The pReview Re-viewing of..
The Man With the Iron Fists
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: This trailer may cause fits of excitability and bleeding from the nose. Addendum: It probably won't cause bleeding from the nose. Addendum: Even though, it will.)
by: Jeff Finck
Release Date: November 2, 2012
The plot is very straight forward: In a matter of days, a government shipment of, what the youngsters call, "hella" gold is going to make its way through the wild Chinese village of Jungle Village. Hahahaha.. Chinese jungles.. China doesn't have any jun..
..gles. Hmm. Well, that was unexpected. Regardless of whacky Disneyland Hong Kong attractions full of restless spirits and what I assume is China's leading boy band/jungle exploration group: Ni Hao, Guy Lan!, let’s move on, shall we?
In honor of the very large shipment of gold, an assortment of random thugs, warriors, assassins, and retired American wrestlers all descend upon the village in hopes of claiming the gold for themselves. As the villagers rally, wildcard warrior and full time blacksmith, The Blacksmith, transforms himself into the ultimate warrior to defend the village he loves so much. But, like, with less face paint and slightly more metallic arms and fists. Also, no '80s power mullet. And he's black. And a rapper. And in the Wu-Tang Clan.
Deep within the Jungle Village, a mysterious man silently commands and bends superheated steel to his will.. He is the blacksmith of this wily community, and his name is The Blacksmith.. Which, like, makes it way easier to bend steel to your will. Cluing us all in on the Tao of Weapon-making, there are only three rules, apparently: The right metal, temperatures hotter than Jamie Chung in a sauna, and someone who wants to take advantage of someone else performing steps one and two so they can cut everyone's dick off until they're dead from it. Lucky for fans of violence, this village (and movie) has all three! And, also, mystical blacksmiths with magical tattoos and fists of iron.
After the Blacksmith introduces us to the art of forging weapons, the lovely Madame Blossom gives us all a lesson in the art of sexually hostile take overs. She lets us know that power is its own person.. Much the same way that corporations are people.. At least, until someone seizes that power through sex and violence. And then the trailer gives us an example of both! Interestingly enough, "Seizing Power Through Sex & Violence" was the failed follow up to The Exploited's wildly successful, much simpler 1981 hit, Sex & Violence.
A fortune in gold is all the motivation seven different clans and Russell Crowe (a knife wielding psychopath, appropriately called Jack Knife) need to get amped up for a no holds barred Royal Rumble in the Chinese Jungle. So the fearless Blacksmith, along with Jack Knife, Madame Blossom (and her league of lady assassins), a mutant demon called Brass Body, Bronze and Silver Lion (Cung Le and Byron Mann), and Lady Silk (Jamie Chung) all start murdering anyone who doesn't have a cool inanimate object and/or adjective in their cooly-cool cool name. It’s kind of like they’re the officers of an away mission and everyone else is just a bunch of red shirts.
The battle kicks off with guns, knives, and the loss of lives as the trailer starts introducing all of the characters to us by name:
Jack Knife (Russell Crowe), who is strongly attached (in more way than one, I’m guessing) to his spinny knife of knifey pain. Madame Blossom (Lucy Liu), aka Mrs. Take The Dick From Your Still Breathing Body And Then Rip Your Throat Out. Brass Body (David Bautista), who kind of looks like Colossus.. If some ballsy young pranksters spray painted him gold in his sleep. X-Blade (Rick Yune), who has commitment problems with his knives.. As such, he has adopted the slogan, "If you love a knife set it free.. If it comes back to you.. That's weird, because I just buried it deep within my opponent’s body." And The Blacksmith (RZA), who will punch both of your eye balls out through your anus. And together, they all star in the hit new MTV reality show, The Real World: Jungle Village!
The rest of the trailer is ultra-violent, filled with violence and.. Ultra.. ocity..? If there was any question of the tone of the movie, what with all the martial arts and bloody killing, it is right around the 2:04-2:07 mark of the trailer. There's just nothing like expressing which direction you're planning on taking the audience like a sarcastic murder. Now, this comes from the minds of RZA and Eli Roth, presented by Quentin Tarantino, and that means three things: 1.) This is going to be stylishly violent and full of ridiculous murder. 2.) The soundtrack and score will be utterly spectacular.. If you like rap. (I do.) And 3.) Because Quentin Tarantino is "presenting" it, this is going to be wildly successful. Granted, it would more than likely be wildly successful even if he did write it.. But as the trailer sets this up as a non-stop action flick full of action, I'm kind of glad to find out that he didn't write it.