The pReview Re-viewing
Appe-Teasers for
April 27, 2012!
(warning: Contains profanity.. Also, yeast, flour, water, sugar, salt, and oil,
kneaded together, baked and then lightly browned in a machine called a toaster.)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
written: 4/25/2012
Does anyone realize how fucking delicious toast is? And not just regular old, shitty, fucking plain as Mitt Romney's existence, toast.. But ALL kinds of toast. Think about it: You can butter toast, put jelly on toast.. I sometimes make toast, put peanut butter and jelly on that shit, and then make a peanut butter and jelly toast sandwich. Which explodes my balls out of my knee caps every time, because of how amazing it is. There's French toast, Texas toast, Melba toast, milk toast, Alba toast, cinnamon toast.. Garlic cheese bread, which is just garlic and cheese on fucking toast, and it's delicious. I guess my point is that there are a lot of movies coming out this week.. And toast is delicious.
This is almost enough to put you off toast, but then you realize you can rid the world of Hitler again by EATING TOAST!
So, you might be asking yourself, "What’s coming out this weekend?!" What a terribly unnecessary question to ask yourself while reading my blog, knowing full well that I’m going to have some kind of answer. Here goes: Michael Stipe's stuntman beats the hell out of people while protecting an Asian girl version of Rain Man. John Cusack turns Edgar Allan Poe into an action star, trying to rid the world of its perception that Edgar Allan Poe, uhmm, isn't an action star. Jason Segel keeps working his way through, romancing attractive actresses on film: Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, Amy Adams, Alyson Hannigan, Emily Blunt.. And.. Uhmm.. Emily Blunt, again. The people behind Chicken Run bring to life (as alive as clay can get, and not be called Clayface) a children's book about pirates, called Pirates! It stars a bunch of nameless pirates all designated by their positions as pirates. And finally, a giant mechanical man, who is portrayed by a human, stars in a movie called Giant Mechanical Man.. And he teaches Jenna Fischer about life and love.. And robot balls.
Many a street performer has taught ME the subtleties of life and love.. And robot balls!
Safe
And by "code", we mean "everyone's testicles."
If Jason Statham does one thing well, it is crackin' skulls. He's kind of like Principal Vernon from The Breakfast Club, except he doesn't give second chances. Or even first chances! He kicks all of the chances in their balls and then eats his breakfast. Safe is about Jason Statham, liberally abusing bad guys with his outstretched anger and hostility, all while protecting Mei, a young girl who may hold the key to some nefarious bad guy scheme.. Or code to some nefarious bad guy lock.. Or.. Some.. Third thing. Click this image of Jason Statham wrecking Godzilla's day, to view my full review of the trailer!
Oh, he'd do it, too!
The Raven
Why did they not just call this movie, 'Poe'?
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
John Cusack showed up, solving murders in the 19th Century.
Armed with wit and a full, yet stylish, goatee,
He will hopefully bring Poe to life, for Poe is Poe, and so is he.
The story follows Edgar Allan Poe around Baltimore,
as he tries to help solve murders from his stories.
The trailers claim tons of action is in store,
and suspenseful allegories.
-JF
Terrible poetry aside, I hope all of the action and suspense wasn’t spoiled by the trailer. I guess I’d still be okay with it, though, mostly because John Cusack could act out the Book of Numbers from the Bible and I'd still fucking love it. This just makes me think that we need a whole slew of these darker takes on literary icons. Kind of like when Doctor Who did Agatha Christie and William Shakespeare. I expect that in the future, we could see something like Nathaniel Hawthorne vs witches, or Emily Dickinson solving a string of suicides. Harriet Beecher Stowe could fight the Attack of the 50 Foot Uncle Tom. HP Lovecraft could finally try to tackle the elder gods!
H.P. Lovecraft is finally sick of Cthulhu's shit.
The Five-Year Engagement
I hear eating the wedding cake is bad luck before marriage.
