The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for..
July 13, 2012!
(warning: Contains cursing..)
Clicking on movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window.
by Jeff Finck
written: 7/13/2012
Pretty much the only thing coming out this weekend is Ice Age 4: Continental Paycheck. Seriously, I'm a little insulted at the fact that we have four Ice Ages now, three Madagascars, three Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, TWO Cats and Dogs movies, and something like 136,000 Land Before Times.. But they REFUSE to make a sequel to this phenom:
Wait.. I meant this one:
Seriously, Disney?! Get your shit together!
Regardless.. The choices this weekend are (in VERY limited release) not that choicey, honestly. The only movie you should really look for is this Red Lights.. Cillian Murphy and Sigourney Weaver play Buckley and Matheson (respectively), a couple of investigators looking curious about a psychic called Simon Silver (played by Robert DeNiro). Sigourney Weaver asks him several times if he is the keymaster, but despite her repitition, Robert De Niro insists he isn't and files a restraining order. Cillian Murphy then barrages him with an investigation calling into question the authenticity of Silver's psychic abilities. Silver then claims that his powers are very real and very much grounded in reality.. And demons.. Or something. In any case, they piss Silver off and he haunts Cillian Murphy's life with anger and paranormal fuckery. And the ride looks FANTASTIC.
Robert De Niro is blind in this.. Gives "Are you talkin' to me?" a whole new perspective.
The rest of the menu is as follows:
Ice Age: Continental Drift
The voice cast is amazing.. But.. I just can't bring myself to care anymore.
I bet you'll never guess what Ice Age 4 is about. Wrong: The economy.
If this movie isn't a metaphor, then I don't know the meaning of the word metaphor. Or movie! Or meaning!
The Obama Effect
Kat Williams plays a republican pimp in this! ..Probably!
The Obama Effect takes its toll on an obsessed-with-Obama, African American insurance salesman played by Charles S. Dutton, who ignores his health, family and friends to ramble on about the ideals of change brought about by our 44th President of the United States. That kind of makes the Obama Effect sound negative.. At least it sounds better than the Romney Effect..
The effect is very similar to the feeling that someone has shoved their thumb inside of your ass.
Farewell, My Queen
I wonder how this is going to end!?
Farewell, My Queen tackles that very important issue we all seem to have with the past: Marie Antoinette's sexual orientation. Spoiler alert: This movie says she dug chicks.. And who can blame her! Girls are way prettier than boys.
Like.. WAY prettier.
Trishna
Based on the novel by Thomas Hardy? Bane wrote a book?!!
Trishna's trailer makes it seem like a What if? where Prince Charming (the son of a wealthy businessman played by Riz Ahmed) sweeps Cinderella (the daughter of poor, rural parents) off of her feet.. And then becomes the antichrist. Kind of like Beauty and the Beast, if Beast turned into an overly protective, psychotic, demon monster.
I've used this guy's art before.. ~Jeftoon01 is the shit! And it's always so appropriate!
Union Square
Did she make her shoes out of one of those dogs?
Union Square poses the theory that you can take the Jersey girl out of Jersey, but if you take her out of Jersey, her dysfunctional past will catch up to her and try to ruin her life. Or something..
Just like a spray tan.
Ballplayer: Pelotero
Don't forget Ambar Cerveza Oscura! That beer has been quite valuable to me.. Through those lonely nights.. Of being terrible at baseball.
Ballplayer: Pelotero is a documentary about how shitty everyone in the world is at baseball EXCEPT the Dominican Republic. The Dominican Republic is to great baseball players what Japan is to math.. Or what America is to obesity. ..Or obese baseball players! ..But, like, really good obese baseball players:
Don't you lecture me on how Fernando Valenzuela is from Mexico. He's ours now! Mwahahahaha What? He's back in Mexico? Fuck!
Final Breakdown: (There is no Final Breakdown on account of the fact that, unless you're a small child, or are lucky enough to have a theater that plays foreign movies, the only movie you should be going and seeing this weekend is Red Lights!)
Hope all goes well with you this weekend. Remember, though, if you can't find Red Lights and you haven't caught The Amazing Spider-Man or Ted or The Avengers or Moonrise Kingdom or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter or Brave, yet.. There's still time to do that. Or just save your money for The Dark Knight Rises..
In theaters, July 20th.
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