Appe-Teaser, October 14th movies!

The pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers
for October 14th!

(warning: Containts profanity)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window



by Jeff Finck
written: 10/12/2011

    Oh good, a thousand more movies are coming out this Friday!  Time to rip them apart!  A lot of these are limited release, but star some pretty big actors.. We have a remake NOT starring Kevin Bacon (can we still tie him to this one?), a sci-fi prequel to a classic, a PG rated movie starring not so PG actors, a not so perfect family drama, a twisted (seriously.. twis-- wow --ted.) revenge story, a new take on horror, a Texas Chainsaw crime drama, and a family/home invasion/thriller starring Nicolas Cage!  There's a whole bunch to choose from this weekend. (maybe.. some of these might not be playing at a theater near you)  This one's a bit long, you can skip to the Final Summation if you want, I won't be offended, but you might miss such pop culture references as: David and Goliath, Wilford Brimley, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, #JuliaRobertsIsDead, Nip/Tuck, Exxon Valdez, Sam Worthington sucking, and quite possibly the 1992 Bill Paxton movie Trespass..

    First on the menu: Footloose.  You heard me right!  Footloose is a 1984 film starring Kevin Bacon.  It is about a small town called Bomont, which banned dancing because they believed it was the work of the Devil.  It was a classic David and Goliath tale of Kevin Bacon vs. John Lithgow.  The new Footloose is a 2011 film starring Kenny Wormald.  It is about a small town called Bomont, which banned dancing because some kids got drunk and drove head on into a semi.  Yep, total corellation!  This is a David and Goliath story, only instead of John Lithgow, we get to listen to Dennis Quaid deliver lines.. and I.  Can't.  Wait!

    Next up is a prequel to The Thing.. called.. oddly enough, The Thing.  So as not to be confused with The Thing.  The original was a 1982 sci-fi thriller with Kurt Russell, and involved a parisitic alien terrorizing an American Antarctic research team with its ability to mimic them.  ..and kill them.  It also had Wilford "I'm the Fucking Man" Brimley.  The new The Thing is a 2011 sci-fi thriller with Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and involves a parasitic alien terrorizing a NORWEGIAN Antarctic research team with its ability to mimic them.. and kill them.  This one has absolutely no one who can rival Wilford "I Eat Mustaches For Breakfast" Brimley.  It is a prequel, and apparently takes place 3 days before the events of the original.  I'm curious what they're going to do, now that suspense is thrown out of the window nowadays, what with computer graphics, technology, and the need to show everything all the time.  Still, I think it's totally going to be worth a watch:

    Next is The Big Year.  This has Jack Black, Owen Wilson, Steve Martin, Brian Dennehy, Anthony Anderson, Rashida Jones, and Rosamund Pike!  The cast alone makes it sound amazing!  Then it all falls apart when you find out it's rated PG and is about three guys (Black, Wilson, and Martin) having a *life* crisis, and for some reason, bird watching.  But THEN you see the trailer!  Hopes are lifted anew.  The three of them look like they play well off of each other, despite the lackluster sounding plot.  It looks like plenty of slapstick, as they journey to have their "big year".. kind of like an Ornothologists Dirty Rotten Scoundrels meets the Bucket List, with less Rotten Scoundrels and Morgan Freeman, and more televisions Amazing Race.  All three main actors look like they get to play themselves, which is always great and these guys are usually funny.  I just don't know about a theater visit, but I'm definitely going to check this out at some point:

    Fireflies in the Garden is a movie that was made in 2008 and stars Willem Dafoe and Julia Roberts as the parents of a relatively dysfunctional family.  It is finally getting theatrical release in 2011.. only 3 years vintage?  This may taste bad.  Ryan Reynolds and Emily Watson play Willem Dafoe and Julia Roberts' kids all grow'd up and the story focuses mainly on the relationship of Father Dafoe and Son Reynolds.  When Julia Roberts dies in a car accident (everyone, start a trend on Twitter that #JuliaRobertsIsDead ..doooo ittttt!), the family struggles to come together through a series of weighty dialogue and hella flashbacks.  Reynolds and Watson are played by Cayden Boyd and Hayden Panettiere as younger versions.. (Cayden Boyd, you may remember as the boy who played Sharkboy in The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.. or.. you know.. not)  If you like them dramas, check out:

    Fifth in line is the complete mind fuck known as The Skin I Live In.  The trailer itself doesn't really give you an idea as to what's really going on.. kind of like a Spanish episode of Nip/Tuck.  But with a little research, it turns out that there is about a Grand Canyon's worth of batshit crazy turns to this plot.  Basically, Antonio Banderas captures a woman with the help of his assistant.. who turns out to be involved in a sub plot and a flashback plot that comes back to haunt him.  It's a story of creative revenge that sounds like it might give the Korean movie, Oldboy, a run for its money.  And Oldboy was a fucked up movie.  If you're into some serious "Whaaaaaa?" movies, check out:

