The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
August 17, 2012!
click the movie posters to open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
(disclaimer: I've never been to Munich, nor have I any knowledge whatsoever of FACTS about Munich. Also, should you want to skip ahead to the second paragraph where I actually discuss TOPICAL movie things, I would not be offended. Enjoy!)
On a recent trip to Munich, I figured out why it really is Germany's most livable city: No zombies! Not one! It must be their fantastic leadership. One of my favorite fun facts about Munich's leadership is that they hold a triathlon every year to determine who will become the all-powerful Munich Mayor-- Which roughly translates to "Mother May I?" in German. (citation needed.) The triathlon doesn't consist of the usual dog sledding-lawn mower racing-Teddy Roosevelt lookalike contests, however.. No.. The Munich Mayoral Triathlon consists of the three high energy contests. (again, citation needed.) First is Best Switch Picker: All contestants go deep within the Bavarian Forest to battle the dreaded Shame Goats and pick a suitable spanking stick. Whoever comes back with the best switch (As voted on by a panel of Spank Experts), gets to spank the other contestants. This, of course gives the winner a free pass for the round and all others who cry out or shed tears are eliminated. Next, the remaining contestants chug glow stick fluid until everyone vomits. The last person who spews is the winner because we need a mayor with a strong constitution, dammit! Someone, who after brushing their teeth, EATS their toothbrush. Someone who ate their twin in the womb.. The kind of person that isn't afraid to admit that they listen to Carly Rae Jepsen! The last two people to throw up are put up in the Westin Grand and are treated to their last task: Latte Art. This is where each contestant makes lattes and attempts to use the steamed milk to create their best representation of Al Roker's face. (citation need.. Oh.. Nevermind.)
Hey! Now that I'm done making up facts about European cities, let me actually tell you real things about real movies that have nothing to do with Germany's third largest city! The Expendables 2 will literally (figuratively) explode every theater that it's in tomorrow. Paranorman, the new stop motion animated 3D adventure from the people who brought you Coraline, and NOT anything Tim Burton's ever done, comes out. David Cronenberg continues to make just plain weird ass movies.. This time, in Cosmopolis. It's a futuristic movie about a dude in a limo.. And that's it. Really. Okay.. There are other people in the limo. The 1976 music-driven drama called Sparkle that took place in the '50s gets a remake. This time, it will take place in the '60s! ..And.. Also.. Be called.. Sparkle. Select theaters will get the indie comedy, Throw Momma from the Wagon.. And Into Drugs. And by that I mean, the actual title, Why Stop Now? And for all of those people clamoring for a sequel to Persepolis, shut up, already! Actually, Chicken with Plums is technically just the second movie in a series trilogy.. Not a true sequel.. But it is finally coming out! And for all of those people clamoring to know what Persepolis is:
The Expendables 2
The cast list alone should give everyone (girls included) a gigantic boner for '80s and '90s action flicks! Expendables 2 should basically be a very violent wet dream of explosions, bullets, knives, and hopefully, one or two throat rips. Now, I've already done a full review of this trailer, so go ahead and click on this image of everything I hope they deliver to us via grenade C-Section if they ever make Expendables 3:
After terrifying children by convincing everyone that Coraline was a kids movie and then threatening to replace their eyes with sewn-on buttons, Laika (the Studio behind Coraline) has decided to give it another shot! This time, with witches! ..And John Goodman. Norman is a little boy with a totally normal, completely mundane, 100% average gift: He can see dead people. And speak to them. After finding out that he's the only one that can break the witch's curse that seems to be turning everyone in his small town into clay figures and giving them ridiculous..ly awesome hairstyles, Norman gathers his courage and possibly Ritalin (Every kid is on Ritalin nowadays, right?) and battles the forces of evil. But, let's be honest, if we're going to watch a full length movie about someone who can talk to ghosts..
I haven't seen a trailer for this that has made me think, "YES! I need to see this!" However, on paper, the story is kind of interesting: A unique take on the privileged class as they are literally chauffeured around the real world, based on a novel written by Don DeLillo. Plus, the director tackling the story is psychological mad man, David Cronenberg (The Fly, Scanners, Videodrome, A History of Violence) Hell, Cronenberg actually invented an entire genre called "Body Horror"! So there's this guy, right? He's called Eric. Eric is a billionaire who is on his way to get his hair cut. That is seriously the plot of the entire movie. What actually happens is a mind-fuck tale of "What the Hell?!" and "Why in the Hell?!" mixed with some sex and a suave Robert Pattinson. If nothing else, everyone who is Team Edward (and who isn't, right? After K-Stew became a walking stereotype) is going to go see this, however, I don't think many of them will be able to actually get into the theater with its hard 'R' Rating. So.. You know.. Here's something for all of you:
Despite popular belief, and not to dash the hopes of dozens of Mariah Carey fans.. This is NOT a sequel to Glitter. Think of it as an exact replica of Dreamgirls, except, you know, based on a movie called Sparkle.. That came out 30 years before Dreamgirls. Regardless of how you want to dissect this movie, the point is this: If you like the Supremes, Motown, or old school R&B, you should probably go and see this movie. Because, well, you know.. That's what the whole thing is about. Sparkle will be played by little Jordin Sparks, while others will be played by people named Cee Lo Green and Whitney Houston. (In her last feature film role.) Oh, and the music should be tastefully done with R. Kelly stepping in alongside the original Sparkle songs of Curtis Mayfield!
Why Stop Now?
