Appe-Teasers for March 2nd!

The pReview Re-viewing
Appe-Teasers for
March 2nd, 2012

(warning: Unnecessary profanity to follow.  Also, clicking posters will lead to the trailers.. Red Band trailers used when possible.)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window


by Jeff Finck
written: 2/29/012

    This week's Wednesday breakdown of Friday's releases kicks March off with a bang!  Well, not really with a bang.  More like a gentle lovemaking of your entertainment radar.  Todd Phillips brings us more debauchery, this time with teenagers.  Universal Pictures continues ruining Dr. Seuss books for children with another movie adaptation.  Tim and Eric of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job finally get a billion dollars together to make a movie, and rape you with it.  And lastly, Paul Dano gets teamed up with Robert De Niro to continue his reputation of only ever making movies with massive stars. (see: L.I.E. and The Good Heart with Brian Cox, The Emperor's Club with Kevin Kline, Taking Lives with Angelina Jolie and Kiefer Sutherland, The King with William Hurt, Little Miss Sunshine with Alan Arkin and Greg Kinnear, Fast Food Nation with Bruce Willis, Greg Kinnear (again), and Kris Kristofferson, There Will be Blood with Daniel Day-Lewis, Gigantic with John Goodman, Zooey Deschanel, and Ed Asner, Knight and Day with Tom Cruise, and Cowboys and Aliens with Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig!)

Paul Dano's agent is a fucking genius.

Project X

I've definitely been there. He still has his wallet, though. Nice!

    To understand the gravity of the idea behind this film, one need only remember the biggest party you ever went to, then multiply it by Hangover creator, Todd Phillips' imagination.  Click these kooky kids to read my review of the full trailer!

Winning at chicken fights is the equivalent of Spanish Fly at pool parties.

The Lorax

This is what you get if Wilford Brimley fucks an orange.

    To continue the decline of children's literacy and imagination, Universal Pictures and Illumination Entertainment will release Dr. Seuss'  commentary on another worldly decline: Our interest in preserving nature.  The book received a lot of harsh criticism for its environmental message, in that it is too dark of a message for children.  This, of course, is poppy cock because if children don't get interested, then the future is as bleak as the one in the book.  Which was the point.  Dummies. The movie version, luckily, seems to keep that message.  And in the wake of the other thousands of dark ass messages in children's movies nowadays (see: Wall-E (pollution), Happy Feet (over-fishing), Cars 2 (oil crisis), and the Muppets (unfair treatment of fictional fucking creatures), this storyline still holds up.  Danny Devito lends his voice to the Lorax, which is only strange to me because I always read the Lorax as sounding like a female Fat Albert.  Other voices include Zac Efron and Taylor Swift (Who will probably sing), and Betty White (Who will, no doubt, have some kind of double entendre thing to say that children will miss, but adults will laugh wildly at).  Still, despite my issues with these children's books being cranked out as movies, I kind of want to see this at some point to see if it holds up to how I remember this story as a kid.. just not for 10 dollars.

Taking the fun out of bedtime stories one movie at a time.

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

Just two straight guys riding a vicious wolf over a floating island of men and rainbows.

    Tim and Eric, known for their surrealist comedy and whacky T.V. shows Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, have finally reached the high point of their careers: self-producing their own movie!  Honestly, it isn't THAT unthinkable, what with them being friends with Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and just about EVERY other comedian in the entire fucking business.  So, they get a billion dollars from an evil company to make a movie.  They, of course, blow it all on termite porn, forehead dildos, melancholy lap dances, and other things that are equally sane and 100 percent normal.  They must then go on the lam to repay their debt.  On their way, they run into a colorful cast of psychopaths (Zach Galifianakis, Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Will Forte), they explore love (with old women and sex dolls), they find action (and old ladies getting their fingers cut off), but ultimately, they discover themselves.  They also find Shrim. (shudder)

Good God.

Being Flynn

Is it just me, or is Paul Dano's last name just a lazy form of De Niro?

    As I said before, this film continues a long string of movies in which Paul Dano lands a role of a lifetime opposite heavy hitters.  This one has Robert De Niro and Julianne Moore.  Paul Dano plays Nick Flynn, a young man who works in a homeless shelter part time and is a struggling writer (Aren't we all?).  De Niro plays Jonathon Flynn, his estranged father who shows up at the shelter looking for a place to sleep.  He's a con man and amateur poet who went to prison when Nick was younger. The movie seems to tell the story of Nick's father, through Nick's voice via voice over and the book he is attempting to write.  Nick decides that if he stays in one place long enough, his dad would find him.  And find him he does!  They go on a sweeping adventure of skullduggery and chicanery full of other nonsensical words while they compile material for their writing. I assume they later have a big showdown in front of the Emperor of writing, in which they eventually team up and overthrow him and finally put their differences aside and love one another. This, I assume is Paul Dano's audition movie for his next great pairing:

This has Oscar written ALL over it!

Final Verdict: (Well, seeing as it is February 29th, I'm going to rate these in major Leap Day events)

Project X
     In 1988, South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu throws a huge party in protest to Apartheid in Cape Town.  He and 100 other clergymen are arrested. This would later become the inspiration for the films The Matrix Reloaded, Old School, Can't Hardly Wait, and interestingly enough House Party 3.

The Lorax
    In 1504, Christopher Columbus used his knowledge of a lunar eclipse that night to convince Native Americans to provide him with supplies.. much the same way Once-Ler convinced the Lorax to calm the hell down and let him chop all of the trees up!

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
    In 1972, Hank Aaron becomes the first player in the history of Major League Baseball to sign a contract for over $200,000!  Just like Tim and Eric being the first fictional characters in the history of cinema to sign a contract to make a movie for over $1,000,000,000!

Being Flynn
     Established in 2008, Rare Disease Day was originally meant to be observed on the 29th of February, but was moved to be regularly observed on last day of every February instead.  So, in honor of its originally intended date, and how serious this movie looks like it takes itself, we name this film: Cockayne Syndrome.