The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
it is highly recommended to watch the trailer and THEN read!
(warning: Contains profanity and nostalgia.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: (tentative) 1989!
The premise: Apparently if you are in the vicinity of Lake Michigan, you are at risk.. of being ENTERTAINED! A mild-mannered young gentleman, named Patrick, runs afoul of some deadly gangsters with names like Baby Scars Nelpone, Rocky, Geriatric Lou, Small Pebbles O'Hara, Tarantula Steve, and Ultra Shotz Malone. Geriatric Lou, Small Pebbles, Tarantula Steve, and Ultra Shotz may or may not be actual gangsters in this movie. (Spoiler alert: They aren't.)
After being fitted with cement shoes (See?), the naive Patrick is dropped in Lake Michigan, where some toxic waste dump-age produces whacky effects on his drowned body. He rises years later as The Creature. In the present, an environmentalist and part time sign maker named Clark, attempts to get the beach at Lake Michigan shut down due to high toxicity levels in the water. Clark and some local Chicagoan surfers try to scare people off with a fabricated creature in the likeness of Nessie. This, of course, grabs the attention of the public as well as a young female Marine Biologist. In their efforts to rid the beach of its unwitting patrons using faux-Nessie, they run into the REAL creature! This all happens just as a Hollywood Production company moves in and discovers the Creature as well. They then target it to star in their bevy of low budget Horror mashes, like if Cujo starred in the Air Bud movies.. or likehow Steven Seagal keeps getting put in things.
The trailer kicks off right away with Clark hammering signs into the beach in order to protect the locals from possibly fatal levels of toxicity in Lake Michigan. He's thorough, too! And just in case you have a memory that can be measured in seconds, luckily there is a sign every 3 feet! More signs than your body has room for! In a total lack of respect for sign making, the Beach Commissioner shows up an rains all over Clark's well-meaning parade with all the bravado of every authoritative figure of every movie who gives negative amounts of fucks about public safety.
The trailer is then plagued by several images of possible monsters ranging from 1950s schlock to a well-crafted Loch Ness monster model.. before the big reveal: Two greenish legs terrorizing a man and woman getting down like a couple of teenagers in heat on the beach. I mean a woman and.. well, a cowering pile of frightened play dough.
They show a sexy slice of Marine Biologist, with possibly the greatest pair of glasses in the history of eyewear. She confronts our hero on the beach, where he is smugly watching her.. do science. She takes a break from science and asks him what he thinks is so amusing about her doing.. science. To which he replies that she is wasting her time. She gives the classic comeback that he is, too! Snap! She got him so fucking good.
The bad guys are introduced next. We have a couple of sniveling movie types, a ditzy starlet, a bizarre hitman called Single Glam (Which is an odd name.. I mean, why not Wombat.. or Bandicoot or something?), and a man that can only be described using his name: Lars, Warrior From Beyond the Stars!
Will these people make a difference in the ongoing battle against environmental terrorism.. or movie terrorism.. or.. some.. third terrorism? Will Clark and his cohorts stop the movie makers from ruining the Creature's life? Or will the Creature go the way of every child star in history except Shirley Temple?
All I know is that in the midst of the slew of horror/Sci-fi movie sequels and remakes that are taking themselves WAY too seriously, this tongue in cheek satire is JUST what we need! I can't wait to bring all of my friends with me to the drive in and check out this newest of monster movies! Hell, I already have the shirt!
Click the above image to visit the Official Website store and BUY either or BOTH the DVD AND the SHIRT!