The pReview Re-viewing
(extremely late edition)
Friday Breakdown for
November 21, 2012!
(warning: Overdosing on trytophan can lead to the Itis. Overdosing on the Itis can lead to.. zzzzzzzzz...)
Click the movie posters to open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by: Jeff Finck
Ah, Thanksgiving week: The week when movies come out two days early, so all of those people who are spending the holidays with family, don't actually have to spend the holidays with their family. The week when the President of the United States pardons a turkey, only to have millions of Americans slaughter 45 million others.. Thus giving it survivor's guilt, which then leads, of course, to the documentary Thankskilling. Do yourself a favor by the way, and NEVER watch Thankskilling. Well, unless you want to see the bastard son of Jack Frost and the The Gingerdead Man.. On second thought.. DO do yourself a favor and watch Thankskilling. Sixteen times in a row. With Spanish subtitles.
So, like I said, all of the movies released this week, so far, have actually already been released. I may be a day late and a dollar short, but that's not going to stop me from trying to tell you what I think you should think about all of the movies based entirely off of their trailers.. Even though the full movie has already come out! Take that, chronology! I'm so full of food right now, though, so, you know.. Wish me luck!
Four movies have sneakily been released this holiday season, just in time for this holiday season! And one of them is even about this holiday season! First up: Rise of the Guardians. Rise, you may know, is about a group of extraordinary beings, assembled together in a rag tag group of heroes, seeking to avenge the planet as an evil force plagues humanity. If history has any say about the plot of this movie, this will make 623 million dollars at the box office. Next up: Life of Pi. If you've never read the book, just know that this is the most beautiful fable about cannibalism since An Ass Eating Thistles. Also coming out this week, Red Dawn! Red Dawn, of course, is a North Korean propaganda film about the evils of going to high school in the Pacific Northwest. And lastly: Hitchcock. Not to be confused with..
Rise of the Guardians
When Jude Law (voiced by the Boogeyman, and totally not the other way around) threatens the sanctity of child sanity, figments of everyone's imagination spring to life and rally together to put Jude Law back in his place. That's not too far from the real plot, actually.. It is Jude Law, but he voices the Boogeyman (named Pitch), the nightmarish creature trying to destroy youthful innocence around the world. Santa Claus (voiced by Alec Baldwin), the Easter Bunny (voiced by Hugh Jackman), the Tooth Fairy (voiced by Isla Fisher), the Sandman (voiced by no one.. Because who could?), and Jack Frost (voiced by Chris Pine) all team up to take this sucker down. With their combined efforts, they creep across the land, killing first born man.. I mean righting wrongs and accidentally exploding every child's brain on Earth.. Because that's what would happen if childhood fictional beings ever manifested themselves into the world and saved the planet.
Life of Pi
Played by Irrfan Khan, Suraj Sharma, Ayush Tandon, and Gautam Belur, Pi was born Piscine Molitor Patel because his parents are massive fans of French pools swam in by Johnny Weismuller.. He changed it, however, to Pi because his parents apparently didn't give a shit about their son being ridiculed by children who don't know the difference between fish related French words and the act of vulgar urination. The story (based on Yann Martel's 2001 novel of the same name) follows Pi after his family (who owns a zoo, by the way.. Take that, Matt Damon!) is forced to sell their animals to Canada (all of Canada, I assume). On his journey to Canada, Poseidon throws a tantrum and ruins everything by capsizing the freighter being used to transport everyone and everything that Pi loves. He then has to hand-deliver every animal in his family's zoo, one at a time, starting with a massive Bengal Tiger.
Just in case you weren't alive in 1984, let me break it down for you: The United States hated Russia. That's it. Oh, and stone wash jeans were a pretty big thing. There may have been a bit more to it than that, but it didn't matter much after John Milius showed us all that a bunch of punk teenagers could be powerful enough to shove the old hammer and sickle back down Konstantin Chernenko's throat. Now (technically Wednesday), exactly 28 years, 3 months, and 11 days later (or 14,875,200 minutes later.. If you're an asshole), the remake is coming out (came out). All of the names have stayed the same, but the invading force has been changed to protect the innocent. Director Dan Bradley will try to shove whatever North Korea is known for right up Kim Jong-un's emotionless hole.
Alfred Hopkins plays Anthony Hitchcock.. I mean Anthony Hitchkins plays Alfred Hopcock.. Wait. Hold on. Anthony Hopkins plays Alfred Hitchcock (there we go!) in this biographical film-style "documentary" making of Psycho based on the book Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho written by Stephen Rebello. It follows the relationship between Hitchcock and his wife Alma (Helen Mirren) and their adopted son, Ed Gein while they try to finish his classic film, Psycho.
Final Breakdown: (In this week's Final Breakdown.. Turkey Ratings based on my relative interest!)
Rise of the Guardians: 33 million turkeys out of 45 million! (Which leaves the 12 million days of Christmas!)
Life of Pi: 3.14 million turkeys out of 45 million!
Red Dawn: 30-ish million communist turkeys for everyone!
Hitchcock: 25 million turkeys pecked apart by 6 million cannibalistic birds.