The pReview Re-viewing
Wednesday Breakdown for
May 25, 2012
(warning: Contains profanity and something called Passion Fish.)
by Jeff Finck
I found out that Seizo Fukomoto holds the record for most on-screen deaths. He's rocked that move around 20,000 effing times! Here I am thinking that Bill Paxton has GOT to have that shit on lock, but he's just a drop in the ocean in comparison! I was then sitting back wondering what woman holds that record.. I got to thinking that Michelle Rodriguez is working on it.. She's up to six in her short-ish career. (They killed her twice in Resident Evil!) But then I realized that she is, in fact, working on a far more impressive record: Most movie resurrections! I mean, technically Bill Murray is winning that race. But think about it (SPOILERS): She dies in and is kind of resurrected in Lost. She gets munched on by a zombie and dies in Resident Evil. Within seconds of her death, she wakes back up and then just gets shot right in the damn face. And in about four months, she's coming back to life AGAIN in Resident Evil: Retribution.. Somehow. In Fast & Furious, she gets murd-ified OFF CAMERA! them after about a movie and a half of grieving, they bring her back to life OFF CAMERA! I just can't wait for Avatar 2, or fucking Bloodrayne 4!
Speaking of resurrections, on Friday, Will Smith reminds us just how successful he can be. A lot of people will probably be pissed off at some other people for allegedly shitting on the memory of the victims of Chernobyl. Wes Anderson (Rushmore, Royal Tenenbaums) is kooky and weird all over again.. But in, like, a very entertaining way. And then France cranks out a movie starring a man that's supposed to be tetraplegic, and is the first movie France has ever made that is parkour free. (Actually, almost all of their movies are parkour-free, I'd just like to believe they aren't.) Although, witnessing a tetraplegic free-running would be fucking awesome! Well.. Actually, that might just be a homicide.
Men in Black 3
So it took Will Smith a full year after Independence Day to decide to start fucking alien shit up again. Then another five years after that to to get back into the alien ass whupping business. Now, ten years after THAT, he's back AGAIN.. For his fourth alien bashing experience. In MiB, Will Smith played Agent J, a young know-it-all who actually ended up knowing nothing at all. Then he came back in MiB II as an older, wiser know-it-all who ended up knowing nothing at all, once again.. Except that this time, he had a love interest.. That he didn't know was an alien princess.. And flew away. Now, he's sick of all this present day bull shit and decides to travel back to 1969 where the women are loose and Tommy Lee Jones is looser. I mean.. Looks like Josh Brolin (Both are Agent K). Jemaine Clement plays Boris. Boris is an alien, no doubt, and he is looking to Fat Bastard Agent K directly into oblivion. J must intervene or his elderly hetero life mate will be erased from the future. To up the stakes further, J has 24 hours to do it, or he'll be.. Black to the Future!
A bunch of dumb kids abandon all sense, go somewhere they shouldn't, disrespect the memories of hundreds of people killed due to a horrific accident, and then all get the dick killed out of them. The six tourists go on an "extreme" tour of Prypiat, the abandoned Ukrainian city near the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. Upon leaving, they find that their transportation is as fucked as they are about to be and are forced to bunk up with a bunch of annoyed, restless poltergeists. The spirits start yanking the kids out of their lives and tricking them with trickery and misdirection.. And murder. It's pretty nice that the trailer leaves a lot to the imagination in the way of horror. As a movie with such a limited cast and not much in the way of advertisement, this looks pretty effing sweet. Despite the fact that you just know a bunch of people are going to protest this shit because they believe they're disrespecting the memory of the victims by turning them into malevolent angry murderers. You just have to look at it like, a bunch of ignorant tourists are disrespecting the victims and are becoming very acquainted with karma.
Wes Anderson has created yet another quirky world to add to his collection of Life Aquatic, Rushmore, Bottle Rocket, and The Royal Tenenbaums.. Like always, it's filled with fucked up situations, ridiculous characters, and amazing cinematography. The story follows two youngsters in 1965 and their budding relationship which leads to a True Romance style adventure, blazing a trail through New England, but with less violence, but with the same exact amount of Bob Balaban!) Their small island town sends out a search party led by Die Hard himself, Bruce Willis. It is better that Bruce Willis is leading the search party as opposed to other Wes Anderson usual suspects.
Phillippe (François Cluzet) is your typical eccentric rich guy with an animosity for people who give a shit. His arms and legs no longer work due to an unknown affliction and this right pisses him off. After shitting on every care giver what he's ever seen, Driss shows up like an apathetic ray of sunshine! Driss (Omar Sy) is a streetwise rake from a sketchy background.. And even sketchier streets. He haphazardly applies for a job to give care to the tetraplegic Phillippe, not expecting to get hired. But Phillippe takes a shine to the young spitfire and the two rock 'n roll all over the French country side, Thelma and Louise style. I'm just glad that foreign movies are finally remaking American classics!
Final Breakdown (If R.L. Stine renamed these movies and tried to sell them to you.)
Men in Black 3: They Came from Space.. Again! --When mischievous Agent K discovers a conspiracy to eliminate friends from the past, he must go back in time and stop the madness! I cannot urge you enough to check this out before you run out of time!
Chernobyl Diaries: Journey into the Ukrainian Unknown --When six children and their guide are stranded in a mysterious city with a deadly past, they begin disappearing one by one. Will they uncover the mystery by sunrise? Watch the fuck out of this to find out!
Moonrise Kingdom: Escape from Rhode Island --Two young friends go on a life changing journey and are pursued by dry humor and Hudson Hawk. As they race toward the unknown, they are unaware that something else is catching up.. Themselves. Expect this to be absolutely darling.
The Intouchables: The Creepy Caper of the Caregiver --When a young man from the suburbs of Paris arrives at the mansion of a wealthy disabled man, the two become entwined in a tale of mystery and adventure the likes the two have never seen! A touching tale worth watching with anyone who doesn't hate France.