The pReview Re-viewing retRo
International Die Hard Day Re-viewing of..
Live Free or Die Hard
CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: I lied! The cowboy testicles are in this one! Also, cursing!)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: June 27, 2007
The premise: Smarmy bad guy and part time lady's man, Thomas Gabriel (played by smarmy AWESOME guy and full time lady's man, Timothy Olyphant) decides to help the United States along by basically gutting it, climbing inside of it like a taun-taun and then kicking his way out through its gaping mouth. He's a real humanitarian. When he hacks the FBI's Cyber Security Division, the FBI decides to try and track down everyone and anyone capable of such a blatant act of, I believe the technical term would be "Gigantic Balls." (Gigantic balls seems to be the running theme of this whole series, if you ask me.) The FBI is short staffed at the moment, though, due to Independence Day approaching. So, to round up all the suspects, they have to resort to using local law enforcement. Enter John McClane (Bruce Willis). He has to pick up Matthew Farrell (Justin Long), one of the hacker suspects, and escort him to Washington D.C. ASAFP. Along the way, McClane gets a crash course in 21st century terrorism. Wait.. Let me get this straight, first: He's gone from beat cop to three-peat savior of the world to errand boy? Why McClane isn't king of his own fucking island of supermodels by now, I have no idea.
Deep within the Nation's Capital, nefarious deeds, strange goings on and, I assume, Amber Lee Ettinger is running around, trying to collect hair for her Obama hair doll. Behind the scenes isn't all fun and fanatical, though, Thomas Gabriel has apparently done this great nation a favor, and he is looking to get a little "return the favor" action.. Unfortunately for him, this is America. And we repay favors by fucking you directly in the ass with drone strikes, bullets, and 100%, quality guaranteed, John McClanes.
All hell breaks loose when the key systems begin crashing all over the East coast. The FBI, the OST, the FAA, the FHWA, FRA, FTA, the OIG, the Oh Em Gee, M*A*S*H, C.H.U.D., C.H.U.D. II, the MiB, JFK, FDR, and, for good measure, Naughty by Nature's O.P.P. all start freaking out because this kind of collapse is totally unprecedented.. And this many acronyms haven't been so universally fucked! It turns out that our Mr. Gabriel is kind of the shit when it comes to techno terrorism.. And looking spectacular doing it. It's terrorism almost the likes of which have never been seen before ever! Ever!
When everything finally fails, John McClane takes over. As he's wont to do. Essentially, he's fucking got this. His first course of action is to escalate his old antics with some over the top, Whoomp There it Is kinda antics. Question: What would you, the average person, do if someone hanging out of the side of a helicopter with a fully automatic, high powered machine gun was shooting at you. Answer: Fucking RUN!!!!!! What does John McClane do? He throws a car at the helicopter. Seriously. He claims it was because he was out of bullets, but we all know that it is because his testicles were riding shotgun, holding down the gas pedal and he just. Couldn't. Help it.
Once a distorted, guitar heavy Ode to Joy kicks in, you know things are about to go completely mad. Continuing to go way beyond "the top", McClane launches people through windows with fire extinguishers, catapults fools with a combination of chain link fences and automobiles.. Auto-pulting, if you will.. He dabbles in parkour and big rig demolition derbies. He crashes vans through windows, scooping up hot Asian women (Maggie Q) like he's an perverted Katamari Damacy. And just when you think he can't get any more "through the roof", he catches a flying car with no hands, using two other cars driving at full speed. He's off the fucking chain! Then. Shit. Gets. Real. McClane gots a daughter?!
But I never would have expected her to grow up to look like this:
But I definitely expected her to grow up and look much more like this:
Well, our diabolical master of ceremonies kidnaps McClane's daughter to reel him in. Unfortunately for Gabriel, this only riles him in! I mean up.. Yeah.. He gets riled up! And you can bet your nipples that McClane is going to stomp bad guy entrails from Rutgers to the National Mall to get his daughter back. Sure enough, the rest of the trailer is rife with action and reeks of intensity and unadulterated luck. At one point, McClane fights a damn F-35B Lightning II.. And I assume he pulls its pants down and steals its lunch money.
The trailer ends on a more upbeat note. Kevin Smith, the slacker with nothing better to do, shows up to play Warlock, the hacker with nothing better to do. Warlock berates Farrell for bringing McClane to his "command center" (aka His mom's basement) and in turn is horribly shamed by McClane. (See above picture) I cannot wait to see this movie! I will say this for director Len Wiseman (Underworld, Underworld: Evolution): He certainly knows how to go all out on what some would call unnecessary action. I, however, am of the mindset that this movie will have just the right amount of action. Perhaps, even, not enough action! I hope that someday we will see an action movie that's 86 minutes long, has no plot, and is just shooting guns from start to finish! Fingers crossed!