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The pReview Re-viewing Friday Breakdown for The End of the Year

12/21/2012

The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for

The End of the Year!

(warning: I give the gift of swearing!)
Clicking movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window!

by Jeff Finck
written: 12/21/2012

As with every last half of December, new releases come out about as consistently as zits on a nervous 15 year old boy. This end of the year edition began its tale on December 19th, where Mecha-Streisand tags along with Seth Rogen on a road trip. It continues its journey on the 21st, where, incidentally, a couple of kids from a Seth Rogen movie (Knocked Up) turn 40. The 21st also sees Cirque Du Soleil hit the big screen with their Best of Las Vegas 3D compilation.. Finally! All the magic of a live show, condensed into a 20x50 foot box and it'll be 60 bucks cheaper! And we can't forget about Jack Reacher.. Where Tom Cruise runs around, completely beating the fuck out of everyone. I can't wait for the sequel, though!

A spunky House Elf has to clear his name the only way he knows how. Being generally grumpy at everything.

Christmas Day is the day that everyone is waiting for.. Mostly because of presents.. But also, one really good movie! Django Unchained tells the tale of a freed slave running around getting his revenge on racist assholes. So, you know.. A romantic comedy. Les Miserables is about a Frenchman whose parents hated him so nice, they named him twice! Also.. It's a musical. And for all of you who aren't interested in seeing Jamie Foxx be smooth as fuck.. At people.. To death.. Or, if you don't really care for French revolution-set musicals.. There's always Parental Guidance, starring Billy Crystal, Bette Midler, and Marisa Tomei (remember them?!). Billy Crystal, I'm hoping, babysits children while reprising his role of Miracle Max.

It's so hard.. Babysitting these guys..

Django Unchained

What if those scars were all the times the guy missed the chains? Django's probably PISSED!

So Quentin Tarantino will alter history again.. This time, perhaps only slightly less than turning Hitler's skull into a colander. Django and his wife are separated by racism and brought back together by Django killing a bunch of white people. Check out my full review by clicking on what will be this Holiday season's hottest commodity!

All of your favorite Christmas tunes! Every instrument has been replaced with the sound of gun fire!

Jack Reacher

The law has limits.. He does not.. Because he *reaches*.. past them.. Get it? *reaches*.. Reacher.. Am I right?

One Shot through the heart.. And you're to blame.. Has little to actually do with anything. I just like that song. One Shot is the name of the Lee Child novel that this is actually based on. Tom Cruise plays Jack Reacher, a no nonsense, former M.P. with "lone wolf" literally tattooed across his face. (..Figuratively..) After a discharged Army sniper called James Barr is arrested for the deaths of five people, he requests Jack Attack to come in and investigate. What Reacher discovers is a conspiracy that leads him down a rabbit hole filled with conspiracies and spying on people with fucking Robert Duvall! I assume they're getting a load of Rosamund Pike.

Dammit Robert Duvall.. Peeping: You're doing it wrong.. Or.. Maybe right? Hmm.

Les Miserables

Fight. Dream. Hope. Love. Gwen Stefani's next obsession.. French revolutionary girls.

Told in over two languages and starring more than five people, the tale of Jean Valjean has captivated the imaginations of dozens of people all over the world! In fact, actually, Victor Hugo once said during a 1999 Larry King Live interview that.. What's that? Victor Hugo died a long time ago and I'm talking out of my ass? And this is regarded as one of the greatest pieces of writing ever? Best novel of the 19th century? Oh.. Damn you, Wikipedia! The story follows several characters, but focusing on Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) and his harrowing struggles from convict to the mayor of Funkytown to (SPOILER ALERT.. (Spoilers of a book that's 150 years old..)) an extremely old man who outlives a full 80% of the cast. Take that, old timey diseases and revolutionary war injuries!

Hugh Jackman is just fucking excited to be here!

This is 40

I'd be annoyed to.. I mean, I took the time to grab the iPad, sit down, leave the door wide open. The nerve of some people!

Joining the illustrious ranks of such spin-off projects like Golden Palace (see: Golden Girls), AfterMASH (see: M*A*S*H), Three's a Crowd (see: Three's Company), Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure (see: High School Musical), Beauty Shop (see: Barber Shop), Evan Almighty (see: Bruce Almighty), ANY of the American Pie presents... movies, and let us not forget The Suite Life on Deck! (see: The Suite Life with Zack & Cody) Okay, okay.. That's a bit harsh.. Spin-offs can work. I mean, you got Frasier, Family Matters, The Colbert Report, Torchwood, Xena, and Get Him to the Greek. Spinning off done right.

This is 40 continues the Knocked Up marriage of, until now, supporting characters Pete (Paul Rudd) and Debbie (Leslie Mann). I assume, much like Knocked Up, Judd Apatow takes an incredibly depressing main issue (failing marriage) and lightens it all up with kooky side characters (like he does).. So, basically like a real life version of every Disney movie, ever. Of course.. Disney never had Leslie Mann playing with Megan Fox's boobs.

Sigh.. And it never will.

The Guilt Trip

Who is he looking at?! He's clearly driving down a highway! Eyes on the road, you maniac!

Speaking of playing with boobs and Knocked Up.. Seth Rogen stars as Andy, an inventor who decides to travel the country pitching his product. After feeling guilty (Huh? Eeeh? Name of the moooovie?), he invites his lonely mother (Barbra Streisand) along for the ride. Together, they rediscover what it's like to regret bringing your lonely mother along on a road trip if you're embarrassed at all by Barbra Streisand.

What a fuckin' weirdo. And adorable little weirdo.

Parental Guidance

Ironically, this movie is Rated R.

Billy Crystal and Bette Midler play Artie and Diane. Artie and Diane are stuck watching their daughter's (Marisa Tomei) three rambunctious children for Meet the Parents in the Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead all along! Not to mention how much Problem Child Home Alone Parenthood.

Despite the fact that Billy Crystal kind of looks like someone drew his face onto a balloon.. Nut shots are ALWAYS funny.

Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away

Haha! Take that, gravity! Upside down umbrellas work just as well!

How do you combine seven different live Cirque du Soleil shows that usually involve dragging some hapless soul on an adventure of its lifetime into a single cinematic experience? Easy! Give us 3D glasses, send us to a carnival, and drag two new hapless souls into the crazy as fuck-balls world of The Cirque. Mia (Erica Kathleen Linz) attends the circus only to find out that she's taken quite a shine to the aerialist called.. Uhm.. The.. Aerialist (Igor Zaripov). Then the two get sucked into a portal that contains erotic acrobatics, a powerful score.. And somehow, Criss Angel, Elvis, and the Beatles.