The pReview Reviewing Wednesday Breakdown of June 1, 2012

The pReview Re-viewing
Wednesday Breakdown of
June 1, 2012

(warning: Contains cursing and a WIDE range of emotion)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window

by Jeff Finck
written: 5/30/2012


 
 
     When I was a kid, I stayed in the Bronx with my Great Grandpa.  I got to do all sorts of fun kid things like flash animals at the Bronx Zoo, or tell the Statue of Liberty to calm the fuck down, or walk around Central Park at night ignoring random screams, or climb to the top of the Empire State Building with a slinky and bungee jump from the top like a fucking Spy Kid.  I assume that's what spy kids do.  Life was good.. Being a kid was so simple!  It was only when I grew up that I realized that you pretty much need to drink a six pack of canned absinthe a day just to get through.. Okay.. It might not be THAT bad.  But I loves me some canned absinthe!

Yes, life can be so bad that you're willing to drink poison out of a can. And everyone knows that nothing tastes good canned.

    That being said, this weekend should shed some light on the darkness in the world: Someone tries to convince me that Kristen Stewart is hotter than Charlize Theron.  Someone made a ridiculous sequel to a ridiculous remake of a ridiculous movie about a ridiculous creature (ridiculously AWESOME!).  Spain and Australia have been busy releasing bad ass horror movies and this weekend they will finally iron out their long lost animosity in U.S. theaters.  Also, the ever popular "stoner movie" attempts to be just as funny as it was in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and early aughts.

The great thing about stoner comedies is the older I get, they stay the same age.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Man, the Queen has a dagger.. Why can't she just do the damn thing herself? Incriminating people and shit.

    So the classic tale of an innocent girl who pisses off her evil Queen stepmother, simply by being "fair" and then is sent out into the woods with someone three times her size to murder her and cut her heart out, (and who bitches out at the last second because he won't use his knowledge of the deadly arts of heart ripping), but he has the girl run into the evil forest that houses dark creatures and just over half a dozen little people who are wise, sage-like hermits that take pity on the little girl, and who aren't very good at defense strategy so the evil queen tracks the girl down and puts her to sleep for eternity, only to have the spell broken by some hapless, bumbling, necrophiliac Prince who wakes her up with a kiss and then karma steps in and jerks the Queen's life right out from under her.. You know.. That old nutshell.  It gets an update.  Click here to read my full review of the original trailer:

Not pictured: The Prince forcing all seven dwarfs to watch.

Piranha 3DD

(possible) Fact: If you wear TWO sets of 3D glasses, your brain WILL explode.

    I generally have a rule against watching sequels based on remakes, I mean, it just almost never works out. (I'm looking at you Ocean's 12, the Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Dr. Doolittle 2, Nutty Professor 2: the Klumps, and especially you, Angels in the Endzone.)  Piranha 3DD, however, doesn't seem to be taking itself very seriously and I am all for that!  Taking place a year after the events of Piranha Single D, Lake Victoria is hurting for tourists and money.  In an effort to increase traffic, a local waterpark resorts to cheap douchebaggery such as opening an adult-themed section, or hiring a celebrity lifeguard who know nothing about lifeguarding. (Even if he does have a golden voice.)  Everything turns to shit once again when, apparently, the piranha come back.. Part 2.. First Blood.. Dying harder.. The wrath of Khan!

That tricky Khan. Kirk HATES piranhas!

Apartment 143 (Emergo)

If you happen to have girls crawling upside down on your walls, there is an 83% chance that your apartment is haunted, too.

