The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
January 4, 2013!
(warning: I'm back and it's a new year! Let the cursing begin! Also.. The snark!)
Click the movie posters to open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
written: January 4, 2013
What do Matt Damon, Trey Songz, Forest Whitaker, Tony Todd, and James Remar all have in common? If you said that they all, at one point in their careers, played Raiden from Mortal Kombat.. What the fuck are you talking about?! The correct answer is actually that all of these people have movies coming out later today! Although, if they somehow got them all together and dressed them all up as Raiden, and then forced them all to be on a reality TV show.. that would be fucking spectacular!
Five movies to cover, so let’s get it on! In the movie Promised Land, I assume that Matt Damon plays Palestine and John Krasinski plays Israel and they try to hash out their differences. Then some director you don't know casts a bunch of kids you don't know in yet another reboot you don't care about in Texas Chainsaw 3D. Andy Garcia plays a CIA operative who turns into a political talk show host who then becomes a mercenary in A Dark Truth.. Hopefully he gets to the bottom of things by Midnight, though, or else he'll be a mercenary who turns into a pumpkin! (bwahaha) In All Superheroes Must Die, all superheroes.. Will probably find a way to save the day because James Remar is the bad guy.. And James Remar usually dies. And finally, Tony Todd and Mark Hamill torture Atreyu for an hour and a half in Sushi Girl.
John Krasinski (The Office) and Matt Damon (Team America) star in what critics will call "A darling!" and "Totally engrossing usage of small town politics filled with just the right amount of Hal Holbrook!" and "My God, the floor is sticky in this theater!" Well, it all begins with Matt Damon and Frances McDormand swooping into a small, down-on-its-economic-luck small town in order to secure the rights to start drilling all over bejeezus and back. They, of course, run into some resistance in the form of a loose cannon activist played by John Krasinski and a school teacher gone rogue played by Hal Holbrook. And it's a good thing these corporate sales vultures get resistance, too.. Otherwise the movie would be two hours of this:
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Allegedly picking up right where the 1974 original ends.. This bypasses the six sequels and remakes and takes us down a new road. As luck would have it, an infant actually survived the horrifying ordeal our host Gunnar Hansen hosted and is now twenty years older and learns that she inherited the house from the first movie and then she has to go to it and her friends come and her cousin Leatherface isn't dead and then everyone runs around while they shove chainsaws into everyone's faces because this is 3D. ::breathing heavily:: ..It's weird that this is just called Texas Chainsaw.. Unless.. Wait a minute! What if this is actually rated PG and the Massacre is merely implied?!
A Dark Truth
Do corporate espionage, ex-CIA agents running amok in South America, or Forest Whitaker appeal directly to your erect nipples? If so, this movie is going to literally rip them off and replace them with a completely different set of even better, more erect nipples! Andy Garcia is hired by Deborah Kara Unger to investigate the mad ramblings of a man who blows his head off in front of her. (Who says suicide doesn't get things done?! Me, actually. Suicide is never the answer.) Upon investigating, he runs into Eva Longoria and Forest Whitaker and together, they take down the entire.. South American?.. army..? And Andy Garcia bangs Eva Longoria and she spends the whole movie in skimpy outfits.
All Superheroes Must Die
When four superheroes wake up in the middle of a seemingly abandoned town, they must spend the next several hours trying to piece back together their whacky shenanigans from a drug induced, alcohol soaked night in Las Vegas.. What's that? That's The Hangover? Oh.. Uhmm.. Then, this must be the one where four superheroes wake up in the middle of a seemingly abandoned town and must work together in order to defeat their arch-enemy, Rickshaw (James Remar). Regardless of which one this actually is, the movie follows Charge (Jason Trost), Cutthroat (Lucas Till), Shadow (Sophie Merkley), and The Wall (Lee Valmassy) and they must form an unlikely team to attempt to.. I don't know.. What would be a rickshaw's weakness? Like, take one of its wheels or something? Yeah.. They try to take one of James Remar's wheels.
After spending six years in jail, Fish (Noah Hathaway aka Atreyu from The Neverending Story) is invited to join the other four guys from the robbery that sent him to jail in the first place. So, Duke (Tony Todd aka Candyman), Crow (Mark Hamill aka Mark fucking Hamill), Max (Andy Mackenzie aka Max from Sushi Girl), and Francis (James Duval aka I got shot in the eye and became a creepy fucking rabbit in Donnie Darko) all sit down and treat Fish to an unforgettable evening of torturing Fish for the location of the missing loot from the robbery that sent Fish to jail.. And eating sushi off of an extremely committed to her job, Sushi Girl (Cortney Palm).
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown unofficially brought to you by the Disney Princess collection!)
Texas Chainsaw 3D
A Dark Truth
All Superheroes Must Die