If the Thing managed to snag both Michael Cera and Andy Samberg and then got confused as to which one it wanted to be at the moment, Jesse Eisenberg would be walking around, fucking with Kurt Russell. Hi, welcome to my mini review of Why Stop Now? Jesse Eisenberg plays Eli. When Eli tries to get his mother (Melissa Leo) into rehab, the craziest thing happens: She gets denied! She offers the best high-logic suggestion: If she gets high, she'll have dirty urine, and thus, get into rehab! Flawless! They have to go to her drug dealer (Tracy Morgan), who doesn't have any drugs, and so, in a Garden State/Wizard of Oz/Benny Hill-like adventure, Eli, his mom, her drug dealer and his bodyguard all go off to see the wizard.
Chicken With Plums
Marjane Satrapi has put together one of the coolest autobiographies ever: She turned her life into a series of graphic novels! They're filled with humor, drama, love, lost love, and ancient ceremonial capitals of lost Empires. Entirely autobiographical, Persepolis showed Marjane's childhood during the Iranian revolution, her travels to Austria and back to Iran, all the way through her telling Iran that it wasn't it, it was her.. And then ending up in France. With Chicken and Plums, Marjane is telling the bittersweet story of a relative of hers.. And his, sometimes comical/sometimes not, urge to kill himself. The story follows a brilliant violinist called Nasser Ali Khan (Mathieu Amalric). He was once in love with a girl that wasn't allowed to love him back, and so he loses himself in music.. I assume, because the World Wide Web wasn't around yet, and Facebook stalking and internet porn hadn't been invented. So he begrudgingly goes on with his life and even marries someone else! Alas, his marriage is loveless, so his wife decides that his music will have to be violin-less, and destroys his prized violin. Finally left with absolutely nothing-- No girl and no violin makes Nasser-Ali something, something-- He decides that he needs to kill himself. And.. Then.. Chicken.. With plums.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
So, a movie came out on August 15 called the Odd Life of Timothy Green. Disney thinks they're soooooo special bringing their movie out before my review drops, don't they? Well, if you ever wanted to see the mad science of the Cabbage Patch Kids mixed with the movie Powder, and then sprinkled with the Monkey's Paw.. Here ya go!
Final Breakdown: (This week: the magic of fake conversations between me and what I think Steven Seagal would say!)
INSPIRED BY THE FLAMING SWORD
SS: Steven Seagal
TPR: The pReview Re-viewing
The Expendables 2
SS: They told me I couldn't be in the Expendables. I told them, they couldn't be in me.
TPR: I.. Don't want to finish this breakdown, anymore. Go see this movie, though..
SS: Ghosts? Nah.. I don't talk about ghosts.
TPR: Why not?
SS: Let's just change the subject..
SS: Let's just say that if I can't rip slap weapons out of its hands, it doesn't agree with me.
TPR: Uhmm.. Okay? As for the movie, this should be good for the kids!
SS: I like kids. I can slap weapons out of their hands all day!
TPR: Of course you can.
SS: I laugh at your wealth. Yes, this is me laughing. Got a problem with that?
TPR: No.. Whose wealth? Aren't you rich?
SS: What? Kind of.. But not like those 1 percenters.
TPR: Right. The big fat cats on Wall Street and billionaires who don't want to pay taxes.
SS: What? No. The people who drink 1 percent milk. Just drink whole milk, dammit. It's healthier.
TPR: What the hell are you talking about?!
SS: Cosmopolis looks good.
SS: Let ME serenade you. I'll make you forget all about Motown.
TPR: You made an album?!
SS: Two. I've made two albums.
TPR: I didn't know that. What do they sound like?
SS: Have you ever had sex..
SS: You didn't let me finish. Have you ever had sex with Aikido?
TPR: Wait.. Like, the martial art?
SS: Oh. Then you wouldn't enjoy it.
TPR: Yeah, I'm going to stick with Jordin Sparks and the Supremes. Music, I mean!
Why Stop Now?
SS: I'm going to arrest this lady, and then I'm going to rip that nervous kid's throat out.
TPR: His name is Jesse Eisenberg.. And what's he ever done to you?
SS: He's nervous. Nervousness activates my Agitation Station.
TPR: I'm afraid to ask.
SS: Whoa. Be careful. Fear does it, too.
TPR: Then I better watch this movie to raise my amusement levels.
SS: You don't want to know what amusement does to my Agitation Station.
TPR: No. I don't.
Chicken With Plums
SS: I don't know why they want chicken and plums. I could give them chicken and KNIVES.
TPR: I don't think that's the point of the movie.
SS: Why is it called Chicken With Plums, then?
TPR: ..I.. Uhmm.. Don't actually know.. Maybe it’s a regional dish that could serve as a last meal?
SS: Ah. That's not last meal worthy. He needs steak.
TPR: Just steak?
SS: No. Steak and steak. With a steak soda.
SS: I'm hungry.
TPR: I'm going to go watch this movie. You find your steak.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
SS: I am not a fan of gardening. I'm especially not a fan of demon children growing from the ground.
TPR: I think he may be more of an angel.
SS: That's even worse.
SS: Yeah. I just watched The Prophecy.
TPR: I think those were fallen angels. Christopher Walken was awesome in that!
SS: Nah.. I wasn't a fan. He kept trying to intimidate me through the screen.
TPR: OH! I get it now! That's why you have a television set on your hand!
TPR: Why do you have a TV on your hand?
SS: What TV?
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!