The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window.
by Jeff Finck
As always, I will start you guys off with some absolute gibberish before delivering the goods.. Feel free to skip this paragraph. But be warned, the following tale COULD happen! I had a dream.. It is the future. The decibel level of revolution is deafening. The human race is rapidly coming to an end. Social media has collapsed. No one has updated their Facebook status in ten years.. No one has Tweeted in two. And the ferocious Moose-people are winning the war. Sometime in the past, a deadly chemical was released into Earth's atmosphere, transforming every man on the planet over the height of 6 foot into living bowls of hardened, riboflavin rich cereal resembling small fruit shapes. That same chemical, somehow, turn every woman on the planet under the height of 6 foot into giant Trix Rabbits. You can imagine the slaughter that occurred soon after. This, of course, only weakened the remaining human race to the next plague to befall our new Trix rabbit infested world: The rise of the Moose-people. Like a swarm of locusts.. Extremely pissed off, anthropomorphic moose shaped locusts.. They filled our cities and claimed our remaining women for their own. In a pathetic attempt to resist, the remaining men were no match for the 9 foot tall Moose-people and they ripped through the men like.. Whatever it is that moose naturally eat. They killed everyone. But then I wake. I am the only one left.. Somehow, I didn’t change.. I was not slaughtered. I am the sole male survivor in a world full of moose droppings, subjugated Amazonian women, and terrifying Trix Rabbit girls.. I will continue to fight the good fight from my dirigible with my army of winged cheetahs (my own creation).. Haunting the skies high above the Moose peoples’ terrestrial existence, like a Tropospheric Captain and the Planet of the Future!!!
Uhmm.. That being said, now is the time for every fan-boy to finally get closure on, what is difficult to argue as, the greatest film series in comic book history (or regular film history for that matter). The Dark Knight Rises finally closes out the Batman re-jump begun just seven years ago by a kid with a dream and three prior, phenomenal movies to his credit. Since then, Christopher Nolan (Who suspiciously looks a bit like Leonardo Dicaprio) has created hit after hit and ruined the lives of any and everyone else trying to release movies the same day as him. The only people crazy enough to even attempt to compete this year are the French: La Fille du Puisatier (The Well-Digger's Daughter).. A movie about.. I guess.. well-digging female children. Documentaries about billionaires: The Queen of Versailles.. Which is about obscenely rich people building a really big house. The Japanese: Hara-kiri: Death of a Samurai.. Based on that title, I have no idea what to expect! And, in an interesting turn of events, a limited release of a political indie movie called Grassroots. Grassroots is written and directed by the father of Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. Whether or not it was maliciously chosen to soft open on the same opening day of the movie series that fictionally killed his daughter is unknown.. But that's kind of a fun coincidence, right?
The Dark Knight Rises
Do I even really need to say anything about this? Seriously. The story takes place 8 years after The Joker completely ruined the lives of literally everyone that matters in Gotham City. Also, 8 years after everyone in Gotham turned their back on the Batman for killing Harvey Dent.. I don't really know why, though.. I mean, Dent didn't really do that much except run around like he had a death wish. Ahh.. I figured it out! Dent was basically an extremely popular Charles Bronson. If Charles Bronson had a six and a half foot psychotic friend, wearing a bulletproof bat suit and who was heavily trained by ninja and prison fighting. I realize that Harvey Dent.. Or Charles Bronson for that matter.. Has little to do with The Dark Knight Rises. But click this pic to read my FULL trailer review of it! (My first review with pictures!)
Okay, do yourself a favor and go watch the trailer for this movie.. Then go watch the movie.. And THEN go do some research on the actual people this movie is based on. The story is crazy. Joel David Moore plays Grant Cogswell, an unemployed music critic whose obsession with his city (Seattle) leads him on a grassroots (eh? Name of the movie.. Right?) campaign to eliminate the city council veteran, Richard McIver (Cedrick the Entertainer). Eliminate in the sense that he wants to beat him.. But not physically.. Mentally.. And.. Okay, physically, but physical in the sense that he wants the City Council seat and needs McIver to fail to get re-elected. Well, I made that more complicated than it should have been.. I digress. With the help of his skeptical, very reluctant, unemployed journalist friend, Phil Campbell (Jason Biggs), they will try to unseat the incumbent councilman. Phil Campbell (the real guy, not Jason Biggs playing Phil Campbell) is actually the author of Zioncheck for President, the book that this movie is based on. Through a whacky series of misadventures and a crash course in politics, Grant and Phil stumble through the red tape and actually appear to almost, maybe, make a difference. It's kind of like David and Goliath.. If David were two incredibly funny actors and Goliath was an extremely stylish comedian.
The Queen of Versailles
This documentary follows billionaire couple, David and Jackie Siegel, on their pursuit of their own personal American dream: To build a house that can swallow and digest every other house in the United States. This tracks the ups and downs of that pursuit and the strain it has on their relationship. As it is called The Queen of Versailles, I assume she wins.. And becomes the queen of a French city. David is actually the owner of Westgate Resorts, one of the biggest timeshare companies in the world.. So, you know.. We can finally put a face to all of those used car salesmen phone calls offering us free trips to Florida.. But only if we sit through a two hour seminar on why it's a good idea to pay through the dick for a glorified hotel room 15 hours away from our real home.
Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai
So, there's this movie that came out in 1962 called Harakiri (note: No hyphen, and way less words like "Death", "of", or "Samurai"). This 2012 remake is pretty much the same, except that it'll be in 3D, so you can experience the glory and honor of killing yourself in the THIIIIIIRD DIMENSION! Kind of. It actually follows the tale of Hanshirô, a samurai requesting to commit seppuku at a feudal lord’s home. Before allowing such an act, the lord recounts the tale of another samurai who had a similar goal, as a deterrent, or warning.. Or maybe he is just a member of the Midnight Society and is submitting for approval, the Tale of the Self Merked Samurai. Whatever his intent, Hanshiro maintains his goal. But before the act, he tells a story of his own.. And when it is revealed that the previous samurai, hell-bent on suicide, was Hanshiro's son, all hell breaks loose. Then everyone starts killing each other with swords and martial arts and stuff.
La Fille du Puisatier (The Well-Digger's Daughter)
In this romantic comedy drama (slash) French, rural version of For Keeps.. Which was basically just a suburban updated version of the 1940 French movie, The Well-Digger's Daughter.. Waitaiminnut.. Oh, so this is actually just a 2011 French remake of a 1940s French film of the same name. Right down to the actual French title: La Fille du Puisatier, and has NOTHING to do with Molly Ringwold.. Got it. Well, in pre-World War II France, a young woman loses control with the local rich boy/fighter pilot and then hilarity ensues. By "hilarity" I mean, of course, she gets pregnant and then he gets sent to the frontlines to more than likely be killed in a dramatic fashion (off camera). See? Hilarious. The pregnancy causes quite a stir and forces everyone into an all-out class war due to the fact that she's the daughter of a poor well-digger, and her baby daddy was the wealthy son of a shopkeeper. One thing is for sure, in the sequel, Well-Digger's Daughter 2.. There WILL be blood..
FINAL BREAKDOWN: (in this week's Final Breakdown, Bane reacts to things..)
The Dark Knight Rises
The Queen of Versailles
Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai 3D
The Well-Digger's Daughter