The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
A l i e n
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: (indistinct alien language) cursing.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: May 25, 1979
The premise: So there's this giant egg in space, right? After it hatches, everyone gets the balls murdered out of them. The end. Seriously, though, if one of these eggs did hatch, it's Bad News Bears for people everywhere. The real story starts out on a space mining vessel called the Nostromo. It's on a return trip from doing space stuff when the crew is awakened to the sounds of a distress signal. Upon investigating, the ship is infiltrated by a giant H.R. Giger-inspired dick monster. The seven miners, armed with pretty much just their own cunning, frail human bodies, and fright urine, must repel the alien threat before it reaches Earth.. And possibly rapes everyone.
As we travel through the cold emptiness of space, the bleak blackness of it starts to crawl inside you. It’s like a parasitic creature attached to your face, injecting its offspring into your intestines. The darkness creeps inside you and bursts through your torso, choking off any chance of happy thoughts you might have possibly started having. The trailer instantly makes you feel inferior and helpless at the vast lack of.. Oh wait.. Nevermind.. There's some kind of asteroid hurtling forward at the speed of.. An asteroid hurtling through space. I don't know what kind of speed asteroids move through space, I'm not a proctologist. I am, however, a huge fan of eggs.. And there it is, one of those motherfuckers riding the asteroid through space like it's Slim Pickens and the asteroid is a nuclear bomb.
The egg breaks open, which initiates a klaxon so unnerving that it's like being tied down and forced to stare into the face of Christopher Walken while someone tickles you with razor wire. As the unwitting miners attempt to investigate a massive horseshoe, Sigourney Weaver sweats it to the oldies by running down some long ass ship corridors. Things start coming together, but then suddenly take a giant leap backward and show us the moment that fate decided to basically fuck these people. Cryo-chambers open and the crew wake up in outfits that make it look like they’re going to wake up and fuck Barbarella.
The trailer continues cutting from scene to scene, klaxon ringing and droning on like Robin Williams on cocaine.. With just as much sweat and just a little less convulsing. I was originally convinced that there was a giant dick monster running around raping everyone, but then they show a big ass cat-headed alien, staring into our souls, toying with our lives like a bouncy piece of string-- Our blood akin to catnip, our fear like a defenseless mouse. There's an 80% chance that this is just a regular cat, but we may never know..
Now, I'm a huge fan of B-horror movies and shoddy horror flicks, but this Alien looks fucking faboo. Someone finally did Sci-fi horror right! It doesn't look cheesy at all. Ridley Scott is a name that will surely go down as someone who knows exactly what the fuck is up. I hear he has a pretty cool brother, too! Dan O'Bannon wrote up what looks like a pretty sweet screenplay and I cannot wait to see all the sheer fucked-uppery that pours out of H.R. Giger and into the set pieces. I cannot wait to see this! As for the story, I'm not so sure about how the alien even has a chance, I mean, it's seven on one.. This should be like watching Super Bowl XIII champs, the Pittsburgh Steelers fight a penguin.