The pReview Re-viewing
Thursday Breakdown for
6/8/2012
(warning: Contains cursing, caning, and at least two Michael Fassbender nipples)
clicking the movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window
by: Jeff Finck
written: 6/6/2012
I think that it was the first time that I saw Night at the Museum when I realized that I wanted to become a night watchman at the American Museum of Natural History. I mean, you get to hang out with Robin Williams, Owen Wilson, Carla Gugino, Steve Coogan, a giant T-Rex, and sweet ass Sacagawea! It was my ultimate goal for about 30 seconds until I realized that, not only was that movie NOT a documentary, but I hate history. Fuck that. My life was shattered. I was inconsolable. Distraught, I took to roaming the streets like a malnourished vagabond. I knew I needed to get my shit together, though, because I didn't want to end up wandering the streets of Jacksonville (aka the Rome of Florida) like a transient, spraying my seed everywhere like I'm a damn Agathis pinecone. In the end, I decided that it was either write about movies or become a human rattan. (Human Rattan is that thing when you get really really thin and are used as a spanking device.) You know.. Because when you’re a roving miscreant, those are your ONLY options!
Corporal punishment has never looked so good.
A whole bunch of flicks hit the theaters this weekend. I am going to spotlight the ones worth talking about (You're welcome): The big biggie this week, Prometheus, features Ridley Scott going back to his roots.. And then having those roots grow into an alien that bursts through the chests of everyone with 10 dollars. Dreamworks gives us Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted. Which is just them continuing to give us lessons in friendship and teamwork.. Which is funny because teamwork IS, in fact, dream-work. But you have to be careful because dream-work sometimes leads to cream-work. And everyone knows cream-work leads to clean-work. It kind of looks like someone also made a movie version of Grand Theft Auto IV called For the Love of Money.. Except instead of a sociopathic Russian protagonist, they use an Israeli.. Sociopathic.. Protagonist. Well.. There are sociopaths in the movie. What more do you want from me? And in Safety Not Guaranteed, someone made a movie based on a personal ad.. And no, it has nothing to do with Lance from DateLance.com. (No longer a valid site, unfortunately)
However, if you visit the site now, you can buy Asian furniture!
Prometheus
What's neat is that even in the future, Seal is relevant.
Do you remember that poor little pilot guy that we all felt so very sorry for in Alien? Well, I mean the GIGANTIC pilot guy? You know, the one that the crew found with his chest all explode-y and such? Well, apparently that guy had it coming. After discovering clues in ancient ruins across the world, we discover a map leading to some new world. The theory is that the map will lead to our origin story somewhere in the cosmos. The trailer makes it look like the guys claiming responsibility for our birth are complete dicks who are just trying to get us pregnant and use our bodies as some form of body snatching Ponzi scheme. Oh, and I am also assuming that this movie further perpetuates the stereotype that androids are complete assholes. You hear that, Fassbender? You better not fuck anyone in this! Click this to read my full Prometheus trailer review:
See? Assholes.
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted
It might be animal cruelty, but this circus is definitely economical!
After escaping New York (on accident), and then escaping the freighter taking them to Kenya (on accident), and then escaping Madagascar (on purpose), but landing in mainland Africa (on accident), the not so fearsome foursome and pals find themselves trapped in Europe! (I assume, by accident.) Alex the Lion (Ben Stiller), Marty the Zebra (Chris Rock), Gloria the Hippopotamus (Jada Pinkett Smith), and Melman the Giraffe (David Schwimmer) all return to their slapsticky antics, along with their lemur friends, King Julien XIII (Sacha Baron Cohen), Maurice (Cedric the Entertainer), Mort (Andy Richter), as well as the (now-dubbed) Penguins of Madagascar (Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private). This time, random happenstance and general chicanery lands the lot of them in Monte Carlo. Once there, they are hunted down by the only animal control expert in all of Europe (apparently), Captain Chantel DuBois (Frances McDormand). In an effort to give DuBois the slip, the animals all don clown wigs and get freaky-deaky across Europe in a failing No Humans Allowed Circus. They meet Vitaly the Siberian Tiger (Bryan Cranston), Gia the Jaguar (Jessica Chastain), and Stefano the Sea Lion (Martin Short). The cast stayed true and the additional crew sounds wonderful, but the first draft for animation was terrifying:
Open call to Trey Parker and Matt Stone: If you ever get bored, make this into an R Rated comedy!
