The pReview Re-viewing of..
Evil Dead (2013)
CLICK ON THE TITLE TO VIEW THE REDBAND TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: No primitive screwheads allowed.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: April 5, 2013
Unless you've been living under an incredibly sheltered, Amish-colored rock for he past 32 years, The Evil Dead series is one of the greatest things to ever happen to the entire horror-comedy genre. Well, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness were.. The Evil Dead was the more serious, let's explore how fucked up staying in a cabin in the middle of nowhere can be. It was kind of like Zeppo Marx-- The runt of the litter. In that, it was a tinier, straighter, less chainsaw-handed version of Evil Dead II.
The Evil Dead-- the original-- is the story of a man.. Let's just call him Bruce Campbell. A man who suffers a horrific ordeal in the woods with his sister, his girlfriend, and two expendable chuckle heads no one will miss. Throughout the evening, everyone manages to get possessed by an evil, unseen spirit, and then a whcky series of events occur.. All involving a tape recording of a man reading a book bound in skin, littered with Latin phrases that he (for some reason) reads.. Out loud! (That's classic amateur hour, right there) Also featured? Axes, chainsaws, dismemberment, demonic possessions, and..
We open on a rainy, woodland day by a remote cabin in the woods.. I'd normally say, "Fuck that shit. Seriously, if you know a friend who claims they have a family cabin, the FIRST thing you ask them is if it's in the middle of the woods. And if it is, fuck them and their stupid ass, fucked up cabin. They are no longer your friend. Your new goal in life is to find a friend who owns a mansion made out of playgrounds and video games in the middle of fucking Sugar Heaven." But.. Maybe.. Maybe I'm being a bit too harsh. I mean, the last time we saw a cabin in the woods, Joss Whedon casually lifted our skirts and made us all feel warm and fuzzy.
As we head inside the cabin, things get a bit creepy.. and whispery. Our extremely unfortunate heroine (interestingly enough, trying to rid herself of a nasty drug habit. I say 'interesting' because I'm assuming she's trying to kick heroin.. In order for this joke to work about how similar heroin is to heroine), Mia (Jane Levy) tries to convince her brother David (Shiloh "Not Shiloh the Dog" Fernandez) that there was something in the woods.. And now it's in the cabin.. With them! And now that we establish that the situation is, like, the complete opposite of a Tommy James and the Shondells song, (Or, for the uninitiated, Tiffany) it's time to get down to brass tacks.
Intermittently spersed between all of the cabins and creepy, possibly possessed main characters, we have the asshole behind all of this chicanery: Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci). ERIC IS A BAD, BAD MAN! First off, this guy finds a book stitched together from human skin, then, when he opens the book, the first thing he reads is, "LEAVE THIS BOOK ALONE!" Ignoring that bullshit, I guess, he decides to read the evil Latin phrases loudly, I assume, into a desecrated Native American burial ground.. And, as we all know, reading Latin aloud is always a one way trip to Completely Fucked-ville. And, of course this guy fucks everything up! I mean, seriously.. He looks like me if I ever became a hippy vegan.
So, of course, a great evil is released onto the Earth and begins inhabiting these five random kids.. That totally have it coming, by the way. I mean, again, who the fuck-- In their right mind-- goes out into the middle of the woods, stays in a dilapidated cabin and reads Latin out loud?!?! I mean, who in all of th fuck-- Sorry. I digress. Like, I said, a great evil and all that.. So Mia gets all infect-osessed and starts fucking with everyone. Like hiding their toothbrushes and starting small fires in the living room, putting Lego pieces underfoot.. And.. Uhmm.. Shotgunning Cherry Kool-Aid directly into peoples' mouths.
Some people just don't appreciate a good mouth-to-mouth regurgitation, and so they literally chuck her into the cellar. And, while that would normally be the end of it in real life, this is Sam Raimi we're talking about here! (And, I guess Fede Alvarez.. But he's not known for much else other than destroying the capital of Uruguay) Regardless! It does not stop with mere possessions, either! In fact, we get some good old-fashioned Burying Someone Alive! Followed by Burning Someone Alive! The always popular, Cut Your Face Up With Broken Glass! And let's not forget the Fuck My Fucking Arm With an Electric Knife!
Now, even though this is directed by Fede Alvarez, it is totally produced by both Sam "I Invented The Evil Dead" Raimi AND Bruce "Ashley J 'Deadite Smasher' Williams" Campbell. Until I heard that, I was completely skeptical of the whole situation. I thought to myself (and to anyone who would listen.. Actually, I probably still need to make amends to some people), "WHY IN THE HOLY BALL-FUCK ARE THEY REMAKING THIS!? LEAVE IT ALONE! LEEEEAVE BRITNEY ALLLOOOOONE!!!" And then it turns out that this isn't a remake at all.. But a continuation and POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT:
No matter how this goes down, this movie is going to be fantastic and bloody and crazy and awesome and other adjectives that describe things! Oh, and I think Katy Perry makes a cameo: