The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for..
August 31, 2012!
(warning: You.. May want to skip the first paragraph.. It's particularly silly this week.)
Click the movie posters to open their Official Sites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
Okay, the thing about turtles is.. I just don't trust the bastards. Scholars maintain that the mysteries of the turtle will never truly be solved. Questions plague the world, like: Do turtles have testicles? How many Hot Pockets can a turtle eat before its brain explodes? Why, in every turtle Glamour Shot, are turtles wearing feather boas? And, why is it universally accepted that Billy Bob Thornton is every turtle's favorite actor? The mystery surrounding nature's most cryptic beast gets all the stranger when you look at the 1968 study of the inside of a turtle's shell! Every turtle, a grand clockwork filled with science and hesitation! Long ago abandoned by their gypsy creators, the turtle has since populated hundreds of countries and begun its grand "silvening".. Silvening, of course, being its process of diverging, splitting, and creating more of itself each year. Like a carousel of volatile alchemy and artifice, the turtle continues to hunt its natural prey: liquor. It consumes 12 gallons an hour if given a plentiful source.. And then it takes its belligerent aggression out on its natural enemy: horses. It never discriminates on breeds of horse, either. And once on the hunt, this little mechanical menace is like a more competent, more Steampunk version of Boba Fett.. Trust me.
Right. Now that we're done talking about the screwed up wonders of turtles and their reckless existence, let's get down to brass tacks.. Tax? Tacs? Tic Tacs? Brass Tic Tacs would be horrible! Uhmm.. Right! Sorry! Back on track. The only real movie coming out in any particular wide release is that movie where The Comedian gets stabbed in the hand by his daughter in The Possession. One movie actually already came out on the 29th in limited release.. And will subsequently be released on video/On Demand in the coming weeks, no doubt: The Day is about five kids running around a Fallout-Meets-Alamo situation dressed only in their clothes and weapons. The other four movies set to hit select theaters tomorrow (and again, more than likely video in the coming weeks) are: For a Good Time, Call... is about two hot girls talking to Seth Rogen while he jerks off. The Tall Man stars Jessica Biel and, despite NOT being a reboot for Phantasm, looks creepy as balls.. Maybe. Speaking of creepy, Orlando Bloom breaks his normal hot guy roles and stars as a doctor that.. Kind of looks like he was home schooled in The Good Doctor. And lastly, Jet Li beats up eunuchs in the extremely epic sounding, The Flying Swords of Dragon Gate.
In what critics will probably call, "Already done." And, what one critic actually said, calling upon the retributive forces of restlessness and anger: "The evil spirit in "The Possession" should be embarrassed to call itself a demon." The Possession, however, takes a slightly different approach to the normal Christian-trodden subject of movie.. Uhmm.. You know, possession. The story focuses on a little girl trapped in a loveless family full of divorced parents and demonic boxes. The box in question is actually based on a real thing: The Dybbuk box. The story behind the thing is pretty whacky. It's a tale as old as time.. If time were 73 years old. Also, it is a lesson in owning things attached to Polish Holocaust survivors. A serious lesson. And that lesson is: Don't. Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Stephanie (Kyra Sedgwick) are in the midst of a divorce, but their little daughter, Em (Natasha Calis), is the real victim. In order to lift her spirits, her dad does what any father would do in his situation: Buys her a haunted as balls Holocaust wine cabinet covered in malevolence. This gets Em all possessed so he doesn't have to listen to her whining about mommy's new boyfriend.. Or how mom got her an iPhone, and how she's so much cooler than he is! As the possession gets crazier and more fork-hand stabby, the estranged parents join forces with absolutely everyone who will take them seriously and try to help their daughter get un-possessed. 17 years later, we will probably see:
The WWE has released a plethora of movies.. And this is one of them. (I bet you didn't think I was going to start off with that sentence, did you?) They usually* (read: *Every time.) drop some random wrestler into a typical action plot (Though, sometimes.. A family movie plot) and then explode some things to keep the youth of tomorrow and 1990s happy. This go-round (and actually released on August 29), they actually dropped their wrestler-as-the-star formula and go for an extremely stylized, kooky look at a post-apocalyptic future where five delightful actors are cast as five delightful survivors searching for refuge after a long day of.. Searching for refuge, I imagine. As an unknown enemy descends on the house that the group has claimed for a night's respite, the group must defend themselves in what all of the websites are calling their "last stand".. This probably means that most of them probably die. But it isn't about the results, but the journey you take to get there.. Over 24 hours.. With an array of DIY weapons.. And a desperation for survival. Like Fallout and Red Dawn.. But probably more like Zardoz, hopefully!
