The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
August 3, 2012!
(warning: You’re going to wish you had three hands.)
Click on the movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by: Jeff Finck
written: 8/3/2012
Before I can talk about Friday's releases, I feel that there is a pressing matter at hand. It was just released that Peter Jackson is going to turn The Hobbit into a triathlon of money snatching. Granted, there are a lot of things in The Hobbit that are implied, inferred, and just plain not even mentioned.. And on the other hand, there are things that are so incredibly over-described, that our imaginations decided to go on a cocaine vacation to Vegas. So, I guess Peter Jackson is going to frame by frame all 300-ish pages of the Ode to Bilbo. One big thing that I remember from the book-- And I hope to all that is holy that he includes them-- were the songs! So many songs! More songs than you could shake your genitals at! Peter Jackson will hopefully really team up with Peter Barsocchini and make Peter Jackson presents Hobbit School Musical.. Or, since dance movies are all the rave now, he and Steven Soderbergh could scrap all the singing, replace it with dancing and just call it Magic Thorin.. Starring Hugh Jackman
You may be in for a treat today! None of these movies looks God awful! For the most part.. In Total Recall, Len Wiseman tries to (in 118 minutes) reinvent a movie that tried to (in 113 minutes) reinvent a short story that could be read in about 20 minutes. He also continues to cast his wife (Kate Beckinsale) in stuff.. And who can blame him? He could make a movie that consisted solely of Kate Beckinsale punching kittens in the face for five minutes, and I'd watch it. In Celeste and Jesse Forever, Rashida Jones wrote and stars in a story loosely based on a three week period in her life.. Calm down, people who don't understand menstruation. Does anyone remember a couple of years ago when they adapted that children's book, Diary of a Wimpy Kid into a movie? What about the 2011 sequel to it: Rodrick Rules? Probably not, unless you have children who are literate (Shut up. That is a valid identifier nowadays), OR you are, in fact 10 years old. Either way, the third movie in the series, Dog Days, gets released today. Tropic Thunder 2 finally gets the greenli.. What? Soldiers of Fortune has nothing to do with Tropic Thunder? Oh.. Uhmm.. Well, a movie that will more than likely just get called a rip off of Tropic Thunder comes out. Last up, FINALLY someone makes a heist movie involving a sperm bank: The Babymakers. Two of the Broken Lizard guys are attached, so it should be pretty funny.. And full of dick jokes.
Total Recall (2012)
Sometime in the future, regular, old, everyday citizen, Joe Six-pack, (Or Douglas Quail, as he's called) wishes that he could go to Mars.. And then it turns out that he already did. Not to be thwarted, Quail then wishes that he could save the Earth from a Martian invasion.. And then it turns out that he already did that, too! The end. Years later, Paul Verhoeven would reimagine this short story as Douglas Quaid thinking, "I wish I was a secret agent.." And then he was. Also, "I wish that I could see a three-boob lady!" And then he did. The end. Now, Len Wiseman (of Underworld fame) reimagines even further and says, "Hey, what if we made this more about the intrigue than the action? And then.. You know.. Also have a three boob chick?" Well, click this to see the full review of the trailer:
Celeste and Jesse Forever
Celeste (Rashida Jones) and Jesse (Andy Samberg) are taking progressive relationships to the next level: They are going to get divorced.. But the twist here is that they are going to remain friends! The writers (Rashida Jones and Will McCormick) took their true story, whirlwind, three week romance that turned into a lifelong friendship, and turned it into what looks like a bittersweet un-love story that has the potential to be fun and quirky (think: Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist).. But could still swerve wildly into quirky and "WHY???" (think: Howard the Duck).. Fingers crossed!
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Well, I was going to write a bit about how this movie is the third in a relatively successful film franchise based on an extremely successful book series.. But when researching a lot of things I was going to say, I checked out their Wikipedia page. (Because Wikipedia is ALWAYS correct, and NEVER steers you wrong.) The plot, according to Wikipedia, is as follows: "Now that school is over, Greg Heffley is ready for a relaxing summer. However, all of his plans for the summer go wrong. Now, left option-less, his plans are ruined--except for masturbating!" And has this picture as its movie poster:
Soldiers of Fortune
I think there should be more movies that showcase the fact that if you're rich, you can do anything that your childlike-heart desires. Like in Blank Check: Just buy friends and hang out with all of your bad ass toys. Or Richie Rich: Just buy friends and hang out with all of your bad ass toys.. But as we grow older, we see the dark side of being balls-explodingly rich.. Like Scrooge McDuck: Hoard every last penny, alienating your friends and family. Or C. Montgomery Burns: Become a crotchety old tycoon who forms a symbiotic relationship with everything he hates.. To make more money. Or Mitt Romney: See C. Montgomery Burns' description. Sometimes, though, when you get rich, you pay a bunch of money to a bunch of people to send you into a war torn stretch of the world in the hopes of getting a raging boner. This is a story about that last thing.
The Babymakers
In movie-suburbia, women generally want one of two things.. To get pregnant or to not be serial murdered by someone wearing a Scream mask. Sometimes both. This movie follows Tommy (Paul Schneider) who is trying like an infertile rabbit to impregnate his wife, Audrey (Olivia Munn). Unfortunately, infertile rabbits are terrible at getting people pregnant.. 1) They're infertile. 2) They're rabbits.. And that's just effing sick. After finding out that he may still have some potential Gold medalists swimming around in a sperm bank, he and a few friends (Kevin Heffernan, Jay Chandrasekhar, and Nat Faxon) hatch a plan to break in like it's the Fort Knox of white gold..
Final Breakdown: (in this week's Final Breakdown Arnold reacts to things)
Total Recall
This looks like a bad review.. But don't be fooled.. Look again: I think he kind of likes it.
Celeste and Jesse Forever
Movies this bittersweet are physically eaten by Arnold. And then he makes this face. It's incredibly difficult to tell if he likes it.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Arnold is genuinely concerned how Greg is going to spend his summer! So concerned, in fact, we don't have to be!
Soldiers of Fortune
Be careful, rich people.. Your next adrenaline hunt may put you face to face with this bastard. Best stay home with your Blu-rays and Laserdiscs.. Or, whatever the Charles Dickens rich people have, nowadays.
The Babymakers
Anyone remember Junior? This will be way funnier.