The pReview Re-viewing
April 2013 Breakdown!
(warning: This may seem a bit rushed.. All speeling errors are intenchunal.)
by Jeff Finck
All right.. In the midst of the massacres, tragedies, explosions, and the government trying (AND SUCCEEDING) to sneak sneaky, invasive legislature past all of us.. I'm going to attempt to provide an aside for people to take a brief break from the crazy shit going on, rather than adding to the internet-driven, misinformation-spewing that I've seen on Twitter, Facebook, and.. Fuck.. Even "credible" news sources. Yes, I do realize that by posting those links, I did end up actually adding a bit to the Battle Royale of inanity on the net. But shut up. I was making a point.. Poorly. In any case, I'm going to attempt provide the much needed respite by getting caught up on all of the movies dropping and have been dropped in April! Screw it, right? I mean, who's to say that I'm not allowed to skip ahead and backwards and sideways and also into another dimension, only to be pulled through from the other side by my trusty traveling companions..
Anyway, like I said, I'm going to play with all of your minds and just cover every movie that's being/been released in this merry month of Avril Lavigne. We have a lot to cover, though, so I'll be brief.. ish: The new Evil Dead came out on the 5th! It's an updated remake/sequel that a lot of people probably don't realize is possessed by the money and tutelage of Sam Raimi AND Bruce Campbell (Tune in HERE for a full trailer reviewing!). Oh, and Jurassic Park 3D also came out.. I'm assuming because the T-Rex is in dire need of another paycheck due to his inability to capitalize on furthering his acting career..
On April 12th, audiences were treated to the latest Scary Movie installment, Scary Movie: Panties! Wait. Did I say "treated"? I meant "eye-raped"! Also on April 12th, we got a glimpse into the historical annals of, not only baseball history, but racial progression, in 42. It's a biopic that looks more like a highlight reel of Jackie Robinson (the first baseball player to shove the Baseball Color Line back into the 1887 St. Louis Browns' racist asses) and Branch Rickey (the man responsible for getting Jackie Robinson into the Major Leagues and, not to mention, one of the first old white men to tell black people to get ON his lawn.)
The only movie coming out on April 19th is Oblivion, starring Tom Cruise. At some point in Earth's history, an alien race that we call Scavs (because fuck their language.. And no one is allowed to just pick their own nickname) invade and give the Moon and most of the planet a good hard dicking.. And then leave.. Or stay.. I'm not sure. In any case, Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) is in charge of drone repair, and flying around in an awesome Pope-mobile jet, and playing imaginary football, dishing with Morgan Freeman, and generally just running around a lot.. And then, when the drones turn on innocent people, Jack is in charge of humanity.
On April 26th, you have a choice! You can either go see The Big Wedding or Pain & Gain. Pain & Gain is that one based on a true BRUTAL story of weightlifting, fitness addicts who run around dressed as Mark Wahlberg and Anthony Mackie on steroids, and Dwayne Johnson dressed as a guy made of hotdogs, trying to get rich quick by kidnapping a guy dressed as Tony Shalhoub. The Big Wedding, of course, is that one starring Robert De Niro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, Robin Williams, Katherine Heigl, Amanda Seyfried, amd Topher Grace all replacing the cast of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.. Except, it's an American wedding based on a big fat French wedding movie.
Well, that's April in a nutshell.. Tune in next Friday when I tell you all about May!