The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
Tango & Cash
CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
click the poster for Tango & Cash's IMDB page
(warning: There will probably be way too many puns about their names.. I.. Apologize.)
by Jeff Finck
written 8/28/2012
Release Date: December 22, 1989
The premise: The awesomely pulp-ly named Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell) are two of LAPD's best narcotics detectives. Tango, ironically, is the rich-boy, thrill-seeking type with his head appropriately on his shoulders and his guns appropriately inside of bad guys' anuses. Cash, ironically, is rubbish with cash. (And Tango, but that's a long story.. Actually, not really.. He's a terrible dancer.) Cash is more of a loose cannon than an uptight, thrill-seeking yuppie.. Tango and Cash's paths cross when they follow the same lead.. A lead that ends with both of them completely framed with being filthy cops and murdering So-and-Sos. If they don't figure out who set them up, they'll have to live with being the Pig Pens of the police world.. Dirty, filthy cops, who never take showers.
And then no one will want to fuck the police.. :( (And hopefully not, these cops look like children!)
The trailer starts out well into Tango and Cash being set up by a malevolent puppet master who seems to be well interested in JUST these two guys.. And no one else. So far into the set-up, in fact, that they're actually already in jail! Elbow deep in the set-up, if you will. (Elbow deep in jail, too, I guess.. But this is only rated R, so let's just move on..) Well, you can imagine, a cop in jail is probably never good for the cop.. Or jail. It gets the natives all crazy-like. Especially this jail.. And these cops, who (based entirely on reputation) probably put at least half of the criminal population in said jail. Pondering their situation derails, though, when Cash drops the soap in the shower. Party foul! Don't worry, though, Cash clears everything up, quite snidely, by telling Tango not to flatter himself.. Then probably proceeds to drop the soap several more times, suggestively looking back over his shoulder while picking it up each time.
This.. Would have been a wildly different movie. (Artwork re-appropriated from go-devil-dante.)
Before they’re jailed, let’s have a slight refresher on just who these guys are. Let's meet the contestants: Ray Tango, he likes money.. And nice suits.. And nice cars.. And nice glasses.. And nice newspapers.. And nice girls.. And nice dislikings of Gabriel Cash. He'll be playing for becoming the Los Angeles Police Department's leading (and richest) narcotics detective! He IS the 1%! With his by-the-books attitude and thorough police work, Ray will prove to the LAPD (And his dance class) that it really only takes ONE to Tango.
And afterwards, he will beat everyone like they're sacks of meat hanging in a freezer.
Meet Gabriel Cash: He dance-puns his dance puns and doesn't mind dance punning around his dance puns. He's from the streets and doesn't mind looking the part, either. A skilled karate fighter of the art of Goand Fukyurself (side note: NOT a real martial art), Cash employs an arsenal of moves such as dodging repeatedly and punching you in the face until you're unconscious. Plus, he may be just a bit of a racist! He'll be playing to prove that he's better than money. I mean, cash. I mean, Cash. No.. Wait, he’s Cash. I mean, Tango. Yeah, that’s it, he’s playing to prove that he's a better detective than Tango. But h is cold hard Cash. If you know what I mean.. His cash? Get it? Cash.. ..Eh? Cold? Hard? "Cash"?
Just off camera: Cash's cold hard dick.
The trailer continues onto the previously mentioned lead-following calamity that ends with the duo vacationing in the Big House. One more dance pun later and the two walking armies measure each other’s penises with words. But just as the testosterone starts to settle, a cluster fuck of testosterone is re-sprayed by Sly blowing out a window with a shotgun, a sultry brunette trying to give herself cancer, Travis Bickle forgetting what mirrors are for, and then the sultry brunette Flashdances through streamers and over-sized fans causing Tango and Cash, now armed and very confused, to reassess their situation and escape through a sewer tunnel and zip-line to rain-soaked freedom. Then, they presumably get to enjoy their Mentos.
The Freshmaker!
Their jailbreak leads Mr. Tango and Mr. Cash to the lair of one Michael J. Pollard. They convince him to give them his super powered tank van explosion fuck mobile.. Or SPTVEFM.. Sputtiveffum for short. They get him so good by claiming that they won't put a scratch on it. Haha! They put more than a scratch on it! They put sooo many scratches on it! And that.. Is how you win at lying! Seriously, though, they actually blow the thing up like 63 times.. And that's just in the preview! It's like, every time the thing sees a chick, it explodes like.. Oh.. Metaphor.
Every time the van sees Teri Hatcher, it understandably has exploding orgasms.
The action takes a brief back seat to one of the real issues at hand.. No, it isn't the fact the Jack Palance and Brion James are running around playing merry Hobb with Ray and Gabe's lives.. And no, it isn't the fact that every three seconds someone is trying to kill these two heroes.. Tango needs to know one thing: Did Cash sleep with his sister?! I am rooting for a spin-off movie!!!
..Er.. Maybe not..
Well, I should start off by saying that Kurt Russell is having a hell of a decade: Escape from New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, and Tequila Sunrise!? It's hard to believe that he'll ever do a bad movie! And Sylvester Stallone coming fresh off of Rambo III? (Not to mention HIS decade: The first two Rambos, Rocky mother fucking IV, Cobra, Over the Top) Man, when I first saw this pairing, I definitely thought that whoever came up with the idea to cast these two together was out of their balls-ing mind.. But after this trailer, I really don't see why they don't just do every movie together! All I know is that December 22nd is going to be so effing Rad Max. Just the trailer makes me want to go join the LAPD! How cool would that be!!?!!? Nothing ever goes wrong there! This movie makes me want to reassess my life and live every day like I have a live grenade taped to my gaping mouth!
Brion James knows what I'm talking about!
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