    Sixth, and certainly not last, comes The Woman.  I's a sequel to the Ghost House Underground movie The Offspring.  The original involves a tribe of canibals living in the American Northeast.  The Offspring focuses on a woman (THE Woman) who is the last living member of that tribe.  She is found in the woods by Christopher Cleek, the father of your average, everyday, American family.  She is then brought back to the ol' homestead for some good old fashioned civilizin'!  The dad tries to explain to the family that she is going to be their "project" and it is "secret".. that is until she gets herself free and murders everyone.. and eats them.  Probably.  This.  Looks.  Awesome!  ..despite the fact that it is a sequel to a direct to DVD sequel of a novel by Jack Ketchum which was based on a Scottish legend of a guy called Sawney Bean.  Seriously, though, if you like slick horror movies, this looks like it's the Exxon Valdez.

    Lucky number seven is Texas Killing Fields.  It is loosely based on the actual murders of women picked up on the I-45 in Texas, and then dumped into an old oil field in southeast Texas.  Over 60 bodies have been found in that particular field outside Texas City since 1971.  The story focuses on 2 detectives played by Sam Worthington and Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  I don't have anything funny to say about a movie based on this subject matter, so I'll just make fun of Sam Worthington.  Does anyone else notice how completely replacable that guy is?  I mean, he's not a bad actor or anything.. he's just so damn.. blah.  It's like they're all, "Hey Sam Worthington.." (yeah, they call him by his full name when they talk to him, because that's the only way to interact with robots) "..here's the script.. just play yourself."  (you know.. the robot.) and then he's all: "01100001 01100110 01100110 01101001 01110010 01101101 01100001 01110100 01101001 01110110 01100101"  Okay.. venting aside, this looks pretty balls sweet.  ..not that balls are sweet.  ..and not that I know they aren't.. or are.. shut up.  I'm gonna move on now..

    Lastly, (finally, right?) we have the Nicolas Cage/Nicole Kidman fueled.. Trespass!  Not to be confused with the Ice T/Ice Cube/Bill Paxton fueled.. Trespass!  This one centers on a fun loving, middle aged couple played by Nic Cage and Nic Kidman.. they seem to have it all, tons of money, a nice house, diamonds, a daughter, nice cars, infidelity, anger issues, and a whole group of burglars threatening to kill the family if they don't give them all of it.  What the Trespass-ers (see what I did there?) get, mostly, is the anger issues, plus an aversion to threats that will put their resolve to rob these people to the test.  Nicolas Cage seems to be all Nic Cage-y, which is usually awesome!  And Nicole Kidman doesn't look like.. she normally looks, as of late.. (read: inflated)  The action looks pret-ty intense, and the drama looks like it isn't convoluted and boring.  Both pluses in my book!  I also like that the poster looks like a throwback to those wicked awesome thrillers from the 90's:

    Final summation:

Footloose: Kick off your Sunday shoes.. and then punchdance your rage all the way out on your way into the lobby and buy a ticket and then calmly take your seat and check this out.

The Thing: Okay, I have to admit, I have reservations about this.. but they only make me pause long enough to realize that I am going to see this anyway.. I mean, they basically took Whiteout (with Kate Beckinsale) and replaced a serial killer with an alien.  And then told us it was a prequel to The Thing.  ..and then called it the same thing.. Thing.. sigh.  Check it out, though!

The Big Year: I'm not too sure about a theater venture on this one.  It sounds fine and all, but I have a feeling this is going to make it's money on video.

Fireflies in the Garden: Ugh.. too heavy a drama for my theatrical tastes.  Ryan Reynolds and Willem Dafoe are always good, but I just don't have the patience when it comes to the big screen Moving Pictures.  Totally looks doable on your home viewing apparatuses.  apperati?  something like that.

The Skin I Live In: If this comes to a theater near you, this could be a pretty decent drama when it comes to the theater.  The plot is twisted enough, and the movie looks like it's shot in a relatively anti-boring manner.  Plus, Antonio Banderas will come to your house and literally eat your skin if you don't go.

The Woman: I am sooooooo excited for this.  The Offspring wasn't the best movie in the world, but the trailer for this does its job well.  I'm gonna take a gamble and see this if it comes out near me.

Texas Killing Fields: Another pretty weighty drama/suspense movie that looks like it has some drag moments.  But given the subject matter, the atmosphere is fitting.  This is another one that I would totally recommend if it was out on DVD, but as far as 10 bucks goes.. you may want to keep it.

Trespass: This looks pretty sweet.  Nic Cage, despite all the Cage Haters out there, is one of my favorite actors to watch on screen!  I can't wait to see how over the top he is in a home invasion movie!  As long as there aren't any bees, we should be fine.