The pReview Re-viewing of..
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(wanring: One does not simply misspell the word "warning" to make it sound like "One Ring".)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: December 13, 2013
Speaking of impolitely asking to be excused to the bathroom in the middle of your own funeral.. Wait. I'm not entirely sure anyone was talking about that. Ever. Regardless! 2012's The Hobbit Part One An Unexpected Trilogy was Peter Jackson's answer to the unasked question, "So.. The Lord of the Rings was successful." (sigh.. that wasn't even a fucking question..) And so it began anew: Another journey into Middle Earth, New Zealand.. And this time, it would be different!
Just to give everyone a recap, The Hobbit aka Bilbo Baggins aka Burgles the Clown (Martin Freeman) had just settled in for a lovely evening of not being disturbed by anyone or anything, when thirteen asshole Dwarves and a big ass Wizard named Gandalf (Ian McKellen) show up to eat, drink, and sing there way into convincing Bilbo to join them on their never ending quest to save their girlfriends! I mean, an epic quest to walk a whoooooooooole lot.. Andthenslayadragonaaaaand reclaimaforgottenthrone. They all embark on the journey, only to be waylaid by functionally retarded Ogres, racially charged political intrigue, holier-than-thou asshole Elves, Rock 'em Sock 'em Stone Giants, and a bunch of asshole Goblins, who are led by a syphilitic, scrotal-herpe Goblin known only as, The Great Goblin. OH! And Bilbo crosses wits with the Serkis Gollum.
So, Bilbo beats Gollum (Andy Serkis) in the battle, nabs the One Ring (yes, that one), and then meets back up with the Unexpected Party, only to have to immediately deal with an Unexpected group of Warg-riding asshole Orcs. (I'm noticing that pretty much everyone in Middle Earth is an asshole.) The leader of these Orcs is Azog (Manu Bennett), the scarred up beast who has a blood feud with the leader of the Dwarves, Thorin (Richard Armitage), because Azog killed Thorin's dad and in retaliation,Thorin killed Azog's left arm. (Seems pretty one-sided.) The Orcs surround the party, injure Thorin, and are about to Circle the Square when, inexplicably, big Fuck-Off Eagles show up and save everyone.. and then drop them all at a big Fuck-Off Rock roughly eight thousand miles away from anywhere near where they need to be. I get it, Eagles, I do. You don't want to drop them anywhere near where asshole Men can shoot arrows at you, but fuck's sake, you could have huffed it a couple thousand miles closer. Assholes.
Oh, and then a shitty, asshole Thrush starts banging its nuts all over the mountain and wakes Smaug the Dragon up.
This all brings us to the trailer for The Desolation of Smaug! It all starts off with some sultry voice of water asking us where our journey is going to end over some of the most necessary establishing shots known to the Age of Man. It turns out the voice belongs to an Elf and Elfman McSexyhair continues his posturing over more establishing shots and finally he just lays out the plot plain, that way everyone who isn't already in the movie can figure out exactly what is going on. Bilbo, Thorin, and company are all on their quest to take back The Lonely Mountain from Smaug the Dragon, that way Thorin can finally reclaim his birthright and rule the kingdom Under the Mountain, Aragorn.
All the nice panoramic shots are replaced with fun, jovial shenanigans, as the Dwarves and Bilbo ride down Disney's Splash Mountain in a bunch of barrels while being chased by the Wood Elves. And then the fun ends when the Wood Elves prove to be just as much of an asshole as any other asshole race in this story by capturing the group by.. What the Crap?! Is that Legolas (Orlando Bloom)? I mean, I guess that makes sense seeing as Bilbo and his band of merry Dwarves end up being captured by Thranduil (Lee Pace) when attempting to pass through his realm. Thranduil is, of course, the Elvenking of Greenwood the Great. And Greenwood the Great, of course, would forever be known as Mirkwood after the dark Lord Sauron established his budding return under the guise of The Necromancer of Dol Guldur in the southern wood. And Legolas is Thranduil's son. Obviously.
Okay, we've established why Legolas is there.. I guess. But who in the balls is his girElfriend? (Did you see what I did there?) Her name is Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly) and she is here.. to kick your ass. And be Legolas' equal. And help the elves find their balls. And basically just be a solid, strong female character in a story entirely filled with dudes and shit.
I keep noticing that, every now and then, the trailer just fills time up with several unrelated shots to the main story it's trying to convey. I mean, yeah, show off a bit.. Get us interested in stuff.. But what was with the weird cut to Bilbo showing everyone what it would be like if anyone other than Scrooge McDuck tried swimming in money? Or when Radagast the Brown (Sylvester McCoy) just randomly asks Gandalf if something is a trap? If what is a trap? I mean it probably is.. And Gandalf seems to think it is.. But just who does Radagast think he is?
Thranduil does some more of his smooth voice-over.. Sorry, I have to stop for a second. I swear, when this guy talks, he should come with his own Hashtag: #ElfBoner. "Such is the nature of evil.. In time, all foul things come forth." And, almost like a dare, asshole spiders, that asshole Orc, Azog, from the first movie, and all manner of just those two things I just mentioned show up and start pissing on everyone's legendary journey. But the greatest danger of all lurks just around the corner. Gravity. And there's a nice chunk of the trailer when the cast just tells gravity to eat an Ent's termite riddled dick.
Okay, back to the overarching story here: That asshole Dragon and his Desolating. The leader of the Lakemen, Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans), is all worried that the Dwarves are going to go wake up Old Smaug-bottom and, if they do, everyone in Laketown will be desolated.. Of Smaug. Little does he know, that dragon's already awake as balls and causing earthquakes all over the mountain and back, thanks to that shit-eating bird from the end of Part One. Remember?
And finally, at long last, we get to see Smaug's big ass head. He kind of looks like the Dragon version of Sling Blade, though.. More like Smaug Blade.
And there it is.. Part Two to a Three Part movie series that is actually yet another Series in a long line of unncessarily extended Book Series..es. Why is everyone doing that? Is it a money thing? There's no way they could NEED that much more money. So, maybe Middle Earth isn't the only realm filled with Assholes. Plenty of those right here on Regular Earth, apparently. Greedy fucks. I'll be honest with you, though.. Fuck it. TAKE MY MONEY! I can't wait to grab thirteen of my shortest friends, and one of my tallest and walk to a theater nowhere near me to see this!