The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
March 8, 2013!
(warning: We're all mad here.)
by Jeff Finck
Well, either people were scared of competing with Disney.. Or, the thought of Colin Farrell teaming up with Terrence Howard caused a mass pants-squirting, the likes an Ex-Lax convention after-party has never seen. Either way, only two movies had the balls to go head to head in this, the second week of March. Oz the Great and Powerful proves, with one fell swoop, that there will always be an interest in prequels to movies that came out three quarters of a century ago. (Or, if you're a purist: Books that came out the year Zelda Fitzgerald was born.) For you other purists out there.. I did not overlook the fact that both Alice in Wonderland and Oz the Great and Powerful had the same production designer (And they even share a producer!)
Also on the release block, the absolutely, most creatively titled flick in recent memory: Dead Man Down. Dead Man Down is, of course, a revenge tale where Terrence Howard is plagued by his mortal enemy-- I assume, an uncredited Ludacris-- who is attempting to settle the score for being punched out, not once, but twice(!) by Terrence Howard on-screen.
Oz the Great and Powerful
This one stars James Franco as Oscar, the Pre-Wizard Oz McEmerald-City.. Also, Mila Kunis as Theodora, Rachel Weisz as Evanora, and Michelle Williams as Glinda the Good Witch. This is supposed to answer that burning question on everyone whose been stuck in the 1900s' minds: How did the Wizard of Oz come to Oz in the first place? But raises new questions: Who let Yoda name this movie? Is this a weed-induced, fever dream, James Franco documentary? What are the odds that he landed in such a coincidentally named world?!
After recently re-watching the The Wizard of Oz, I had so many unanswered questions and gripes that I hope this movie addresses. For instance: They didn't make nearly enough food for a realistic black Thanksgiving meal. Also, why is Dorothy's dog such an asshole? I also realized that every bit of violence perpetrated for the reason of stealing someone's sneakers probably started with Dorothy killing the Wicked Witch of the West. And why is the "Good" Witch such a cunt? Turning a little girl into her own personal assassin is sociopathic!. Oh! And where in all of the balls did The Wizard come from? And why does he look exactly like Richard Pryor?! (Now that I think of it, there's a chance that I was actually watching The Wiz..) My point is this: It's going to be one hell of a ride watching Disney explain to my eye sockets and brain cavity how James Franco grows up to look like Montgomery Brewster!
Dead Man Down
After suffering some serious grief in his crime boss life, Alphonse (Terrence Howard) hires one of his fiery upstart henchmen, Victor (Colin Farrell), to bring him the source of his grief on a platter. And possibly the guy who invented the word grief.. And possibly the word grief, itself. Because Alphonse doesn't understand things. Well, it turns out the Victor is probably the guy grieving Alphonse because a long time ago, Alphonse.. I don't know.. Cut him off on the freeway without using his turn signal.. Or something. And then some overly-complicated crossover side plot involves Victor's neighbor, Beatrice (Noomi Rapace), and her revenge schemes as well. Bottom line, Alphonse is going down. And he is dead! And a man! ..I guess. By the way, this is directed by Niels Arden Oplev, the guy who directed the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! Fingers crossed that-- I assume-- this time, it will feature 136% less raping Noomi Rapace!
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown, brought to you by The Mad Hatter!)
"Oz the Great and Powerful? No thank you. I've had four already, today! What's that? Oh! I thought you said, "Have a crateful of apples!" In that case, I'll have two!"
"A better title: Dead Men Taking Tea and Crumpets! Dead men down just sounds redundant. Luckily, I like my redundancy like I like my hats: Topped and covered in butter!"