The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
October 26, 2012!
(warning: Being square may or may not be hip. But cursing is the tits!)
Click the movie posters to open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
So, I assume everyone has seen the new Iron Man 3 trailer? Don't worry, I'll get to re-viewing that when it's a little closer to the release date. I really just wanted to address the elephant in the room.. The internet room? Ineter-room? Regardless.. Is anyone else a little skeeved out by the fact that someone saw Ben Kingsley and thought, "Yes!!!! This is our Genghis Khan-descended Chinese themed scientist-wizard! Yes!" I mean, that's like going: "You know who would make a great Greek martial arts wielding, killer assassin? Jennifer Garner!" "You know who does accents really well and nails being Catwoman? Halle Berry!" I mean, come on! You're better than that, Hollywood. I'll tell you what I would have been okay with, though.. Making Ben Kingsley a 32-foot tall, Chinese alien monster!
Speaking of Ben Kingsley: He's not in any of the movies coming out today! Instead, all of these movies star people like Sean Bean, Trinity from the Matrix, Tom Hanks, Terrible Catwoman, Gerard Butler, Aquaman, Sarah Palin, Chelsea Lately, Mini-Me in a Spider-Man costume, and Nickelodeon's VICTORiOUS.. Or iCarly.. I never know which is which. First up, Silent Hill: Revelation kicks us into the Halloween spirit by claiming to show us more of the town that Hell calls home. Which is weird.. Because you'd think that Hell would call Hell home. Or not. Maybe they have terrible house guests or something? In any case, continuing the Halloween vibe, Fun Size promises to be a gleeful experience of some undetermined dimensional shape. Also, The Fountain apparently got sexed up by Vanilla Sky, who then birthed Cloud Atlas.. And The Matrix's The Wachowskis filmed the whole damn thing like a couple of perverted weirdoes. Lastly, Chasing Mavericks.. The story of an older gentleman and his younger protégé.. And surfing.
Silent Hill: Revelation
In a nail-biting follow-up, with a plot straight out of a video game series.. (I'll let that one sink in) ..comes Silent Hill: Revelation. This time around, more revelations and less.. Keeping things to themselves. In the first one, Rose takes her daughter (Sharon) to Silent Hill because.. Well.. She doesn't believe in giving her children boundaries, apparently. So they traipse into the unknown-- Which ends up being a nightmarish world created by her cuckoo daughter (Then called Allessa) a long time ago after her soul split off into a demon/burn victim.. Or something. Six years later, Silent Hill calls Sharon again, only this time, she's Heather.. And her dad gets suckered into going on the road-trip. Probably Heather told him that mom said it was cool as long as he did. I could go on, but I made this picture.. And if you click it, you can read the full trailer review I did of Silent Hill: Revelation!
Holy '80s and '90s! ..And also, every other teen comedy from every other decade.. It's Like Adventures in Babysitting met Hocus Pocus in a dark closet and they made out, like, hardcore for seven minutes until a PG-13 version of Go! popped out.. And then inexplicably exploded all over an extremely surprised, extended Halloween episode of VICTORiOUS. But in a good way. Victoria Justice plays Wren.. Because her mom is Chelsea Handler, and Chelsea Handler is an alcoholic.. And alcoholics shouldn't be allowed to name children. Wren gets invited to a party by the cute guy she likes, but her mom steps in and forces her to watch her eccentric little brother all night. When Wren inevitably loses her bro-bro, she enlists the help of her best friend (Jane Levy) and two easily swayed dopes with a car to track him down. All the while, her little brother (Jackson Nicoll) is having a grand adventure with Fuzzy (Thomas Middleditch) in the name of love. And then Captain Chicken fucks a car.
This is based on the David Mitchell novel of the same name, and is the biggest budgeted indie movie of all time. David Mitchell, of course, one half of British comic geniuses Mitchell & Webb.. I mean.. David Mitchell, of course, being the notorious Bahamian murderer.. I mean.. David Mitchell, obviously being the author of four other books that people will now read the balls out of because the Wachowskis, Tom Tykwer, Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent, Hugo Weaving, Hugh Grant, Susan Sarandon, and Keith David are all involved in something he wrote. Cloud (I'm allowed to call it that because we used to go to high school together) follows six different tales spanning thousands of years (but not characters), all with the central theme being the human condition.. And possibly the Butterfly Effect, starring Doctor Who.
Following the adventures of Jay Moriarty (Jonny Weston) in his never-ending quest to confound and ultimately defeat his nemesis, Sherlock Holmes.. Chasing Mavericks is.. What? Jay Moriarty was a surfer guy who loved surfing for surf's sake? Like a Smurf without the M.. Jay Surfiarty surfed every surf like it was his last surf. In all surfiousness.. Er.. Seriousness (apologies).. The real life Jay Moriarty was a soul surfer who died in 2001 in what was believed to be a diving accident. This movie chronicles his humble beginnings, learning everything he could from Frosty Hesson (Gerard Butler). His ultimate goal was to prep for a life of endless summers and surfing alongside some of the greatest surfers known to man: Sarah Palin and John McCain. But since I already made that joke, here's that crazy picture of that wave shark that's crazy.. And also a picture!
Final Breakdown: In this week's Final Breakdown.. I scoured etsy to bring you the most affordable, most relevant costumes and accessories of 2012! (Click on images to view the readily available products on their very own etsy pages!)
Silent Hill: Revelation
Nothing says, "I've been to Hell and back!" like a nice, fresh pair of panties with a massive bloody hand print on them!
This is going to be a pretty funny movie..
I don't know if it'll be as hilarious as this funny orange tuxedo t-shirt that's been billed as "Funny", though.
Then you must not have an imagination or a pelvis!
It's a well-known fact that Mermaid Monster Fairies are always the first in line to watch these surf biographies.
And now, they can look stylish doing it!