From the producers of Bridesmaids, comes another wacky look at the marriage process. Unlike the sink-shitting shenanigans from Bridesmaids, however, The Five-Year Engagement looks to bring us even more unique ways of.. Sink.. Shitting. (I hope) The movie follows Jason Segel and Emily Blunt on their misadventures through engagement.. For five years. (Just in case you didn't read the title, like, AT all.) It also takes us on the ups and downs of compromising in marriage and the chicanery of all the side characters that come along with a lengthy engagement. Side characters include Chris Pratt (Parks and Recreation) and Alison Brie (Community), stand-up comedians Kevin Hart and Brian Posehn, Chris Parnell (SNL), Mindy Kaling (The Office), as well as Rhys Ifans. And if you don't know who Rhys Ifans is.. Holy damn, Google him right now and then go watch his entire filmography 36 times in a row! This movie should prove to cheer us up on those days that, just kind of feel like a bunny day.
If I had this suit, bunny days would tunr into fucking weeks!
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Is his parrot a dodo? These guys really ARE out of control!
I like when movies hit the States that originate in other countries, and American audiences-- Sorry.. 'Mur-ican audiences-- either can't grasp, or would be loath to use, original titles of things. Like Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone magically changed to the Sorceror's Stone, on its journey to the U.S. This one was supposed to be called The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists. The Pirate Captain (voiced by Hugh Grant), must battle his nemeses Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven) and Cutlass Liz (Salma Hayek), along with Queen Victoria, sea monsters, general hygiene, and I assume, as the original title suggests, science! In what should prove to be a non-stop, stop-motion adventure on the high seas and in our hearts, this delightful movie looks quite clever and well written. Put together by the geniuses behind Wallace and Gromit, and based on the book series, Pirates!, this animated spectacle should prove to be more fun than making out with this fella:
And you KNOW that shit would be super fun!
The Giant Mechanical Man
Go-Go, Gadget Rom-Com!
In what proves to be one of the most misleading titles of the year, The Giant Mechanical Man is a romantic comedy starring Jenna Fischer as Janice. Down on her luck, out of work, separated from Jim, and living with her sister (Malin Akerman), Janice settles on a job working concessions at the zoo. While working there, she apparently falls in love with one of the transformers. The tall, skinny, silver one.. That looks kind of like a guy in silver make-up, actually. Hold up, I'm starting to think she falls in love with a guy pretending to be a giant mechanical man. What an asshole! I guess guys have done weirder things to get girls to fall in love with them, though.. Like constructing a 2 foot tall Bob the Builder 3D card to say Happy Birthday! Or finding a way to have her complete her life long dream to meet and play with penguins.. Or:
I may or may not have done 1, 2 or all of those things. Spoiler alert: All of them.
Final Verdict: (As told by the made up minds of similar movies!)
Safe:
Mercury Rising says: "He's just as bald, and three times as mean. I'll take it this one to the bank, crack the code, open the safe, then take it to another, different, off-shore bank! Nice!"
The Raven:
From Hell says: "Finally! A fictional account of historic figures!
ahem HugoTheBorgiasSpartacus300TheTudorsKingArthurAlexanderTitanicHerculesBraveheart ahem."
The Five-Year Engagement:
Lady and the Tramp says: "Woof woof, woof ruff, bark! Yip yip yap yip.. woof.. yip." (translation: "At 2 hours long, let's hope this doesn't seem like it lasts for five ACTUAL years! If not, it might be.. woof.. it.")
Pirates! Band of Msifits:
Pirates of the Caribbean says: "REAL British accents? Ghost pirates? Characters made out of clay?! That'll never work, mate. Who am I kiddin’? I can’t wait t’ be seein’ this!"
The Giant Mechanical Man:
Jaws: The Revenge says: (in posh British accent) "How darling. A quirky indie romantic comedy. Do they make DVD players that work under water yet?"
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