The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
May 2013!
(warning: May contain curse words. Do you see what I did there? By the way.. This definitely contains curse words.)
by Jeff Finck
written 4/30/2013
Ah, the merry month of May. When all of the flowers bloom because of the showers April had due to all of the snow continuously cycle-melting.. And then the flowers all die again because it's still fucking snowing. What in the motherfuck, Mother Nature?! But I digress. Let's see.. What else is May known for? Oh yeah! The movie industry's warpath begins anew each year in May in an attempt to pocket-rape everyone of their hard-earned pizza and beer money. Or, in my case, Jack in the Box and food coma savings.
Sometimes I combine the two!
On May 3rd, all your base are belong to Marvel. And Disney. Iron Man 3 will put to bed all of the rumors that the third movie in whatever trilogy, will ruin said trilogy. (Click here for my full trailer re-viewing of Iron Man 3!) It will surely surpass the likes of The Godfather Part III, Spider-Man 3, Jurassic Park III, Beverly Hills Cop III, The Matrix Revolutions, Friday After Next, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Tales of the Apple Dumpling Gang, and Zoop: Zoo Rangers in South America..
Iron Man 3: Probably better than Zoo Rangers in South America.
On May 10th, hold onto your frail panties because Eli Roth and friends are going to try to scare them off of you while Leonardo DiCaprio and Tyler Perry are going to forcefully put them back on.. And then try to smoothly remove them again.. With their teeth.. Simultaneously. Let's start with the panty scare: Eli Roth, Nicolás López, and Guillermo Amoedo saw the 2010 massive 8.8 Chilean earthquake and thought to themselves, "Yeah, I could make that worse." And then, apparently, they wrote the movie Aftershock. Probably seeing the same tragic event, Tyler Perry decided to run screaming in the other direction, abandon anything to do with said tragedy and just make a movie called Peeples, about a family reunion in the Hamptons that seems to share the premise of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner..
With 74% less racial tension.
Also, May 10th will be the wide release of The Great Gatsby! In 3D! Because.. You know.. Fuck it. Directed by Baz "Wear Your Fucking Sunscreen" Luhrmann and starring Leonrdo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan.. AND with a powerhouse soundtrack by Jay-Z.. this is sure to be the feel-good experience of the summer! We've all read the book, right? I mean, we all remember the fantastical story about love and loss, solitude and anger, existentialism and space mercenaries! (After clicking link, please put on 3D glasses. Side effects of reading with 3D glasses may include: Headaches, nausea, dizziness, and the inability to read text.) I can't fucking wait!
Just when you thought Jay Gatsby couldn't get more complex.. (short story by Erica Zimmerman)
On May 17th, geek-gasms may just flood the entire Alpha Quadrant. Also, I'm sorry for making you imagine that much semen. And if you hadn't imagined that much semen until I apologized for making you imagine that much semen.. Again.. I apologize, and you have my sincerest condolences on your innocence. In any case, Star Trek Into Darkness comes out! I plan on doing a full trailer re-viewing of that just as soon as *I* get that image of a galactic set of elevator doors opening, Shining style, and flooding the known universe with tons and tons of seme..
Hurrrrk.. Ughh.. Full trailer re-viewing.. :spit: ..probably Monday.. Grrruuyyrrrkh!
If you had planned on taking it easy after Star Trek comes out.. Fucking guess again! On May 24th, Fast Six and The Hangover 3 both unzip their flies and drop massive amounts of watch-ability into your waiting eyes. (Why are there so many genital metaphors this week?!) Also, a little animated flick called Epic comes out. I say "little" because the whole movie is like a teenier tinier Fern Gully.. However, the voice cast is loaded with people: Christoph Waltz, Amanda Seyfried, Josh Hutcherson, Colin Farrell, Beyonce, Aziz Ansari, Jason Sudeikis, Steven Tyler, Chris O'Dowd, and Pitbull.. Who you may remember as Mr. 305, but became Mr. Worldwide after he graduated geography school.
He's so fucking happy to not have to go to geography school anymore! Which is totally a thing!
Oh, and please don't worry about me not going too in depth with Hangover 3 and Fast and Furious 6.. I'm planning on fully re-viewing their trailers so hard in the next couple of weeks, I'm going to bleed from my eyes with excitement!
It'll probably look like this! Except I have better teeth and slightly worse eye sight!
Lastly, on May 31st, Will and Jaden Smith star in After Earth. I want to stop there, but I have sooooo much to say! First of all, Will Smith and Jaden Smith are real-life father and son. Guess what? They play (streeeeetch) father and son in the movie! And guess who's producing this.. I'll just assume you rattled off all the character names from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.. YOU'RE WRONG! The correct answer is Jada Pinkett Smith and her younger brother Caleeb Pinkett. So, right away, we have a whole family affair thing happening on set.
Like this.. Only with a different plot and a different cast!
Okay, let's start getting into the guts of this flick: The next best thing about a movie called After Earth? The obvious would be that the thick of the plot centers around two stranded people, fighting the harsh elements and wild fauna, all while the viewer is treated to massive visuals and beautiful scenery as we get a "firsthand" account of what happens.. dun dun dun.. after Earth! The not-so-obvious? The main characters' names are Cypher and Kitai Raige. Again, THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE NAMED RAIGE!!! How boss is that? If you answered: "About as boss as giving yourself a nickname in High School." You were correct!
Look out for spin off video games!
But then, it gets even crazier.. This guy is directing it:
What a twist! Collective groans, be damned!
If Mystery Night Shyamalan (I assume that the M. stands for Mystery) just isn't moistening your adult underoos, look no further than Louis Leterrier's (Transporter, Transporter 2, Unleashed, The Incredible Hulk) latest flick: Now You See Me. Now You See Me is the harrowing tale of Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson finally landing jobs as magicians in the zombie wasteland following the events of Zombieland. And.. I'm being told that I'm grossly misinformed and have no idea what I'm talking about. Even though, two hours of this would be hilarious!
Little known fact: Zombies go apeshit if you claim you have their nose!
Now You See Me is actually about a small group of magicians called The Four Horsemen (Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, and Dave "Baby Francs" Franco). From Las Vegas, the group performs a magic show, in which they rob a bank on another continent and then dispense all of the money into the crowd by, I believe the technical term is, "making it rain." Of course, this doesn't sit well with the FBI or Michael Caine, so they hire Morgan Freeman to battle the crew in a game of magic.
Did Morgan Freeman really just beat me with nothing but Chimney Imps?!
The Purge also comes out on the 31st. The Purge stars Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey as a cautious suburban couple with their 2.5 kids and big house and they think they're better than me! I mean.. Ahem.. Uhmm.. The Purge takes place in a fictional, future United States in which crime has been completely eradicated.. Except for a twelve hour period, once a year, when all crime is legal. So, like, I guess it's not really called crime in that 12 hour period. It's kind of like anything goes.. I suppose, in layman's terms, once a year, the government basically turns the U.S. into an extremely deadly Seven Minutes in Heaven.
Still more action than I've ever gotten playing this game.
Tune in at the beginning of next month to see what I gots to say about every single movie coming out in June! And make sure to keep checking back every Tuesday for a full re-viewing of whatever movie I feel like ranting and raving about! This coming Monday: Star Trek Into Darkness!
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