The pReview Re-viewing
April 20, 2012!
(warning: Contains cursing.. Also, Nuns having Fun!)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
Hey! How in the world are you all doing today? I have a bit of advice for everyone for this upcoming weekend-- Unless there is a movie you've missed in the last couple weeks, OR if you are a fan of documentaries: STAY HOME THIS WEEKEND! Save your money, stay home and spend some time watching rentals on the cheap. Or Kick holes in the walls of your house and pour lemonade into them. Drop loose change into your underwear and jump up and down on the bed, letting the overflow form shiny piles at your feet. Spit straight up into the air and try to catch every piece of spittle back in your mouth. Oh, I know! Just stare at this for 3 hours:
If you must know what exactly is actually coming out: Zac Efron stars in a romantic drama disguised as a war movie. In 2009, Steve Harvey wrote a book called Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.. In 2012, someone decided to make a movie based on half of it. The director of The Big Chill and Grand Canyon stands to make a boatload off of dog lovers. And then like 345 documentaries come out. (Slight exaggeration)
The Lucky One
Well, Nicholas Sparks has done it again. Every girl's pants in the world just got a little bit tighter. Lady boners. His latest book-turned-movie is about Logan, a soldier in Iraq who finds a misplaced photograph of a random woman. Doting on the strange find, in the middle of the war-torn rubble, he finds himself delayed just long enough so he isn't completely missile-fucked like the rest of his troop. He takes it as a sign that he must hunt this woman down and make her pay for what she's done.. I mean, love her whether she wants it or not.. I mean, stalk her, work his way into her life, and then turn everything upside down. Despite having a name straight out of a Jane Austen wet dream, the 46 year old Nebraskan just seems to keep nailing women's hearts to his pages. Literally. Okay, maybe not literally.. But probably. I don't know this guy.
Think Like a Man
Have you ever sat around, reading a NON-fiction, self-help book about relationship tips and advice about the opposite sex, and thought: "Fuck yeah! Turn this into a movie!" Well, a couple of people had that idea after reading Steve Harvey's book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. The premise is that a group of women latch onto the previously mentioned book, and suddenly the tables are turned! They start thinking like men. They start producing elevated amounts of testosterone. They all make pacts to grow summer beards. Well, the men ain't havin' that, and they strike back with a series of attacks that disrupt the whole battle of the sexes, resulting in the destruction of.. the Death Star.. Or something. Kudos to the casting director for managing to rope in an all-star cast, as well as the screenwriters who somehow make the transition from non-fiction to what could be a tolerable romantic comedy. I looked around at a handful of early reviews and it seems that a lot of people are giving these guys credit for creating an alternative to the Tyler Perry freight train of movies. I'm just stoked they finally made a better version of Valentine's Day!
Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson are a couple in need of some love in their lives. After adopting a lovable young yellow Labrador retriever called Marley.. Wait. I mean Diane Keaton and Kevin Kline are a couple in need of some love in their lives and adopt a (literally) mange-ridden puppy from the side of the road. Diane Keaton, immediately, falls in love with the lovable mutt and names him Freeway. Their lives are turned upside down when Kevin Kline accidentally lets Freeway run away.. Ironically, into the wilderness. Then, I assume everything that happens off camera is The Incredible Journey meets Cujo, and everything ON camera, despite Kevin Kline ALWAYS being amazing, is about as entertaining as watching Ishtar in reverse.
Okay, so a gaggle of documentaries comes out on Friday. It's really up to you which one you will love. I mean, you're either a huge supporter of the Coalition for the Liberation of Itinerant Tree-Dwellers (Alternatively, you could be pro Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes), or an MMA hopeful (Or maybe you were just a WW"E" fan who needed just a little something more..), or a pothead (Yeah, I said it), or polar bears just make your fucking mind explode! No matter what your fancy, this is your weekend!
Final Verdict: (Nuns having Fun!)
The Lucky One: Nuns with guns. Because chances are that this movie will be lacking in the action department.
Think Like a Man: Fuck you! YOU'RE racist. But seriously, this may be the most watchable movie that's released this weekend.
Darling Companion: Dog nuns aren't that common. And neither are movies about dogs that WON'T make you cry.
Documentaries Galore: I feel like this sums up the idea of appealing to a very niche audience with each doc.