The pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers for
February 10th, 2012
(warning: Contains 1 Turkish delight, 1 Welsh Rarebit, and 3 Liverpool Tarts)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
Welcome to a late, late edition of my Wednesday's Friday breakdown.. the Appe-Teasers, if you will.. Or, even if you won't. This week we have 1 or 2 worth watching.. and then.. like, the rest are worth it if you have recently been the recipient of a lobotomy! (Maybe not THAT bad, but I was recently told I don't know shit about movies, so.. fuck 'em.) First up, Denzel gets paired with Ryan Reynolds.. finally! Then, Rachel McAdams forgets that she's married to Channing Tatum.. Interestingly enough, I did too! Also, more money and a bigger cast has GOT to mean success for the Journey sequel, right? Then, Woody Harrelson tries to break out of being typecast as being completely insane by being completely insane. And finally, George Lucas tries to make back the 50 million he dropped on Red Tails in a single weekend.
Denzel Washington plays a lovable, sociopathic, rogue CIA agent who turns himself into Ryan Reynolds and then the two of them frolic about South Africa, like, scamming on chicks.. I assume. For my full reviewing of this, click this image of a very friendly, unkempt Denzel Washington:
Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams play a couple of hip married kids, gallivanting and having a good time, called Leo and Paige.. but then a major car accident gives Rachel McAdams massive head trauma and she forgets how to love. Through a long series of first dates, Adam Sandler will make her fall in love with him every day. I mean Channing Tatum will try to make Rachel McAdams remember him and try to get her to not revert to the "before time." The "before time" refers to 5 years ago: She was unmarried, doing intravenous drugs, going to raves, filming Bum Fights.. Oh, and she was in love with and ENGAGED to someone else. Yeah.. this story is based on the real life adventures of a couple called Kim and Krickitt Carpenter. Will Leo and Paige have the same luck? Or will she remember that she's a spy and team up with Samuel L. Jackson and go on a revenge rampage, hunting Craig Bierko down like a dog for trying to kill her?
Journey 2: the Mysterious Island
First off, a total missed opportunity to just call this Journey TO the Mysterious Island. Second off, I am pretty sure Journey to the Center of the Earth did mediocre, at best. I guess adding a bigger cast and throwing more money at Jules Verne's books will improve it? Thirdly, I assume that Jules Verne is confused as to why they skipped like 10 books in his Voyages Extraordinaires series. What of From the Earth to the Moon? Which could be called Journey to the Moon! Or, The Adventures of Three Englishmen and Three Russians in South Africa? Which could be called Journey to South Africa! This particular one is loosely based on Mysterious Island.. I say "loosely" because I doubt the book had anyone quite like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Luis Guzman or Michael Caine. Josh Hutcherson reprises his role as Sean Anderson, but Brendan Fraser and.. uhmm.. everyone else, is absent. Kristin Davis steps in as a replacement for Sean's mom. And Vanessa Hudgens steps in as the girl Sean will be hitting on for 90 minutes. I expect several The Rock one liners, Luis Guzman to be the plucky comic relief throughout, and Michael Caine to just be fucking amazing all the time. Be prepared, though, like the first one, this is shot in 3D.. so if you're planning on seeing this in 2D, it is probably going to look terrible.
This movie is based, loosely, on the aftermath of the Rampart Scandal in the 90s when it was discovered that there was some pretty nasty corruption in the LAPD's CRASH unit. I would say that people need to lay off the LAPD, but every 10 years or so, they just seem to bring it on themselves. Rampart follows Officer Dave Brown in the midst of the fallout of the whole thing. He is caught on tape beating a suspect and then it just kind of goes downhill for him from there. A lot of people are going to (and already have) compare this to Training Day. However bad Denzel's Detective Alonzo Harris was, Woody Harrelson's Dave Brown is supposed to be the real, corrupt deal. The trailer even says that this guy is the most corrupt cop caught on film to date. I was going to cite that I am pretty sure no one beats Gary Oldman in Leon: The Professional.. but this shit happened in real life to real people and had very real repercussions. I have a feeling that what will set the 2 performances apart (other than Woody Harrelson being just, like, waaaay whiter than Denzel) is that Denzel really did the whole "I am the Lion King of these fucking streets" thing really well. Woody, however, kind of has a down on his luck, grittier life, almost hyena quality to it. The trailer mostly shows Woody Harrelson being the loosest of cannons, running around town being a dick to everyone.. Except, instead of the quirky, over-the-top Chief telling him that he's a loose cannon, he has Ice Cube and Sigourney Weaver calmly telling him to go fuck himself.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
This will ALMOST make it worth watching:
This, however, will make you want to vomit:
Final Verdict: (if these movies were officers in the Police Department of Entertainment)
Safe House: Not quite the Chief of Police.. but certainly a Deputy Chief.. or Assistant Chief. Definitely on the fast track.
The Vow: This is more like an outside consultant. They're not really allowed to do any real police work, but if someone has a broken heart, these guys can look into it.
Journey 2: Mysterious Island: Officer Friendly.
Rampart: That grizzled Detective who hates everyone equally. ..and also does drugs ..and sleeps with prostitutes.. and is on the take. ..and probably kills dogs.
Star Wars Episode Fuck: the 3D Menace: Barney Fife. Sure, he's a deputy.. but he sure doesn't have any business doing things.