The pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers for..
January 20, 2012!
(warning: I say 'Fuck" twice, "Shit" once, "Bastard" once, "Hell" once, and "Ass" once. Damn! I forgot to count these.. Fuck!)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
So I hope you're all enjoying a wonderful January 18th Black Out the Internet Day!
First off: Fuck SOPA. If I thought blacking my site out in protest would matter, or even knew HOW to black my site out today, I would. (Actually, I probably wouldn't.. God knows I need as many hits as I can get..) In any case, the show must go on, and I feel that in the light (or darkness) of the events of today, you must be entertained. Well.. at least *I* will be entertained, and hopefully you're just playing along.
First up is a brand new movie about as original as the Bourne Trilogy, and about as predictable as any '90s action movie. The trailer is chock-full of celebrities named Michael, ranging from tall and German/Irish (Michael Fassbender) to old, white, and American (Michael Douglas) to that kid from Sky High (Michael Angarano). Also, oddly named movie stars with names like Ewan, Channing, Antonio, and Bill Paxton. Not to mention a newcomer to the cinema, and MMA fighter-elite: Gina Carano. The trailer mostly shows us what she can do to peoples' body parts and frail structures when betrayed by a bunch of skinny, very breakable guys. This is something I will most likely pay to see begrudgingly.. and I will most likely enjoy.. on the inside. ..but I'll never admit it.
Next up is a trailer that makes you think.. "I wonder if Martin Scorsese read this book and thought.. 'I can do that! But in 3D! And for kids!" Seriously, watch the trailers for Hugo and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Long Titled and tell me there aren't similarities. If you can say that with a straight face, I will call you a liar and make you look at a picture I drew of Hitler and Kim Jong Il docking with each other. Don't know what "docking" is? I DARE you to ask me. (I swear! I am NOT obsessed with docking!) The trailer is an emotional rollercoaster through a boy's life after his father is killed in the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. He finds a key that belonged to his father (Tom Hanks) and projects and investigates its possible meaning. With the help of his mother (Sandra "Blindside, Herself" Bullock), he has a Garden State like journey full of colorful characters and New York landmarks. Never having read the book that this is based on, I assume that the story is more about the adventure and less about what the key actually goes to. This movie will probably make literally every single person who watches it cry.. even if you have no heart. You hear that, Osama Bin Laden.. wherever the hell you are.. you. will. cry. You bastard.
Red Tails is a movie I put my 2 cents in on with my Best of/Worst of 2011 rant. But in case you missed it, click this image of the actors portraying one of the most bad ass groups of people in history:
Also, side note.. do you wanna know why George Lucas hasn't done shit in the way of new-ness, and keeps rehashing old shit with a bunch of vomit all over it? Read this article: George Lucas is NOT a racist!
In honor of today's revolution.. let's check out what I had to say about Coriolanus: This is a movie trailer that I prematurely reviewed waaaaaaaay back in 2011. Silly me.. click this image and search for it among the ranting of a much younger man:
Next up is yet another movie I ranted and raved about a couple times.. but I did, however do a full review of its trailer.. so if you want to read that.. click this motherfucker..
..and if you don't want to click it, just know that Underworld Awakening has the potential to be amazingly watchable. ..and that might be the best thing I can say about it after weeks of watching the trailer and clips from it.. sigh.
Haywire: The Omoplata.
Extremely Long Titled and Incredibly Cluttered with Syllables: The Traiangle Choke.
Red Tails: The Guillotine.
Coriolanus: Rear Naked Choke.
Underworld Awakening: Best guess: the Sleeper Hold.