The pReview Re-viewing
Belated Breakdown for
September 21, 2012!
(warning: Shut up about how late this is.. Just enjoy the ride. Also, there is a wall dildo placed strategically on a wall.)
by Jeff Finck
written: 9/21/2012
I have a very serious illness: I tend to want to watch every movie that's ever been released.. Ever. This has led me to own something like a thousand DVDs/Blu-Rays, a whole slew of VHS.. And caused me to watch more movies than is probably physically possible compared to minutes that I've been alive on this planet. This has also led me to find such brilliant spectacles such as Evil Alien Conquerors.. Or The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra! Unfortunately, my obsession has betrayed me on countless occasions and led me astray with such blinding disappointments like Birdemic: Shock and Terror.. Just.. Click this:
I could actually sit here and talk about everything that is wrong (yet so very right) with Birdemic, that by the time I'm finished, Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (actual title) will have already won every Academy Award, including awards that don't even make sense, like Best Documentary Feature and Best Higgs Boson Particle. Although.. I could definitely see it taking the Golden Joystick Awards by storm next year..
Okay.. Apologies for Birdemicking you there, but people need to know! Now, onto this weekend: Dredd finally hits theaters! Mr. "I Am the Law" is now foiling drugs AND dubstep/electropop music. End of Watch drops starring Jake Gyllenhaal, further perpetuating my theory that shaved heads are the new cop-stache. Jennifer Lawrence takes a break from being hunted by children to being hunted by some guy's dead sister in House at the End of the Street. Clint Eastwood takes a break from having trouble with invisible Presidents to Having Trouble with the Curve. And lastly, there's a movie that should not be confused with the documentary based on the biography of Jakob Dylan:
Dredd
A long time ago, someone made a decent movie starring Sylvester Stallone and Armand Assante as brothers butting heads and blurring the lines of legality and justice.. That movie was called Paradise Alley. A bunch of years later, they made a fantastic movie together as brothers butting heads and blurring the lines of legality and utter fucking awesomeness called Judge Dredd. This is the re-imagining of that movie.. Which was an incredibly loose re-imagining of the comic character found in the anthology 2000 AD. This, also, actually is an incredibly tight, closer re-imagining of the comic. Karl Urban picks up where Sylvester Stallone ridiculously left off in the shoes of Mister Dredd. He looks like he's playing a 100% more gruff, 100% more terrifying, 83% more faceless version of the character we've come to love in the greatest sweeping epic movie that calls 1995 its home. This time, he's up against Ma-Ma (Lena Headey) and her awesome drug that lets you experience life like you're living in a Michael Bay movie (Slooooooow motiooooon). He teams up with Olivia Thirlby, who plays a new psychic Judge called Cassandra (Judge Anderson if you're nasty). Together, they run around like they're Judge Judy and Executioner.
End of Watch
Jake Gyllenhaal plays Los Angeles Police Officer Brian Taylor.. Brian Taylor is a loose cannon. Michael Peña plays Los Angeles Police Officer Mike Zavala.. Mike Zavala is friends and partners with a loose cannon. Together they discover some crazy stuff that apparently leads to a series of unfortunate events that, in turn, leads to some random drug cartel putting out an all-points bulletin on these two purveyors the law. The only thing this movie is missing is that one of these two should be two days from retirement.
House at the End of the Street
Jennifer Lawrence, fresh off of cementing her place in two ridiculously profitable series (X-Men: First Class and The Hunger Games), stars as Elissa Cassidy, daughter of fresh-from-divorce Sarah (Elisabeth Shue). They move into a new house in a neighborhood that looks like every neighborhood in every horror movie ever.. So.. You know.. Continuing the tradition of scaring middle class suburban families with shit that could happen to them. The Cassidys move next door to a murder house full of rich history filled with murder.. And being a house. Some years before, in that very house next door to the house of the main characters.. The one at the end of the street.. A girl murdered her parents and disappeared, leaving only her brother alive. Her brother, Ryan (Max Theriot), now lives alone, in that house.. The one at the end of the street. Elissa starts seeing Ryan on a more consistent than her mother's comfortable with kind of way.. Which leads to Ryan's sister's return and horror.. And stuff. At the end of the street..
Trouble with the Curve
Baseball movies.. Sorry.. Baseball dramas are ALWAYS very entertaining and captivating. Wait.. Did I say entertaining and captivating? I meant.. Like.. The opposite of those things. That being said, this one doesn't look too terrible! Clint Eastwood is Gus Lobel. Gus is expendable in the eyes of the Atlanta Braves.. Who, no doubt, recently saw the light-the-early-2000s-baseball-world-on-fire film Moneyball. In order to prove himself non-expendable to all of the people in his life: Mickey (Amy Adams), his daughter. Johnny (Justin Timberlake), his old scouted prospect turned scout rival. And Pete (John Goodman), his boss and friend.. Clint goes on an adventure filled with machine guns and basballs.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Remember high school? Chances are that most of you do not remember it like Stephen Chbosky, author of the book that this movie's based on. A whimsical coming of age story where two seniors.. Ezra Miler, Kevin from We Need to Talk About Kevin and Emma Watson aka Hermione Granger.. Take a young Freshman under their wing and teach him about life, love, loss, fear.. And.. I guess not getting boners in gym class.
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown brought to you by Joshua Jackson.)
Dredd
End of Watch
House at the End of the Street
Trouble with the Curve
The Perks of Being a Wallflower