The pReview Re-viewing of..
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(note: Due to the official website allowing one to change the ending to the newest trailer,
there are several versions of it. I decided to go with the alternate ending featuring Bilbo. Enjoy!)
click the poster for the Official Website!
(warning: May cause low sperm count and fits of cursing.. Due to the cursing. And uranium.)
by Jeff Finck
written: 11/20/2012
Release Date: December 14, 2012
I just had the single greatest thought in movie making history: Season Pass. "Season Pass," you say? Yes. A fucking season pass. When a movie is created with the intention of becoming a series (especially a single movie based on the shortest book in the series which magically turns into three fucking movies), then you should be allowed to buy a season pass. A special program that will allow you to view all future sequels, prequels, and/or remakes in the future at a discounted rate.. Like a loyalty program. Star Wars Episode IX is coming out in 2019? Thank God I bought that season pass in 1977 for 34 cents! Now I get to see Episode IX for just under $50! The savings could be endless! They could call it something like Wallet Raper!
Although, Wallet Raper brings about horrifying images.
But I digress..
Okay, An Unexpected Journey starts right where Return of the King's sixteen endings left us: Asking the question, "When is this going to end?!" Also: "The Hobbit?! When? Penguin grenades!!!" The answer? Now. Kind of. The first third, now. The second third next year.. And then the third third in 2014. Crazy, right? I mean, even Smaug is like, "Man, I'm a dragon, and waiting three years for a movie to end is ri-drag-ulous!" Because dragons talk like that. Dragons are assholes.
..with their sunglasses and backwards hats. More like Bro-gons. Douchebags.
Well, far to the East, over ranges and rivers, past four arrows with nonsense lettering, at the end of a running river called.. The Running River.. Underneath a drawing of a massive red dragon, lies a single, solitary peak.. A lonely mountain, if you will.. Called: The Lonely Mountain. Don't feel too bad for the mountain, though, it wasn't always called that. It wasn't always so lonely.. Until very recently, it was called Steve..
But then that bitch, Sheila, broke his heart!
Fucking Sheila. Sorry.. Back on topic: It was once the home of many dwarves. Thirteen of these dwarves (none of them dated Sheila, thank God), led by Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage), have come to Bilbo Baggins' cozy little hill house at the behest of one Gandalf the Grey-an McKellen of the clan McKellen (Who had a sister named Sheila, but not the one from before, so I digress yet again). This colorful lot are in dire need of help in order to steer clear of the unfortunate numbering of their merry gathering, so they ask Gandalf to assist them in finding a fourteenth member..
Because even in Middle Earth, thirteen is an unlucky number.
Secretly hoping Gandalf will be that member, no doubt, the dwarves jump through whatever hoops the old wizard asks them to. However, Gandalf, not one to take a hint, shoves his dear, dear friend Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) under the metaphorical bus. (It has to be metaphorical because buses do not exist in Middle Earth.. But dammit, that would have made this journey about 634% easier.) Also, Bilbo isn't actually one of Gandalf's dear, dear friends.. Bilbo’s just some guy who belongs to a race of people that Gandalf thinks are really good at stealing stuff.
Gandalf the Grey invented profiling. circa TA 2941.
The next morning (I assume), everyone is taken aback by a grand adventure! Bilbo, of course wakes up late (because, as everyone knows, hobbits are as good at being lazy as they are at stealing), grabs his contract, and speeds off after the group because he also enjoys trips that catch everyone unawares from out of left field.. (Get it? Unexpected Journey? I used a thesaurus extensively. You’re welcome for explaining this to you.)
Speaking of.. Watch out for The Asylum's next big Mockbuster!
In the books, Gandalf has a tendency to fuck off at random times.. Apparently, one of those times is to go have a gabfest with Galadriel, the Queen of Scary-As-All-Fuck. These two Chatty Cathys yammer on about their feelings and how Gandalf is all, "Bilbo Baggins is my rock." and "I hate Mondays." Of course, maybe he is a rock because they intercut that convo with Bilbo fighting a goblin in mortal combat, as well as facing down some dick trolls..
Well, not "dick trolls".. But trolls who are dicks. Dick trolls sound awful.
Then Agent Smith shows up and tells Mister Anderson that entering the mountain is probably a terrible idea.. Like skydiving naked, or dick fighting Shelob, or eating year-old lembas.. Ew, gross. (By the way, I'm convinced that Hugo Weaving is always Agent Smith and he constantly thinks that everyone around him is Mister Anderson.) Oh and they pretty much hint that Lord Voldemort is poisoning hedgehogs. (By the way, I'm convinced that Sauron is always Lord Voldemort and that Voldemort constantly hates hedgehogs.)
Granted, he hates pretty much anything with a nose.. Or anyone named Harry. He hates pretty much everything. He's not a happy guy.
Right after that bit of subtle innuendo about the "dark power" finding a way back into the world like Samwise Gamgee finding his way into a pie eating contest, we get the scene that everyone has been waiting for!!! David versus Goliath. Ali versus Frazier. Bane versus Batman. Bambi versus Godzilla! Gollum matches wits with Bilbo. FIGHT! Loser gets eaten whole! ..Okay, admittedly, Bilbo gets a slightly less cannibal-ly win condition. But. silly Gollum.. You're never going to swallow the Baggins whole!
Uhmm.. Ooor.. Maybe you will.. (Check out that blend job.. Academy Award-worthy, no? You're jealous.)
Then the dwarves are shown throwing down with literally everyone in Middle Earth: Trolls, Wargs, Goblins, The elements, gravity, Type 2 Diabetes.. They don't give a fuck!
In the war on diabetes, dwarves use a well-balanced diet to control their blood sugar. Also, hammers.
What the story of Bilbo Baggins taught me as a child was: If home is behind you and the rest of the world is ahead, there's only one thing really left to do.. Steal a magic ring from a malnourished, psychotic, cannibalistic hobbit, bumble into a dragon's keep, piss off the dragon, get it killed, completely dodge the draft when a bunch of armies are getting ready to have it out for absolutely no reason, then hide my magical ring for decades so that my dumb nephew has to deal with the consequences of my actions. It's a lesson that I feel everyone can relate to. On second thought.. Bilbo Baggins is kind of the shittiest uncle in the world!
Actually, on third thought.. This dude would be the tits at parties!
Some would argue that this is nine years in the making. Others would say thirty five. Some would say seventy five years! And yet, still others would say, "Why in the Hell are you making this?! Stop it! Just. Please. Stop." I'm more in the, "I'm so glad you're making this! I can't wait! Fuck yeah!" group. I am a little peeved about the money raking trilogy that it has become, though. Unfortunately, it seems pretty damn unnecessary when you consider how much money they've shelled out over the last nine years with lawsuits and strikes.. Not to mention all the money they probably dropped to include Fredegar Chubb.. It only makes sense. So, despite being cranked out into a trilogy (again, for NO reason), I'm actually more excited about this than Tom Bombadil would be to actually get lines on film!
Who is Tom Bombadil, you ask? Exactly. Kind of looks like a homeless Paul F. Tompkins.
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