pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers for Feb 17th!

The pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers for
February 17, 2012

(warning: Contains profanity.  Also, one ill-advised usage of the movie poster for Cool as Ice!..)
(warning warning: Clicking SOME of the images WILL lead you to madness!)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window


by Jeff Finck
written 2/15/2012

    Shmello, everyone!  I hope you've been enjoying my ranting and ramblings.  This week, I had a fun time reading through back issues of MAD Magazine for like 2 hours for a single joke.  I got to FINALLY see Get in the Cage with Nicolas Cage and NICOLAS CAGE!  I made an Ice collage for you, and also, Hayao Miyazaki captures the hearts of girls aged 12 through.. what are these Totoro fans, now?  30?  Yup.. Four movies, all ripe for your eyes and stomachs.. and that part of your brain that makes you criticize things harshly.. but fairly.  Here we go!

Hey.. Do you see that big fleshy part? Numbered 1-22? That's the judgmental part of MY brain.

Ghost Rider

I can't wait to NEVER see this in 3D!

    The surge of comic book movies must be coming to an end.. There is now a sequel to Ghost Rider.  I thought they killed it when Elektra got her spin-off movie.  I thought it was gutted and hemorrhaging when Catwoman was green lit.  Yet, somehow, these movies still manage to hop along.  Don't get me wrong, there are still about a dozen movies that make enough money to keep this niche afloat.. but I was pretty sure that the first Ghost Rider wasn't one of them.  And so it went, I wandered into the trailer for this KNOWING this was going to be terrible.  What I walked away with was.. Well, I have a feeling I am actually going to like this unlikely sequel!  I said it.. I can't take it back now.  It's like Get in the Cage with Nicolas Cage with guest Nicolas Cage says, "It has 2 key qualities for a classic Nic Cage action film: Number one, all the dialogue is either whispered or screamed.  And, of course, Number two, everything in the movie is on fire."  Plus, David S. Goyer wrote the story for it.. and if you are unfamiliar with this guy's story telling prowess, go watch Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, or the Puppet Masters.. No.. That's a bad start.. I meant, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys and Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys.. No.. Wait.. I feel like I'm missing some big ones this guy has written.. Oh yeah!  the Blade Trilogy, Dark City, Jumper, Batman Begins, Dark Knight, the Dark Knight Rises, and the video game Call of Duty: Black Ops.  The man, apparently developed some skillz after 1997.

Just Cage bein' Cage. That's all.

This Means War

Cap'n Kirk versus Bane? Pretty sure Bane would lock that up.

    It's that movie time again.. That time where movies trick guys into watching them with the veiled illusion of being an action movie, but possesses the undertones of the stereotypical "chick flick".  This one stars current "It" boys (I swear, I will never use that term again in my life), Christopher Whitelaw Pine and Edward Thomas Hardy.  The geek in me knows what kind of crazy, whacked out, sci-fi balls this is because Chris Pine plays current Captain of the Enterprise, James T. Kirk.  While, Tom Hardy was once a cloned Captain called, Praetor Shinzon, of Star Trek: Nemesis.. fame?  Seriously, though, this kind of looks like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, except that the spies are two guys. (Mister and.. Mister Smith?)  They fight over Reese Witherspoon, who shows up as the most unlucky girl in the world because she's the ONLY person who has ever and will ever (fictional or not) meet two CIA agents, seduce them, and then get them to fight over her.. waitaminnut!  I figured the plot out!

She'll be a spy, TOO!

Thin Ice

Hahahah, "Have an ICE day"! Man alive! That's some good punnin'.

    Greg Kinnear plays a down-on-his-luck insurance salesman who tries to con a senile Alan Arkin out of his $25,000 violin.  In the trailer, he doesn't so much "con" him out of it, as he convinces Billy Crudup to assist him in stealing it.  And then Billy Crudup turns out to be the living embodiment of a sick love child formed from Jim Carrey from the Cable Guy and Vince Vaughn from Clay Pigeons-- In other words: one delusional powder keg full of crazy and insomnia.  The movie, will of course, spiral further out of control, leaving one or all of the main cast dead in some fun, yet hard to watch, kind of way.  Greg Kinnear and Alan Arkin are always awesome.. and I don't think I've found Billy Crudup this entertaining since Jesus' Son or Almost Famous.  This movie will NOT have a happy ending.  Actually, I can't think of a single movie that has a happy ending with the word "Ice" in the title..

If I have to tell you the end of Ice Age, you should really learn some world history.

The Secret World of Arrietty

Y'know.. the anamgram of Arrietty is Tertiary.. and you know what THAT means.. Yup.

    Think of it like a cross between Thumbelina and the mice from Cinderella, but without all that "indentured servitude".. or being born in a flower.  This story is based on the Borrowers, which is a series of novels from 1952 written by Mary Norton.  The Borrowers are a people who live in the walls of your house, apartment, or living establishment.. and they straight up gank everything you have.  All of the time.  They justify it because they steal little things that THEY think you won't miss.  So, these freeloaders run amok in your pad, steal shit, and live the good life in the insulated cushiness of your hard earned homestead.  They aren't really "borrowing", now, are they?  More like "squatting with intent to.. squat some more."  This has been the basis of a 1973 adaptation, a 1992 miniseries, a 1997 movie, and even a 2011 TV movie.. so, why not this Japanese animated adaptation? (Which, by the way, was made waaaaay back in Twenty ot Ten.. stupid U.S. getting foreign movies YEARS later!)  The trailer shows us the story of one such Borrower called Arrietty, and despite having entirely too many consonants in her name, she seems like a precocious young girl, full of wonder and in search of adventure!  On one such adventure with her father, she is seen by the young boy living in the house.  Oh no!  It'll all be fine, though.. he won't cause trouble, they'll fall in love and then Ariel the Mermaid will show up and teach her all of the dangers of living with humans.  It'll all be very emotional.  Kudos for keeping this animated and mostly hand drawn, though!  Otherwise it could end up looking like this:

Gaah!

Final Verdict: (in terms of Reservoir Dogs characters)


Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: Mr. Blonde.. Mostly because I am pretty sure Nic Cage would cut a cop's ear off while listening to Stuck in the Middle With You.

This Means War: Mr. Orange.. It's the undercover movie.. you don't know whether to like it or hate it.  But Tim Roth makes you think twice before dismissing him.  Even though, you'll end up gut shot by the end and spend 2 hours wanting to die.  Probably.  ..Probably not though.. see?

Thin Ice: Nice Guy Eddie.. The unassuming son of the guy in charge.  He sees everything through to the end.. and in a Mexican stand-off, blows.  You.  Away.  ..and then dies.

the Secret World of Arrietty: Mr. Pink.. You just never know with Miyazaki.  He makes those movies that come out.. disappear and then all of a sudden, you can hear them having a shootout in the parking lot.  Then they resurface years later full of fresh likability and a feeling of "never really left."  But you secretly hope he died.