The pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers
February 3, 2012!
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
Bangarang everyone and welcome to the Wednesday breakdown of the Friday releases that you probably won't watch until Sunday brunch. If you wanted to see 3 kids with super powers, Harry Potter in a horror movie, Drew Barrymore fight the Arctic Circle, ghosts in an inn, or watch Madonna direct a romantic drama at you, then you are in for a treat this weekend!
Chronicle is one of those "found footage" movies.. but this time with a new take! To find out what that new take is, and why I fully endorse it, click this young gentleman destroying a car with his mind:
The Woman in Black
Daniel Radcliffe stars as Jack Bauer, who has 24 hours to save the President of the United States of Haunted Mansions. Actually, he plays lawyer and widower extraordinaire, Arthur Kipps. He and his son struggle against the girl from the Ring all grow'd up. Actually.. the story goes that the Woman is a lady who lost her child.. and then the whole town decided that she should become the Mothman of childrens' deaths. So Kipps shows up to tell them and their beliefs to fuck right off and then eats every single one of his words and actions. The first trailer release for this was creepy as fuck. The teaser had mostly had images from the movie, no real dialogue and only glimmers and shimmers of "What the fuck is going on in this movie?!" For the most part, it teased pretty effectively. The second trailer, however, showed us all of its cards. And now I know exactly what is going to happen: Eddie Murphy is going to show up with his family and Terrence Stamp is going to be the Woman in Black.
It's been about 20 years since I gave a damn about any kind of whale, and I'll be honest with you: I didn't really even care way back then. I read an article once about the dangers of whales: READ THIS! The trailer for Big Miracle paints a tale of humans finding themselves through mother nature.. and makes me think that the real idea behind this movie is that if we can't save ourselves.. let's save the whales! This is actually based off of the real international event called Operation Breakthrough. In 1988, an Inupiaq Inuit hunter discovered a few gray whales trapped under some ice in the middle of the icy North where there is a bunch of ice.. because that's what happens in Alaskan waters and really ANY cold area full of cold. Instead of moving on with life, he decided that he needed to help these whales get out of the ice and into a less solid version of water (even though they were IN the water). This effort, of course, spread like news of a celebrity's death on Twitter. Before you knew it, upwards of 1 million dollars was literally (figuratively) thrown into the ocean so this absolutely natural-selection-at-work event could be thwarted. I can only hope, based entirely on absolutely no real shred of evidence.. and certainly not the trailer.. that this is essentially Final Destination 6: A Whale's Tale.
Now here we have a movie that, as far as I've seen, hasn't had much in the way of promotion. This seems to be a pretty straight forward horror flick filled with those moments that aren't THAT scary, but thanks to the foghorn they blast when they show them to you, you jump through your skin and leave your bowels evacuated in your shoes. The story goes that there was a woman that killed herself in the real life Yankee Pedlar Inn and she still lingers around the halls. The movie focuses on Claire and Luke (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy), 2 employees of the hotel, who apparently sit around and masturbate to Ghost Hunters, and who set up shop to try and catch this phenomenon on film and audio to keep the place from being shut down. This, as in all movies of its ilk, is a horribly bad, terribly terrible idea that will involve lots and lots of torment and paranormal vengeance. But hey, at least there will be lots of airhorns and pants pooing!
W.E. As in Wallis and Edward. Woulda been nice if it stood for Wars and Empire.. and this was actually just the Empire Strikes Back.. but alas, it is not. This is something much less Warsy, and slightly more Starsy.. without the awesomeness of both of them mashed together. I almost don't want to say anything about this movie.. but I must! For the sake of integrity among comedic reviewers, I must! According to my friend, Corey, W.E. is a movie that I have in my secret stash because I am covertly obsessed with Madonna making my life better. W.E. is, in actuality, a movie trailer I can really only say that I've seen (at best). The movie is directed by Madonna and actually seems to start out as a decent period piece about how Wallis Simpson aka the Duchess of Windsor (Andrea Riseborough), stole the heart of King Edward VIII (James D'Arcy) and basically tanked his entire career as a monarch within a year. But then takes a cliche'd turn into "the past will help shape my outlook on life!" land. This full, wild and crazy story is brought to life in.. well I was going to say "the present", but this takes place in 1998 for some weird reason. In the presen.. I mean 1998.. Wally Winthrop (Abbie Cornish) is sick of their story being only told from the one side, so she tracks down a set of letters allegedly from Wallis Simpson, to tell HER side of the story. And women everywhere are slightly more empowered now. ..I think. That's the point of this, right?
Final Verdict: (This week, in the form of Zodiac fortunes!)
Chronicle: For those of you who watch this movie, expect your week to be slightly more energetic and filled with moments of fleeting giddiness. Your lucky numbers are 3 and gobbleteen.
The Woman in Black: If you catch this flick this weekend, chances for rain are slight, however, you may be in for a long weekend. 3 day, that is! Nice! Your lucky numbers are 13 and your lucky phrase is "Don't look behind you!"
Big Miracle: Love could come your way today, Big Miracle viewer. This might involve a co-worker. Especially if you're a whaler. Your lucky numbers are cursed. You have no lucky numbers.
The Innkeepers: Chances are high that you will come into a slight sum of money in the next few days if you see this on opening night. Chances are even higher that you don't. Your lucky numbers are Marktober and Celery.
W./E.: If you see this film this weekend, expect to run into an old flame! Topic for discussion: Other terrible movies you both enjoy! Your lucky numbers are google and -1.