerleader. I mean, not because the routines are hard-- Anyone can do an aerial into a front handspring, one man it into a lib, arabesque up and end in a basket toss.. It's cake-- But I mean having to deal with millions of people ogling your lithe body that you've worked so hard to attain. The taut muscle groups grinded perfectly into place. The glitter, the pom-poms, the spirit, the belly buttons.. It’s all too much. So, yeah, I just don't think I could ever bring myself to do it.
But if I did, I would look fucking fantastic! (Sleep tight!)
Other than the major blockbuster, Transformers 4: The Board Game, and a movie planning on taking millions of women for millions of dollars, based on a book that revolutionized planned parenthood and took millions of women for millions of dollars, there are a lot of indie flicks coming out this week that I don't think will see much in the way of theatrical release. So, I picked a couple of the ones I deemed worthy of ranting about, and hopefully the 5,000 or so of you a month will be excited enough to tell your friends, and they'll tell their friends.. I'm kind of like a pyramid scheme..
A very odd looking and, altogether, unsuccessful pyramid scheme
Battleship
And the difference between this and Transformers is? Oh! They're aliens! ..waitaminnut..
The more footage that they release from this movie, the less excited I get. When the teaser trailer dropped, I remember very distinctly thinking the following: "Hey, that idea is hilarious.. Someone should really do that. WHAT? THIS IS FUCKING REAL?!?! WHAT THE HELL!? FUCK! ASS!! LIAM NEESON IS IN IT! YESS!!! Hrrkk!" That thought ended in a mild aneurysm that finally went away when I saw the full trailer. It was replaced with 1 part apathy, 1 part disappointment, and three parts alcohol. (I may have been in a bar when I saw the full trailer for the first time.) Dammit, Peter Berg! This basically looks JUST like another Transformers entry. You really don't want to end up like Michael Bay. Michael Bay has become the new Uwe Boll, except with a budget. Actually, that may be a bit harsh. (Though, not too far off, if he keeps snatching up the rights to my beloved childhood memories.) He might be more like the new Steven Spielberg or James Cameron, at least in the sense that when Spielberg doesn't know what to do, he chucks aliens in it.. Or how Cameron vomits 3D onto everything, now. Michael Bay's new thing seems to be robots. (click below to see my full teaser trailer review)
Or, like I said, he's just trying to ruin everyone's childhood memories. (Side note: This would actually be a pretty sweet movie)
What to Expect When You're Expecting
I expect that I will be watching this on my home entertainment system.
Yet another movie this year with a fictional take on a non-fictional book (see: Think Like a Man). Is this the new trend? Hollywood refuses to give fresh, new ideas a chance, and so they populate our theaters with remake after remake, and sequel after prequel, and book adaptation after comic book adaptation. Now, we're being fed, not even non-fiction, but self-help books! The cast has some real watchability (Specifically, Rob Huebel, Chris Rock, Thomas Lennon.. Though, they appear to be reduced to one big emasculation joke), but the premise is NOT aimed at a broad audience. The movie mainly follows the story of five couples, grasping at straws as they stumble through the whole, "bringing tiny, screaming, co-dependent, little crap machines into this world." I've had to defend myself on this front before, I've got nothing against kids, I just don't ever want to own one.
Because I would defeat it.
Mansome
FINALLY! Someone turned that scene in 40 Year Old Virgin into a documentary!
Morgan Spurlock has taken us on some pretty fun adventures. Like when he force fed us McDonalds for 30 days straight.. Or when he searched for Osama Bin Laden for 30 days straight.. Or that time that he showed us 30 days of product placement.. Or that time that he helped make that documentary about the Comic Con weekend that lasted 30 days! (Citation needed on the plot of some or all of these documentaries) Or that television show called 30 Days that lasted more than 30 days! Well, he's back! Along for the ride is Will Arnett and Jason Bateman, to show us what it's like to be a man.. In 30 days! Actually, Mansome has nothing to do with a 30 day period of time. It is a documentary that follows 6 people (three every day gentlemen, Morgan Spurlock, Jason Bateman, and Will Arnett) on their journey through life as a man, and the trials and tribulations of manscaping and other “man” puns. They share wildly differing tips on grooming and, I assume, their opinions on Sam Elliott's mustache. There's a good chance they're going to ask Jason Bateman that burning question we all have for him, as well. What question is that, you ask?
What the hell, man?
Crooked Arrows
Little known lacrosse fact: You get a feather for every person that you literally kill.
Crooked Arrows is one of the minor releases that I took interest in. I'm not entirely sure why. There's just something about it. The story follows a rag tag Native American lacrosse team. Yeah, you read that right.. A lacrosse movie! A Native American lacross movie! Finally! Joe Logan (Brandon Routh) is part Native American and is looking to "modernize" his reservation. (And before you cry, "Foul!", apparently Brandon Routh is actually part Native American!) His dad, the Tribal Chairman, basically tells him to go fuck himself. Not in those words, but the gist is there. Logan's father tells him that he has to coach the reservation's high school lacrosse team in order to prove himself. After consulting with Gordon Bombay and Morris Buttermaker, he will probably lead his team to victory. The trailer features the history of modern day lacrosse, played by the Native Americans of yore. Games back then used to last days at a time and span miles and miles.. Kind of like a full contact marathon.. Or a round of golf. (There's a chance I don't know what "golf" is.) I figured out why I liked the idea of this movie:
I SWEAR there is no disrespect meant.. But the similarities are both canny AND uncanny! Can't wait!
Final Breakdown: (in this Final Breakdown, Liam Neeson reacts to things)
Battleship
It appears as if Liam Neeson will fight you if you don't go see Battleship.
What to Expect When You're Expecting
As if to say, "What the fuck is this shite?!"
Mansome
He is giving you that ancient currency so you can go get a manlier look. Liam Neeson is currently winning at being a man.
Crooked Arrows
Hey, Mikey, I think he likes it!
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