For a Good Time, Call...
If you know me, you probably only know this one thing: I am a big fan of Ari Graynor. There's a chance that not one person knows that about me, actually.. Regardless! (Actually, go and watch the movie Lucky and tell me you're not a fan.) In this flick, though, she stars along-side Lauren Miller.. Miller, you may remember is also due for some lead-status type roles after being thrown in the background of her husband's (Seth Rogen) movies for four straight years: Superbad, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Observe and Report, and 50/50. The premise here is pretty simple.. It's basically the Odd Couple, right? Except updated and full of fantastically funny people (Not to say Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon aren't fantastically funny): Ari Graynor, Justin Long, Seth Rogen, Mimi Rogers, Nia Vardalos. This Odd Couple, however, asks the world: "What would it be like if they started a phone sex line?" And who wouldn't want to see what that would look like!?
The Tall Man
In Cold Rock, someone is abducting chil'rens. Everyone claims that the perpetrator is a male and between the height of 6'0 and Godzilla. This "tall" guy is a real dick about the whole thing, too. He doesn't leave any clues and never gives them back. Adjective Noun city nurse (Actually, Cold Rock City Nurse is the name of my band, now), Julia (Jessica Biel) is skeptical of the whole affair.. That is, until the short-challenged rake decides to make her a believer by snatching her child! And then.. Horror.. Ensues? The Tall Man is being promoted as a thriller bordering on horror, but I keep reading reviews that the tone changes about halfway through to a more Lifetime Channel friendly vibe.
The Good Doctor
Orlando Bloom plays Dr. Martin Blake. The movie follows the trials and tribulations of his residency at a good old Southern Cali hospital. Southern California, of course, is known for its major baseball team: The Los Angeles Doctors.. And we all know, they pull its stock from most Southern California medical facilities. Well, Dr. Blake dodges the draft and ends up falling in love-fatuation with a patient of his. He's such a good doctor, that he ends up making her feel better! Well.. He ain't havin' that. So he decides to make her sick again so he can see her more! Because, as a doctor, you just don't get enough time outside of the hospital for social interactions like dating, or marriage, or stalking.. As people start unraveling his twisted game of love and other drugs, his world begins to cave in around him. This looks like a movie that really digs into that classic idiom: If you love something, heal it. And if it wasn’t meant to be, you probably medically induced its death using lunacy and sociopathic tendencies.
The Flying Swords of Dragon Gate
The trailer for this has a Mummy-ish feel to it.. With the exceptions being that there are no mummies in this AND Brendan Fraser looks a whole lot like Jet Li. This is actually a sequel/re-imagining of the 1992 Donnie Yen flick, New Dragon Gate Inn (Which, in turn was a remake of a 1967 wuxia film called Dragon Inn). Taking place a bit after the original, and adding about 600 more descriptors to the title, the original inn has been taken over by a bunch of marauders who hope to uncover the secrets long buried beneath the inn. Legend says.. Well, a lot of things.. Legend likes to talk its fucking head off if you let it.. But I digress. Legend says that every 60 years, a massive storm reveals the location of an ancient city full of treasure on the very site the inn resides. As luck would have it, it's the same day that a pregnant lady shows up with a psychotic and powerful eunuch, as well as Jet Li.. And a bunch of gravity defying cutlery! What are the odds?
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown will be related to you by how much each movie will get you laid. Gender neutral.)
The Possession: Just.. No.
The Day: Probably.. It depends on how much survival situations moisten those panties. Or boxers.. Or tighty whiteys. Or, in some cases, pants. Just.. You know.. no underwear at all. Use subtle glances to check for wet spots on front of jeans/skirt. And in the case of no bottom clothing, whatsoever.. You’re probably fine.
For a Good Time, Call...: This movie is going to get you sex.
The Tall Man: This movie will NOT get you sex.
The Good Doctor: If this movie gets you sex and you haven't seen any red flags in your relationship yet.. Fucking run!
The Flying Swords of Dragon Gate: Martial Arts movies are a known aphrodisiac. It's like Spanish Fly.. Except Chinese Fly.. Flying swords.. Chinese Flying Swords is what I will call the Chinese version of Spanish Fly. Seriously, though.. You're totally in. Unless you're a eunuch. Then you probably don't care.