Just gonna do a quick one.. Mainly because I'm planning full trailer reviews for Ender's Game, Thor: The Dark World, and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire! Keep coming back this month! ..please?
The pReview Re-viewing
Monthly Breakdown for..
November 2013!
(warning: Abe Vigoda may or may not have sponsored this month's Breakdown. Spoiler alert: He didn't.)
Clicking on titles will bring up the movies' Official Websites! Clicking on phrases brings up explanations for those phrases!
by Jeff Finck
written: October 30, 2013
Have you ever just stared at Abe Vigoda? Seriously, go Google Image search this guy. I'll wait. Actually, what the hell am I doing? Don't leave my page! Stay here.. I'll just go grab one for you:
Pictured: Abe Vigoda, Age 27.
Tell me this guy isn't going to live for fucking ever! Even in the inevitable Heat Death of the Universe, this motherfucker is still going to be hanging out, growing nose hair, waiting for a sequel to Good Burger, wearing scarves made out of velour bears he's skinned and killed (in that order), and terrifying the alien children that stumble upon the remnants of our existence. In all seriousness, though, Abe Vigoda will probably actually live for another two or three hundred years, going on and on and on about all the movies coming out this month (because, for the sake of this joke, this month was the greatest month for movies in Abe Vigoda's opinion).
Pictured: Abe Vigoda, Age 36.
Speaking of Abe Vigoda and his immortality: This month, we get to settle in for some serious doozies! ..and some serious snoozies. (Don't worry, I actually just killed myself for typing that.) ((Don't worry that don't worry, I resurrected myself using Abe Vigoda's magical Khan-like super blood.)) But really, on November 1st, we get to watch Harrison Ford and Sir Ben Kingsley try to get us to forget what a shitty person Orson Scott Card is by reminding us what a great writer he is in Ender's Game. We also get to keep piling on that old nostalgic feeling of having all of our older favorite actors being in every movie this year with another one where they shove four of them (Kevin Kline, Morgan Freeman, Robert DeNiro, and Michael Douglas) in a van and dump them entertainingly in Las Vegas in Last Vegas. Matthew McConaughey then takes a page out of Christian Bale's method acting book and hacksawed thirty pounds off of his well-oiled machine for his portrayal of real life AIDs patient, Ron Woodroof, in The Dallas Buyer's Club. And lastly, the goofballs over at the studio who produced Open Season 2 and 3 (and some other stuff, too..) try to get us to give a shit about turkeys in Free Birds..
But not in the cool, gritty, Shawkshank way.. Like they should.
On November 8th, Thor comes awkwardly storming back into Natalie Portman's life-- Still trying to figure out Earth things-- In Thor: The Dark World. On November 15th (aka Nobody's Favorite Movie Release Date This Month.. Except maybe Abe Vigoda's), we get a peek inside the lives of the characters from The Best Man with The Best Man Holiday.. You know, to capture that very specific audience of people stuck in 1999, sitting on the edge of their seat, still wondering what happens to everyone after the credits rolled in the original. Also coming out on the 15th: Nebraska. A movie, I assume, that came about when someone realized the Bruce Dern is still alive and wanted to see what it would be like if he was convinced that he won the lottery and needed to drag Will Forte halfway across the country to claim his prize, but didn't want anyone to see it, so they named it Nebraska. And in The Wolf of Wall Street, Martin Scorsese further proves that he is deeply in love with Leonardo DiCaprio by casting him yet again (for the fifth time) as the lead character in his latest dark comedy, trying to get us interested in stocks and frauds and mobs and things..
But not in the cool, goofy, Teen Wolf way.. Like he should.
On November 22nd, everyone's favorite actress-that-they-wish-was-their-best-friend (slash spirit animal? Fuck's sake, Buzzfeed..), Jennifer Lawrence reprises Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire as the chick with a bigger dick than any male character in the movie. That includes you, Lenny Kravitz. (It's a well-known fact* that Lenny Kravitz used to travel to Indonesia regularly to dick-fight elephants in Sumatra) Also on November 22nd, we get to find out what Vince Vaughn's offspring would look like if he fathered 533 children in the movie Delivery Man.
*made-up
Spoiler alert: They all have Marfan's Syndrome and insomnia.. Marfsomnia, if you will.
(In all seriousness, that was a shitty joke and if you wish to support research and the treatment of Marfan Syndrome, CLICK HERE!)
And last, but not least, on November 29th, Idris Elba and Naomie Harris get to give two massive, ironic fingers, straight up to Apartheid by starring in Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. I don't really have a joke for this one. But I can't think of anyone better suited to play Mr. Mandela and Mrs. Second Mandela than Idris and Naomie.. If, for no other reason..
..than the fact that they were EXACT body doubles. Mmm -MMMM!
I don't have a real Final Breakdown set up this month for all these flicks, mostly because they all seem worth watching. But mostly because, this month, I think that you should make up your own mind and come to your own conclusions.. Just be sure that, when you do, remember to send Abe Vigoda your reviews and thoughts for this month's movies along with words of encouragement, support, and general fandom for all that he does! Tell him I said hi!
Abe Vigoda
Attn: Carol Fuchs
3 Zircon Way
Ste D-1
Woodland Park, NJ 07424
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