    At this point in everyone's life, I think we're done with "found footage" movies, especially if they keep blowing us with razorblades by making things like The Devil Inside, Apollo 18, The Last Exorcism, or anything crapped out by Asylum.  The only thing that keeps me crawling back are the rare in-betweens like Chronicle, Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield, and the movie that kind of kicked off the endless stream, The Blair Witch Project.  The other thing that keeps me coming back?  All of these whacky foreign flicks!  No one told the rest of the world that the genre was getting kind of played out, and so they crank out some of the best quality found footage flicks I've seen yet (The Troll Hunter (Norway), [REC] (Spain)), as well as some of the best "No Budget" movies (Monsters (UK))!  Spain is back at it with a widowed man and his children move into an apartment building to get away from their haunted house.  He seems convinced that his wife is hanging around and fucking with them from beyond the grave.  Things get ugly when people start fucking back with the spirits and the whole apartment building is fodder for a Jordin Sparks song.  I've said before that most of the found footage horror flicks are about 80% absolutely nothing at all, 15% creepy as shit, and 5% HOLY FUCK!  Here's hoping that this one tips that balance a bit to the HOLY FUCK side of things.

Holy Fuck, son!

The Loved Ones

Everyone knows the fastest way to a man's heart is to tie him to a chair and torture him for 8 hours.

    Have you ever asked someone to the big school dance and been turned down?  Sure, we all have.. I assume.. Because.. Shut up.. I'm cool.  Well, imagine that YOU were asked out and then turned me down and then I cried myself to sleep every night until the dance and then I decided to go by myself to show you all that I DON'T CARE WHAT ANY OF YOU THINK!  I mean.. Imagine that the person you asked out was raised by Ted Bundy and that kind of home life has disturbed the object of your inaffection into a fuck-brained psychopath.  Well, that is what happens to Brent (Twilight newborn army leader and part-time heartthrob, Xavier Samuel).  Lola (Robin McLeavy) asks Brent out to a school dance and is rejected for another, less insane girl called Holly (Victoria Thaine).  Well, Lola isn't having any of that bull shit and kidnaps Brent, ties him to a chair and forces her daddy to throw them a private dance filled with torture, maiming, power tools, and hopefully (at the very least) some fucking punch.  Australia pieced this freakfest together to remind us to never, EVER, turn them down if they ask us to a dance.

They will fucking lobotomize you.

HIGH School

Locker checks at this school would be SUPER easy.

    High School movies are a dime a dozen.  And besides, we've all been to (or are still in) High School and already know a majority of the shenanigans we can get ourselves into.  Sometimes it's entertaining to watch someone else go through it as you cringe when you remember a similar situation.  Sometimes the situations are funny, sometimes they're sad, sometimes they're boring, and sometimes you're the valedictorian and decide to celebrate by smoking weed for the first time.  And then sometimes the principal decides to implement a new zero-tolerance drug policy and test to go along with said policy, right before graduation.  And sometimes your best friend, who happens to be the biggest pothead you know, comes up with a plan to make the entire school high by stealing some mega-pot from Adrien Brody and baking it all up into MANY batches of brownies for a bake sale, so that everyone fails the drug test.  Because if everyone's high.. Then no one is high.  And that is pothead logic at its best!  ..And also the plot of this movie.

^~~ This is Arien Brody.. ..This is Adrien Brody on drugs ~~^ ................................I'm sure there are questions.

FINAL BREAKDOWN: (this week, Kristen Stewart reacts to things.. And I take quotes of hers way out of context!)

 

Snow White and the Huntsman

"It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies."

(It's a good thing that all of her movies are just really long episodes of Scooby Doo!  Whew!  Bullet dodged.)

Piranha 3DD

"Girls are scary. Large groups of girls scare the crap out of me."

(Which can be applied to large groups of carnivorous fish, as well, I suppose.)

Apartment 143

"And I'm overtly aware of fucking everything."

(That comes in handy when dealing with the paranormal!  Ghost Hunters should hire her!
They're always misplacing things and being attacked by spirits they provoke and are unaware of.)

The Loved Ones

"It's okay,' you know? It's okay to be you. It's okay to just not be okay. It's okay to not be okay."

(You hear that, sociopaths?  Kristen Stewart is in your corner!)

HIGH School

"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either."

(She apparently just wants to set her sights for teenagers. 
Which is going to get weird when she hits the ripe old age of 20. 
What?  She's already 22?  ..Oh.. Uhmm.. Awkward.)