Safety Not Guaranteed
I don't have anything snide to say at all.. I just really want to see this movie!
Short on news and entertaining stories, a magazine editor lets a few of her writers, Jeff, Darius, and Arnau (Jake Johnson, Aubrey Plaza, and Karan Soni, respectively) follow up on a wildly ludicrous personal ad promising a time traveling adventure and recompense when they get back.. IF they get back! Productive little bees that they are, they actually manage to track the ad to a supermarket worker called Kenneth (Mark Duplass). Kenneth is pretty positive that he's figured out how to time travel and now requires the assistance of someone who is familiar with combat. You know, so he can bitch slap dinosaurs or futuristic mutants.. Or whatever the hell may pop up. This is, of course, a super smart strategy. I mean, I've seen Doctor Who and anytime you travel-- Sorry.. EVERY time you travel through time and space, you WILL fight something. In order to get close and figure out just how crazy (or how absolutely correct) Kenneth is, Darius uses her feminine wiles to break down Kenneth's defenses. She's like a snide, sarcastic Doctor Who companion. The story gets stranger and stranger as the Men in Black start following Kenneth and Darius around.. Stalking them like Gary Busey looking for sanity.
Also on Gary Busey's grocery list: More teeth.
For the Love of Money
I still think this movie should have starred Bone Thugs-N-Harmony..
Yehuda Levi plays Izek, a lovable young scamp growing up in the shadows of crime in Tel Aviv. Instead of embracing the life of a gangsta like a young Vernest "Quick" Brown, Izek and his family split to Los Angeles. Once there, Izek begins his life anew with some pretty decent success.. But then every asshole he knows starts being a dick and drags him kicking and screaming back into “the life.” The rest of the cast includes James Caan, Jeffrey Tambor, Paul Sorvino, the genetic experiment from Splice (Delphine Chanéac), Carlos from Resident Evil (Oded Fehr), and that little kid with Aspberger's from from Jerry Maguire! It's kind of like Grand Theft Auto IV meets Grand Theft Auto San Andreas meets the Godfather meets Once Upon a Time in America.. Meets.. Uhmm.. Rap music. For the Love of Money seems to have everything a "Search for the American Dream" movie could want or need!
It even has a bearded John Connor!!!
Quick rundown for the rest:
| Dark Horse  Nothing says "black sheep" like a salmon button up. We all know the tale: It's the classic story of boy has a terrible life, boy meets girl, boy asks girl to marry him immediately, girl (who has nothing better to do) agrees, boy's father is Christopher Walken. Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding  Sounds like a bunch of hippy speak to me! When a woman (Catherine Keener) is on the verge of divorce, she takes her kid (Elizabeth Olsen and Nat Wolff) to hang out with Jane Fonda.. Who is steady working on becoming THE 21st century grandma who's basically a "less crazy/less entertaining" version of Betty White. | Lola Versus  Why is 30 always the mid-life crisis age for women in movies? The people behind 500 Days of Summer have another indie dramedy about love and quirky women. When Lola (Greta Gerwig) is dumped right before her wedding, she sacks up and goes on "finding yourself" adventures because she's almost 30.. And they will probably shit all over our emotions again in the last act. Bel Ami  Is it weird that I wanted this to be a biopic about Bill Bellamy? Robert Pattinson stars as Georges Duroy, an ex-soldier (slash) complete man whore who climbs the social ladder by banging ladies.. Whether they're married or not. Heck, whether they're old or not. (I'm pretty sure, whether they're ladies or not!) This 2012 UK update of the French novel by Guy de Maupassant doesn't star any French people.. Of course, neither did the 1939 German update. So.. You know: Your move France. |
Final Breakdown: (in this week's Final Breakdown: Artsy Michael Fassbender!)
Prometheus
If you don't enjoy this movie, Michael Fassbender will literally set himself on fire.
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted
Europe's most wanted, indeed.
Safety Not Guaranteed
Quick! See this movie before Michael Fassbender is lost in time and space!!
For the Love of Money
I think he likes it! ..Actually.. He looks like effing loves it.. It's kind of creeping me out.
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