The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
highly recommended to check out the trailer and then read!
(warning: Contains profanity. Does NOT contain nuts.. or tricks. Only treats. And your mom.)
by: Jeff Finck
written: October 31, 2011
The premise: On Halloween night, a young boy by the name of Michael Myers, allegedly murders his older sister.. fast forward 15 years and he tries the same thing again, except with a William Shatner mask.
We open on a house. It could be any house in the country. Every-house USA, if you will. It could even be YOUR house.. if your house is a 2 story American Foursquare in the middle of Illinois. Through the eye holes of a mask, we witness the alleged brutal stabbing of someone not important enough to be shown. The camera takes us on a trip down the stairs and into the front yard of the house, where a car pulls up. Two people get out, and in a completely under-reactive way, pull the mask from what we now realize is a child, and say, "Michael." ..not a question.. not an exclamation.. not flabbergasted.. not in a foreign language.. not even under their breath! The boy, with a spotless knife, looks as if he just got caught stealing a cookie on the set of Leave it to Beaver. Clearly, not the face of a murderer. This scene makes me think that Michael's parents are terrible, terrible people, causing their child to think he committed a crime when he is obviously innocent! A victim of the TRICK, and denied the sweet, sweet TREAT promised by the popular Halloween phrase. His penance? Psychiatric care for 15 years! This is all perpetrated by his parents, his sister, his friends, and Evil Doctor Loomis.
Then, the evil doctor brags about how he tortured young Michael for 8 years, and then sent him into isolation for another 7. What a prick! Michael, now a grown man, escapes! He commandeers a nurse's ride from what I assume is called the Whacky Tortureville Asylum, and then comes home to teach his family a lesson in both Tricks AND Treats.
Three young ladies are walking through the street, gabbing about boys, girl scout cookies, hairspray, and whatever the devil else girls talk about. But they all stop! What are they looking at? THE HALLOWEEN TITLE SCREEN!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! ..actually, the title screen is very unassuming. It's just a traditionally carved pumpkin with the word "HALLOWEEN" in pointy letters, lazily lying next to it. So, the fact that these girls look freaked out at all, implies that they may be illiterate and don't know what those crazy symbols mean. Ahhhh, public school.
Later that night, a quiet room opens up to an unecessarily tall ghost wearing glasses. I'm not sure what school that ghost went to, but I am pretty sure he got in under a basketball scholarship. He proceeds to just stand in the doorway until the director takes us to a different doorway.. this time the door is closed. Well, Michael won't stand for that, so he does what any normal kid who has been betrayed by everyone in his life would do: he punches it the hell in! Elsewhere in the house, Jamie Lee Curtis finds her friend dead in a bed (hah! rhymes..) with her mother's grave stone at the head of the bed by her dead friend in the bed. (haha!! MORE rhymes!) The house is full of surprises like that one, tonight: The next scene takes place in the kitchen, where apparently no one can be bothered to turn on any lights, and an unwitting gentleman haphazardly scans the refrigerator. Finding nothing of interest, he turns around and eats a butcher knife.
Then Jamie Lee Curtis is upset again. We find out, immediately, that Michael Myers (now sporting the Shatner mask) is stalking her.. okay, so it's understandable, now, why she's upset: her family's past indiscretions are coming back to haunt her. Michael, having been tortured for 5 years shy of a Score, is now all hellbent on tricking everyone.. out of their lives! The perfect example for "If you're going to be blamed for something, you might as well do it!" He shoves JLC directly over the second floor banister and gives chase. Jamie's character, Laurie, takes the fall like a champ and gets up and sprints from the masked Michael. Running and screaming from the house, Laurie wakes up all her neighbors.. she doesn't? You'd think that all of that screaming would piss someone off.. but not in this neighborhood! Even the house where she actually runs up and bangs on the door (still screaming), doesn't answer her cries for help. They're all in vain, as Michael creeps ever closer to her.. just as the screen goes black, I assume he butchers her up against the side of the house with his cutlery and vengeance. Spoilers much, director so-and-so? Maybe don't give EVERYTHING away in the trailer.
Still, this movie looks scary as fuck! We should all be safe, just as long as no one ever has any siblings.. any history of mental illness in the family.. as long as you don't live in any small town anywhere.. as long as it's never Halloween where you are.. as long as you're not a babysitter.. and as long as you are immune to knife attacks. So, I assume that Sean Connery is safe. As long as Sean Connery lives, everything will be all right. I can't wait to check this out.. 1978 is going to be THE year for movies! Woooooooooohooooo!!!!!!!
Release Date: October 25, 1978